Is this weird/wrong? Mother/daughters as friends

[Heather Micaela]

I decided to make this public because I imagined others might wonder this.

I am in about the mid-point of my life and my best friend left life far too early. In examining my life I have realized that the next two females I would want to spend my time with are my oldest daughter and my mother.

Now I understand my daughters age and development and there is still a clear line that I am mom and an authority. But at the same time we LIKE hanging out together and share many interests. And if I selectively/carefully share my lesser struggles that will not burden her, she will share her struggles with me. I would never expect her to carry burdens she was not able to or to not be able to still be a child. Not quite Gilmore Girls, but we are close.

And, yes, I have younger daughters. I will make a point to foster friendships with them as they grow too. It is just that my oldest is already on the cusp of adolescence.

My mother and I are similar in reverse. We have less in common as far as interests but somehow balance each other well. And unlike my daughter ( who is talkative like me), my mother prefers to listen and doesn't not care that I monopolize the words spoken.

This is NORMAL in my family. My mother thought her mother was her best friend and would talk about how my grandmother did not mourn her child growing up because she grew into a friend. My grandmother before she passed told me how excited she was that I was getting that age too. And my mother feels the same as her mother did about me.

But then I hear things about how there should be some dividing line or something. Is this just a punitive thing? A cultural thing? A personality thing?

What is your family like and how would you feel about mother/daughter friendships?

[Hermana Linda]

I feel very close to my mom.

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[MegMarch]

It is pretty foreign to me. Relationships in our family ... When I was 21 my dad wrote me a letter saying that from now on, he'd let me define our relationship. Friends, mentor/mentored, etc. But by then, I didn't really want to be his friend.

I think it's punitive. Keep the kids from knowing our weaknesses so they won't manipulate them. Keep yourself in a position of power. I think the benefits are there for kids who don't get saddled with their parents' grownup stuff, but the negatives outweigh that when the parents are careful to consider their child's age and development.

[Heather Micaela]

I do not saddle dd with our grown up worries. I have even told her she is NOT allowed to worry about money if I'm not concerned and willing to spend money on her. (She is almost TOO responsible, if that is possible.) But as she grows, we do explain more of how the grown up world works.

[domesticzookeeper]

I wrote this journal entry about my mom when I was 17 (almost 18)...

for context, my first job was as a church janitor

My mom is one of my very best friends We don't share a lot of the same life experiences (I'm neither married or have kids), and she doesn't get a whole lot of my interests, but the level to which we can just talk and pray and share with each other has naturally matured over time. We talk frequently. She knows what's going on in my life, and I know what's going on in hers, and we support each other with love and advice and commiseration the way that friends do

I am not my mom's only friend - which I assume is what some people must be imagining when they decry parent/child friendships - and so I know there are other people in her life with which she shares things that she does not share with me. Friendship does not have to be 100% soul-baring all the time There are some boundaries there, for sure. But we're a part of each other's lives, and we have been for a long time

[MegMarch]

Originally Posted by Heather Micaela

I do not saddle dd with our grown up worries. I have even told her she is NOT allowed to worry about money if I'm not concerned and willing to spend money on her. (She is almost TOO responsible, if that is possible.) But as she grows, we do explain more of how the grown up world works.

I definitely got that from your OP I think it's a downside that *could* occur and it is evident that are careful to prevent it.

[Codi]

I am extremely close with my mom. I WANT to hang out with her. There are times she has lived with us and I REALLY enjoy it! I'd live with her again and hope we do some day! I see nothing weird or wrong with that. Not even one single bit! I hope my dd wants the same and it is the same when she is older too!

[tazmom]

I'm not close with my mom and we do not have a good relationship. But I really want to have a great relationship with my daughters, now and when they're grown. I think we grow into friends as they grow up. It's part of letting go and letting them grow. I think it's good for them to see us as multifaceted human beings and not just Mom.

[kaytlynhope]

I'm very close to my mother. We talked on the phone every day while I was living 8 hours away. We've always been close, but now that I'm older and a mother myself, we share more with each other than before. I feel like she will always be my mom, but now she's also one of my best friends.

[CelticJourney]

Sounds similar to me and my girls. I include them as appropriate and make sure they always have a mom looking out for them in places a friend might say 'great idea' knowing it was a disaster in the making. My oldest is almost 20 and she still needs a mom at times. It doesn't mean we can't be close in other ways. I think the problem comes when being a friend is put above being a mom - then they lose out.

[mom23sons]

I too am close with my mom.....she was my main support thru college and when I lived a state away I would come home from working nights and call her then go to bed. We share so many things in common and she was the one who supported me to gently parent my sons. I am so blessed to have her in my life.....only wish I had a daughter to share what we do.

[Blue-EyedLady]

My mom is definitely one of my closest friends. I mean, there's stuff I don't share with her, to be sure. But I genuinely enjoy her company.

There's more to our relationship than "just" friends, though. She's a wise older woman who gives (generally) trustworthy advice. And as she ages, I look after her. I'm in the "sandwich generation" meaning that I'm caring for young children (typing this with a sleeping infant in my lap!) while looking after aging parents (mom's 81st birthday is in 3 days). It's a challenge to balance all of those relationships.

[3xblessed]

I have always been close to my mom. My daughter is 25 and married. I count both mom and dd as my closest friends.

[ECingMama]

Sally Clarkson talks about being friends with her four adult children and also discusses how they still appreciate and need some mothering.

I think it's beautiful when both are adults. I think it's a balancing act when they are older teens.

My mom is moving in with us next month. I hope we'll be friends.

[SamRose]

I am very close to my mom, she is definitely one of my best friends.
I hope to have the same with my daughters.

(ftr, my mom and I werent close during the teen years. Oil & water kinda thing. But since I got married, and especially since I became a mom, we've just grown closer. Other than dh, she is the one I talk to and hang out w/ most often.)