LGP week one day 4

((((palil))))

I realized that my pattern has been to try to tell myself through thinking that I "shouldn't" feel a certain way. Well, I have already done the emotion part--best to just accept that and decide how to respond.

yeah, thats what I was trying to say but you said it so much better and shorter than I did

Originally Posted by ArmsOfLove

In "Boundaries" Cloud and Townsend talk about upset being a signal that a boundary is being crossed. That has been my experience. Sometimes that means I have to proactively prepare a way to protect my boundary the next time (or that time) and sometimes it means I have to choose to lay down the boundary until I can do something about it (usually what happens when nursing unless it's an emergency )

So, if I'm upset about something, then a boundary of mine has been crossed and I need to evaluate whether it is a valid boundary and move it accordingly? Am I getting it? How does this look? Say I have been working on the house all day - and Dh comes home and the first thing he asks about is the one thing I haven't done yet. I am upset and feeling pretty lousy. What does this say about my boundary and what should I do? "I'm upset and it's ok" and move on? Is this even a good example? (I really wish I could read the book!! )

[Tengokujin]

About upset and boundaries--so emotions (big feelings) are a signal that a boundary is being crossed. Are we saying then that we don't "choose" to be or not be upset, but we choose how that emotion is expressed?

OHHHHHHH Emotion is NOT a response. It is. A response is what I do based on choosing. Would a reaction, then, be what I do when I let myself be a victim at the mercy of my emotions??

Bear with me--a life history of stuffing and denying feelings makes me SLOW

[Radosny Matka]

Okay, here is a big one for me - how do you express anger more appropriately (other than throwing the nearest object or yelling to the wind ).

Originally Posted by BetsyPage

This reminds me of the Serenity Prayer...
"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

I know that when I am upset, sometimes I can change the situation, but many times I can't, and not letting my emotions "run me" makes bad situations better...

I agree. Also, the rest of the serenity prayer helps me with this also... the prayer continues after the above...
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it;
Trusting that You will make all things right
if I surrender to Your will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in the life
and supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.

Originally Posted by mylittletyke

Okay, here is a big one for me - how do you express anger more appropriately (other than throwing the nearest object or yelling to the wind ).

I am finding it's helping me to blow- literally, take in a bunch of air through my nose, and blow it out my mouth with my eyes close to calm down... then saying that I am angry, and what I am angry about, and seeking solutions then.

[Radosny Matka]

Originally Posted by metrodcdoula

I am finding it's helping me to blow- literally, take in a bunch of air through my nose, and blow it out my mouth with my eyes close to calm down... then saying that I am angry, and what I am angry about, and seeking solutions then.

I will try that.

[ArmsOfLove]

Originally Posted by phermion

So, if I'm upset about something, then a boundary of mine has been crossed and I need to evaluate whether it is a valid boundary and move it accordingly? Am I getting it?

YES!

How does this look? Say I have been working on the house all day - and Dh comes home and the first thing he asks about is the one thing I haven't done yet. I am upset and feeling pretty lousy. What does this say about my boundary and what should I do?

Yes, this is a boundary being crossed. You are upset because you feel taken for granted and unappreciated. The boundary is related to what you do and what you're willing to do without feeling appreciated. A comparable parent/child example would be a child demanding a sandwich. You can set your boundary by either saying, "That is not how we get what we want. I will not be talked to that way." or you can say, "I'd be happy to make you a sandwich. Can you ask in a way that helps me to feel appreciated?" So, back to dh . . . I would probably want to say, "You jerk, you have to focus on the one thing I haven't done!" but then I'd reflect my own feelings in my head and say, "I feel unappreciated." And then I'd assign a positive intent and tell myself, "He doesn't know how I feel until I tell him. He isn't the kind of guy who tries to upset me and he is usually very appreciative." So then I'd say to him something like, "You know, I feel very unappreciated right now. I've worked hard on the house all day and the only thing I haven't gotten to is the one thing you asked me about. I'd planned on doing it ________. If you need it done now maybe you could do it, or we can tackle it real quick together." (or something along those lines that shares my feelings as well as outlines what I am willing to do about the issue.)

Okay, here is a big one for me - how do you express anger more appropriately (other than throwing the nearest object or yelling to the wind ).
I am finding it's helping me to blow- literally, take in a bunch of air through my nose, and blow it out my mouth with my eyes close to calm down... then saying that I am angry, and what I am angry about, and seeking solutions then.

I do this little opera singing/yell thing, its funny, it lightens my mood, and the kids laugh too, which tends to diffuse my anger and I can think straight. its hard to describe on the computer though :P

[Close2MyHeart]

I love the ideas... blowing and singing! I'll have to try those because lately I've been yelling and I threw something the other day! I feel like I'm behaving like my 3 yo!! I don't usually have such a problem w/ this...

Originally Posted by ArmsOfLove

YES!

Yes, this is a boundary being crossed. You are upset because you feel taken for granted and unappreciated. The boundary is related to what you do and what you're willing to do without feeling appreciated. A comparable parent/child example would be a child demanding a sandwich. You can set your boundary by either saying, "That is not how we get what we want. I will not be talked to that way." or you can say, "I'd be happy to make you a sandwich. Can you ask in a way that helps me to feel appreciated?" So, back to dh . . . I would probably want to say, "You jerk, you have to focus on the one thing I haven't done!" but then I'd reflect my own feelings in my head and say, "I feel unappreciated." And then I'd assign a positive intent and tell myself, "He doesn't know how I feel until I tell him. He isn't the kind of guy who tries to upset me and he is usually very appreciative." So then I'd say to him something like, "You know, I feel very unappreciated right now. I've worked hard on the house all day and the only thing I haven't gotten to is the one thing you asked me about. I'd planned on doing it ________. If you need it done now maybe you could do it, or we can tackle it real quick together." (or something along those lines that shares my feelings as well as outlines what I am willing to do about the issue.)

Thanks!!

[monkeylicious]

okay ladies, how is everybody doing that is crrently reading?

i'm just at my second week back to work and dh on nights... so, i have had a hard time keeping the book/concepts in mind during the day. it also seems that dd has been more agreeable this week. though at 13 mo, i feel alot of the skills are too verbal for her.

jennifer