Death linked to Pearls' advice--sensitive

[QuiltinGramma]

I think the word "repeated" is what turns a switching into a beating. As one of the mom said earlier, that when swatted or switched repeatedly in one place it becomes very, very painful and soft tissue damage is done at the least. Even if you would take your thumb or fingernail and just rub it back and forth repeatedly on the backside of your hand or on your arm, you would soon get a raw open wound. And I think that breaking a child's will and breaking a child's spirit...there is a very fine line between the two of them.

Now if I may ramble for a minute or two.
I was spanked growing up. That's how my parents were raised. Their parents and my parents did not know any better. DH & I raised our DC that way, I hated the yelling , I hated spanking but I didn't know what else to do. I only knew to spank. I didn't really know any other techniques. I apologized to our DD just before she left for her 2nd year of college. I asked her not to raise her dc like we had raised her and her brother. I told her to follow the example of a young couple in our church who never raised their voice or their hand (or at least it was very rarely) to their dc. I didn't know anything about gentle discipline or grace based discipline at that time. But I saw how well this young couple's rambuncious dc obeyed and I was so impressed. And now DD has introduced me to GCM and I have read and read and read...how I wish I could do it all over again. There would be no yelling. There would be no spanking. I tend to overheat (react) quickly and this forum would have helped me learn self-control so much more quickly. It would have help me to see children as real people and that I should give them the respect they deserve. I would have learned aids and tools to help me and have the support and encouragement when I needed it. I could have been one of Pearl's or Ezzo's moms who possibly/probably would have stepped over the line had I followed their writings because I lacked the self-esteem, the patience and the self-control that I needed in parenting. Had I followed their writing, my switchings or spankings would have turned into beatings. Not because I wanted to but because I needed to do everything 100% right. I'm sure my poor self-esteem really came into play in all of this because I truely believed that the only reason people were kind or nice to me was because they felt sorry for me or because of who I was related to or married to or a mother to. It took until my kids were in high school, no it was more like when DD was in her 1st year of college that I really began to gain self-esteem and see that people really liked me for me, for who I was and am.

In women with low self-esteem, we want everything to be perfect. We try to earn respect from others by what we do because we don't have any respect for ourselves. We make perfect targets for the Ezzos, Pearls, and Dobsons of this world. We take their word without questioning even though it may sound a little "off" or "wrong" we go ahead and do what they have written because these people have titles and degrees and we are nothing. Today is different (largely in part to DD ), now only once in a while does that ugly head of poor self-esteem rear up and I just have to stomp on it really hard and go on with life.

Now DD has a DS and another on the way. I don't ever want to spank my DGS because if I do it once, it will be so much easier to do it the next time and the next time. Spanking is too easy of an out and would become addicting to me, so that's why I'm here...to learn how not to spank and all the options available to me when I am with DGS.

[ArmsOfLove]

The real reason originally for spankings to be given in private is that they originated in the sexual act. It is a humiliating thing to spank a child so I don't buy spanking privately to not humiliate them The entire act is to make them submissive and humiliated--especially when it involves bending over and/or exposing buttocks as it often does. But even if it doesn't involve either of those things it's humiliating. A small person is expected to stand still and not object while a larger person they love hits them on the buttocks. That is disgusting imo.

And I once walked out of a seminar at a homeschool conference that was being led by Michael Farris (of HSLDA). He was ADAMANT that parents who spank MUST NOT do so, or threaten to do so, in public because of threat of CPS. Not for the child's sake, but for the protection of the parents. Then the group discussion deteriorated into a groupthink about all the ways people had found to hurt their children without leaving marks or having to fear CPS

I'm sorry that a child has finally died and had the Pearls and their teachings linked to it. I don't at all believe he's the first to die from their teachings. I do hope that the good that comes from this is greater awareness of the sick abusive teachings of the Pearls so that people can be forewarned and avoid them like the plague

[Epieikeia]

Well, by now you have probably guessed that we are a spanking family. Just FYI, that is why I tend to lay low on this board; I know spanking is against your statement of belief, and that's fine. I can respect that, really I can I'm not a troublemaker LOL But anyway... I just wanted to say something to this comment. *I* have a rule, too, about not spanking in public. But, it is NOT because I am afraid or ashamed or worried or anything. My reason for not spanking in public is because that can be humiliating to a child (even spanking in front of sibs can be humiliating) and my intent when disciplining is not to humiliate. But when you spank in front of others, the focus shifts from what the spanking is about, to humiliation. Thus, I do not spank in public. I am not out to get attention, or humiliate my child ("Oh I'll spank you in front of everyone and let everyone see how bad you are!" ) To me, spankings are very personal and pertain to that particular child, and I will not spank in front of others (besides dh). JMO.

I think it is hard to be objective if one feels a need to protect the Pearls. I'm not trying to be critical, but honest as I can relate.

I am of a Lutheran background, so the Pearl's teachings were not present at all (as I don't any believe Lutheran church body would allow the Pearl's teaching into their churches)...however, I did grow up with spanking/punitive parenting.

It too me a loooooooong time to objectively be able to turn my back on how I was raised in regards to the method of discipline. I had a weird sense of a need to be loyal... which blinded me to the fact that spanking/etc. were not the healthiest way or Biblical way to raise my children.

Being able to address this issue openly and honestly took time and was a painful process.....but all the pain, struggle, etc. was worth it....every moment of struggle, every tear, every heartache--as it made dh and I better parents and has created a home built on grace.

ETA: My mom never spanked in public either...it wasn't for the humiliation issue, but rather fear of CPS. Instead of spanking we got the infamous arm grabs....painful, but silent.

My reason for not spanking in public is because that can be humiliating to a child

Spanking is humiliating and degrading to a child no matter where it's done . Hiding it just proves there's something wrong with doing it in the first place.

[Wonder Woman]

Ok, I'll take the debate to IF for you, TulipMama.

ETA: Here it is!