Will it ever completely go away?

02-10-2006, 06:41 PM

Will that feeling ever completely go away? The one where you think that a child *should* obey the first time. That a child *should* be able to cope/handle situations. That a child *should* listen. . is 'old enough to understand'. . .etc. That ADHD doesn't exist and stricter 'discipline' and harsher treatment is necessary to drive these lessons home? That there must be vile consequences for vile behaviour, or they'll never learn? Will that insipid little whisper *ever* die off?!

I'm bombarded daily with the reality of imperfect and "damaged" children (as dh puts it

). . .and yet, there's that stupid voice. . . . .especially when I can't go places I want to go, do things I want to do, when I'm judged as an ineffective mother (especially by myself, and others' looks), and when I'm hit with the reality that I'm a failure as a mother. Especially since I don't want to share them.

I don't want to have to take J to the dr. for help with his eyes. . .I should be able to do that. I don't want to (and will not) put J and A on Ritalin (or comparable substance), so I just have to live with and deal with them. I'm not a girly girl (never have been. . .dd was 6 months old before the concept of tights made me realize that I *could* out those cute dresses on her

), so I'm ill equipped to deal with all the girly whining and emotional stuff that M throws my way.

Will that stupid idiotic little voice *ever* just go away?! The one that says children should be ______ way, and if they are not, you need to make them ________ way!

(Where's the pulling out the hair emoticon?!)

02-10-2006, 06:41 PM

Will that feeling ever completely go away? The one where you think that a child *should* obey the first time. That a child *should* be able to cope/handle situations. That a child *should* listen. . is 'old enough to understand'. . .etc. That ADHD doesn't exist and stricter 'discipline' and harsher treatment is necessary to drive these lessons home? That there must be vile consequences for vile behaviour, or they'll never learn? Will that insipid little whisper *ever* die off?!

I'm bombarded daily with the reality of imperfect and "damaged" children (as dh puts it

). . .and yet, there's that stupid voice. . . . .especially when I can't go places I want to go, do things I want to do, when I'm judged as an ineffective mother (especially by myself, and others' looks), and when I'm hit with the reality that I'm a failure as a mother. Especially since I don't want to share them.

I don't want to have to take J to the dr. for help with his eyes. . .I should be able to do that. I don't want to (and will not) put J and A on Ritalin (or comparable substance), so I just have to live with and deal with them. I'm not a girly girl (never have been. . .dd was 6 months old before the concept of tights made me realize that I *could* out those cute dresses on her

), so I'm ill equipped to deal with all the girly whining and emotional stuff that M throws my way.

Will that stupid idiotic little voice *ever* just go away?! The one that says children should be ______ way, and if they are not, you need to make them ________ way!

(Where's the pulling out the hair emoticon?!)

UltraMother · 02-10-2006, 07:20 PM

Those awful influences will always be out there somewhere, and of course they exist in our heads when others aren't constantly badgering us! So, no, I don't think they will ever go away. What we have to do is have strategies for when they come up (still working on that part).

UltraMother · 02-10-2006, 07:20 PM

Those awful influences will always be out there somewhere, and of course they exist in our heads when others aren't constantly badgering us! So, no, I don't think they will ever go away. What we have to do is have strategies for when they come up (still working on that part).

Radosny Matka · 02-10-2006, 09:06 PM

I dunno. I pray so. I still struggle with my family of origin baggage.

Radosny Matka · 02-10-2006, 09:06 PM

I dunno. I pray so. I still struggle with my family of origin baggage.

slingmamaof4 · 02-10-2006, 09:12 PM

You can create healthy, happy habits. With your children. It is hard to get those thoughts completely out of your head.

Have you read Joanne's Get Off Your Butt Parenting webpage. It does tell how you can help your kids obey the first time. And it full of very helpful info. Here it is:

http: //joanneaz_2.tripod.com/positivedisciplineresourcecenter/id23.html
(Just take out the spaces.)

slingmamaof4 · 02-10-2006, 09:12 PM

You can create healthy, happy habits. With your children. It is hard to get those thoughts completely out of your head.

Have you read Joanne's Get Off Your Butt Parenting webpage. It does tell how you can help your kids obey the first time. And it full of very helpful info. Here it is:

http: //joanneaz_2.tripod.com/positivedisciplineresourcecenter/id23.html
(Just take out the spaces.)

ArmsOfLove · 02-10-2006, 09:16 PM

I never got into the Pearls or Ezzo stuff but I still have those times of frustration when I should all over myself and my children

One thing I tell my children sometimes when they are hung up on something is, "That is not the truth. The truth is . . . " Maybe you could remind yourself what the truth is when those lies start bombarding you. I know lots of moms are helped by posting reminders around their house so they have new scripts for themselves everywhere.

ArmsOfLove · 02-10-2006, 09:16 PM

I never got into the Pearls or Ezzo stuff but I still have those times of frustration when I should all over myself and my children

One thing I tell my children sometimes when they are hung up on something is, "That is not the truth. The truth is . . . " Maybe you could remind yourself what the truth is when those lies start bombarding you. I know lots of moms are helped by posting reminders around their house so they have new scripts for themselves everywhere.

MarynMunchkins · 02-10-2006, 09:22 PM

I think it's much harder to go away when you have little to no IRL support. I've been shocked at how much easier things have been since we moved to Charlotte because I know 10-12 people IRL who use positive discipline.

5 are GCM's.

Quoting Scripture really helps me too. Remember that "love is patient" quells the feelings you're describing a little.

MarynMunchkins · 02-10-2006, 09:22 PM

I think it's much harder to go away when you have little to no IRL support. I've been shocked at how much easier things have been since we moved to Charlotte because I know 10-12 people IRL who use positive discipline.

5 are GCM's.

Quoting Scripture really helps me too. Remember that "love is patient" quells the feelings you're describing a little.

Reva · 02-11-2006, 04:15 AM

No advice, since I'm going through the same things at times too. I have tried the "Love is patient..." thing before and it seemed to help.

Reva · 02-11-2006, 04:15 AM

No advice, since I'm going through the same things at times too. I have tried the "Love is patient..." thing before and it seemed to help.

TulipMama · 02-11-2006, 08:44 AM

Quote:

"That is not the truth. The truth is . . . " Maybe you could remind yourself what the truth is when those lies start bombarding you. I know lots of moms are helped by posting reminders around their house so they have new scripts for themselves everywhere.

This has been important to me.

The truth is, Chris, no one on earth loves your children--or could love your children--more than you do. The truth is you are communicating that love consistently--in spite of the times you are struggling. The truth is that your imperfections as a mother and your honesty about that with your children are saving your children from the bondage of perfectionism--which is truly horrid bondage. And as you look to Christ and point your children to your need for (and their need for) God's grace daily, you are modeling to them the heart of the Gospel. They NEED that, and you are giving that to them.

I can look back over the past nearly two decades and see a pattern in my life--the negative self-talk and the condemnation of being a horrible mother, horrible wife, horrible Christian--is strongest during my PMS times. *blush* When I saw that pattern connected with my hormones, I was able to say to myself, "I know this is not true. I am imperfect, but I am not horrible in these roles God has given me. I need God's grace today, and I will not listen to this negativity." Your scripts of failures may not be hormonally-connected like mine are, but when you are in a good place, look back--what triggers, what outside influences do you see on this? If you can see a pattern, then you can put reminders in place to help you for those times when you know you will be most vulnerable.

*huuuuuug*

02-10-2006, 06:41 PM	#1
Chris3jam Guest Posts: n/a	Will it ever completely go away? Will that feeling ever completely go away? The one where you think that a child should obey the first time. That a child should be able to cope/handle situations. That a child should listen. . is 'old enough to understand'. . .etc. That ADHD doesn't exist and stricter 'discipline' and harsher treatment is necessary to drive these lessons home? That there must be vile consequences for vile behaviour, or they'll never learn? Will that insipid little whisper ever die off?! I'm bombarded daily with the reality of imperfect and "damaged" children (as dh puts it ). . .and yet, there's that stupid voice. . . . .especially when I can't go places I want to go, do things I want to do, when I'm judged as an ineffective mother (especially by myself, and others' looks), and when I'm hit with the reality that I'm a failure as a mother. Especially since I don't want to share them. I don't want to have to take J to the dr. for help with his eyes. . .I should be able to do that. I don't want to (and will not) put J and A on Ritalin (or comparable substance), so I just have to live with and deal with them. I'm not a girly girl (never have been. . .dd was 6 months old before the concept of tights made me realize that I could out those cute dresses on her ), so I'm ill equipped to deal with all the girly whining and emotional stuff that M throws my way. Will that stupid idiotic little voice ever just go away?! The one that says children should be ______ way, and if they are not, you need to make them ________ way! (Where's the pulling out the hair emoticon?!)

02-10-2006, 06:41 PM	#2
Chris3jam Guest Posts: n/a	Will it ever completely go away? Will that feeling ever completely go away? The one where you think that a child should obey the first time. That a child should be able to cope/handle situations. That a child should listen. . is 'old enough to understand'. . .etc. That ADHD doesn't exist and stricter 'discipline' and harsher treatment is necessary to drive these lessons home? That there must be vile consequences for vile behaviour, or they'll never learn? Will that insipid little whisper ever die off?! I'm bombarded daily with the reality of imperfect and "damaged" children (as dh puts it ). . .and yet, there's that stupid voice. . . . .especially when I can't go places I want to go, do things I want to do, when I'm judged as an ineffective mother (especially by myself, and others' looks), and when I'm hit with the reality that I'm a failure as a mother. Especially since I don't want to share them. I don't want to have to take J to the dr. for help with his eyes. . .I should be able to do that. I don't want to (and will not) put J and A on Ritalin (or comparable substance), so I just have to live with and deal with them. I'm not a girly girl (never have been. . .dd was 6 months old before the concept of tights made me realize that I could out those cute dresses on her ), so I'm ill equipped to deal with all the girly whining and emotional stuff that M throws my way. Will that stupid idiotic little voice ever just go away?! The one that says children should be ______ way, and if they are not, you need to make them ________ way! (Where's the pulling out the hair emoticon?!)

02-10-2006, 07:20 PM	#3
UltraMother Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 4,003	Re: Will it ever completely go away? Those awful influences will always be out there somewhere, and of course they exist in our heads when others aren't constantly badgering us! So, no, I don't think they will ever go away. What we have to do is have strategies for when they come up (still working on that part). __________________ Babies-they just grow on you. Shop for yarn and spindles at my etsy!

02-10-2006, 07:20 PM	#4
UltraMother Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 4,003	Re: Will it ever completely go away? Those awful influences will always be out there somewhere, and of course they exist in our heads when others aren't constantly badgering us! So, no, I don't think they will ever go away. What we have to do is have strategies for when they come up (still working on that part). __________________ Babies-they just grow on you. Shop for yarn and spindles at my etsy!

02-10-2006, 09:06 PM	#5
Radosny Matka Rose Garden I am so blessed! Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: somewhere between sane and crazy Posts: 26,922	Re: Will it ever completely go away? I dunno. I pray so. I still struggle with my family of origin baggage. __________________ Sara Wife to Love of my life 8/98 Momma to my precious children: N 17 years, P 13 years, O 5 years! Remembering our babies: 12/98 9/99 12/09 1/17

02-10-2006, 09:12 PM	#7
slingmamaof4 Rose Garden Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 10,066	Re: Will it ever completely go away? You can create healthy, happy habits. With your children. It is hard to get those thoughts completely out of your head. Have you read Joanne's Get Off Your Butt Parenting webpage. It does tell how you can help your kids obey the first time. And it full of very helpful info. Here it is: http: //joanneaz_2.tripod.com/positivedisciplineresourcecenter/id23.html (Just take out the spaces.) __________________ Sharon Married to Noah for 15 years; Mom to Belle Renee, 12; Ryllan Connor, 9; Finn Gabriel, 6; and Zane Sebastian, 2. Custom Photo Cards. PM me for details!

02-10-2006, 09:16 PM	#9
ArmsOfLove Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 79,607	Re: Will it ever completely go away? I never got into the Pearls or Ezzo stuff but I still have those times of frustration when I should all over myself and my children One thing I tell my children sometimes when they are hung up on something is, "That is not the truth. The truth is . . . " Maybe you could remind yourself what the truth is when those lies start bombarding you. I know lots of moms are helped by posting reminders around their house so they have new scripts for themselves everywhere. __________________ Crystal "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Maya Angelou

02-10-2006, 09:22 PM	#11
MarynMunchkins Deactivated Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 38,127	Re: Will it ever completely go away? I think it's much harder to go away when you have little to no IRL support. I've been shocked at how much easier things have been since we moved to Charlotte because I know 10-12 people IRL who use positive discipline. 5 are GCM's. Quoting Scripture really helps me too. Remember that "love is patient" quells the feelings you're describing a little.

02-11-2006, 04:15 AM	#13
Reva Rose Trellis Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 3,449	Re: Will it ever completely go away? No advice, since I'm going through the same things at times too. I have tried the "Love is patient..." thing before and it seemed to help. __________________ Married to my J since 2022 E 23 M 19 Forever missing my sweet R (HLHS) and the baby we never got to meet.

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