The Pearl's "Good stuff"

[heartofjoy]

I got a No Greater Joy article sent to me today by an elist. It was called "The Flavor of Joy". I agreed with much of the article. Here are a few snippets.

"Parents fail to train and don’t respond to the needs of the children until they are provoked into reacting to the ensuing intolerable behavior."

(Of course, I don't agree with his definition of train.)

"Once everyone knows the rules, and parents assume the role of manager and overseer, order is reestablished, tension melts away and every one is joyful with the new order."

(The "new order" sounds like something from Brave New World.)

"The establishment of consistent authority in the home was welcomed, and made everyone happy."

"Parents are competing with many others, in an open contest, for the position of role model. Children will seek to be like the person who most attracts them. Parents cannot demand respect or admiration. If it is not freely given, it doesn’t exist."

"...parenting doesn’t stop with conditioning children to outward obedience."

(He freely admits that his techniques are based on psychology: "Small children can be molded by proper application of good technique and good psychology")

"she certainly should never be allowed to alter the mood of the family."

(speaking of a grumpy child)

"You cannot threaten, insult, or intimidate a bad attitude out of a child. If you respond in anger, then the child cannot help but view your discipline as a personal confrontation."

Anyway, he spent alot of time talking about what a chaotic home looked like. And it's exactly what my home looked like when I tried to use his methods. And all his references to how the home atmosphere should be, I agree with. Parents infused with joy. Parents not letting the negative moods or misbehaviors of their children affect their joy. Parents as the loving, firm authority in the home. I totally agree. He never mentions spanking, but he talked about his "training" technique, and how it's helped so many parents gain control over the chaos. I just don't understand how people can jive these two ideas, behavioristic training and a joyful home. I couldn't do it. But I can have control and establish a firm authority in my home without using his training system. I can set routines and boundaries and have the same peaceful home without spanking anyone. And my children love and respect me, just like he says his do. I just don't get why it's all or nothing with him--use his technique or lose your home to chaos.

When I talk to people who love the Pearl's, and I say I don't like them, they always throw his "happy family" stuff in my face. You know, like it's so good. And I agree with it all except for his obscure references to spanking them for every offense. That's when people say, well, I just take away the good and leave the bad. But the bad is so wormy. It sneaks in and bites you when you least expect. It tarnishes everything he writes with a grimy film that's hard to see, but you can feel it. Like the floor in the McDonald's playroom.

I don't know why I am writing this. Just getting my thoughts out so I won't dwell on them all day.