How do we set the standard..

[milkmommy]

I posted this yesterday http://www.gentlechristianmothers.co...?topic=35711.0 well the conversation countinued today and it got me thinking and it presented another side of thr "pearl" life style. In talking yeserday I meantionedthe standards that we are going to be placing on our DD concerning her responsibility on leaving our keys alone. And that we considered her age and personal maturity to come up with the standard. Well now the question is who decides how do we know our standards are both respectful of the individual and not permissive.
I'm talking with a pearl follower whos wanting to make some changes one thing hes admitting to is although his kids seem 'well behaved' they really are not he admits they are well trained but horribly taught. So they react without thinking but have no idea why. His standards have always been because I said so and if you don't listen your going to feel bad so obey and feel good . Like (in classsic pearl style) if he says hot his kids drop what they are holding they were traineed that the word hot means hands off they have no idea why though. If I say hot to my dd over something that isn't (like say were pretending with her play kitchen) she'll go place her hand above the object to feel for heat then go no mommy no hots because she has a concept of what hot really means. SO anyways his kids avoid a lot of things and behave in certain ways because they are simpily trained.
So how do you decide what a standard should be? If it didn't bother me to have my three year old running naked through the streets would I be permissive to allow it? What about things not so umm "obvious"? What about those who are comming from a very punitive background, yet have never really taken the time to teach just to react?

Deannna

[Dana Joy]

Originally Posted by milkmommy

If it didn't bother me to have my three year old running naked through the streets would I be permissive to allow it?

I honestly think it is the parents response / attitude that makes the difference between permissive and not. Like if I decide that running outside naked is appropriate for my child, I'm not permissive, I have different standards. If OTOH I think she shouldn't be doing it - but for whatever reason, laziness, fear etc I decide to do nothing, then I'm permissive. In general my standards would probably not match up to alot of people who would label me as permissive, (ie my children are allowed to eat and drink whatever, whenever they want, my mom says I'm permissive because of this. Its just a different standard) BUT I am constantly evaluating my standards readjusting them by age and situation.

[AngelBee]

[milkmommy]

Originally Posted by danalyn1972

I honestly think it is the parents response / attitude that makes the difference between permissive and not. Like if I decide that running outside naked is appropriate for my child, I'm not permissive, I have different standards. If OTOH I think she shouldn't be doing it - but for whatever reason, laziness, fear etc I decide to do nothing, then I'm permissive. In general my standards would probably not match up to alot of people who would label me as permissive, (ie my children are allowed to eat and drink whatever, whenever they want, my mom says I'm permissive because of this. Its just a different standard) BUT I am constantly evaluating my standards readjusting them by age and situation.

Okay I'm going to pick on you but its just because you dared to post first Does "society's standards and the very possible natural conquences our child may encounter make a diffrence. Lets take the naked thing just as a overall silly example.
It does not bother me at all to see my child run around naked I could care less if she ever wore clothes. However not everyone feels this way many would try to take advantage or think in preverted ways of a toddlers running naked outside. There is the natural conquence of beig cold or sun burning depending on the elements. Many other wise "safe" people would still feel unfortable with my naked toddler runningthrough the streets. SO is it permissive of me to take these people and how society can preceive things into consideration?
Lets take a more "GCM" example. I nurse my three year old I do not nurse in public I stopped at about 18 months but was pretty carefull after a year. It wasn't because I feel its inproper to NIP or because I really cared if Mr and Mrs, Joans were offended but that I felt I needed to protect my DD from the stares and unnecssary snickers she could encounter (and was beging to when I made th decession) I stopped to avoid the conflict.. WAS I permissive?

my children are allowed to eat and drink whatever, whenever they want, my mom says I'm permissive because of this. Its just a different standard

What is nothing short of severe physical harm bother us. Like we could care less if our child ever ate well we could care less what they ever choose to wear we could care less if they learned who they hung out with what they saw on TV ect. IF these things just didn't bother us that as long as they came home at night and didn't comit a felony we were just cool would we be permissive. Now I'd bet we'd need to search far and wide for somone that bad but does just saying its okay with me mean its really okay. IS me simpily saying I'm okay make it okay? What responsiblities do I have as the parent and my childs protector?
Deanna

[Dana Joy]

I'm thinking real hard on this one- so be kind if I don't make sense.
I'm making some assumptions- I'm assuming that mom (or whoever is setting the standard) is taking into consideration societal standards, risks and consequences when she is setting her standard. Like I said before I am percieved by many to be permissive, for example the nekkie standard in my home has been as long as we aren't going anywhere and its not too cold and I put sunscreen on. So when there have been toddlers old enough to undress themselves there are ussually nekkie ones in my front yard. But I'm always tweaking things- we now live on a busy street and our front yard is all "filler" ivy stuff- so nekkie or not toddlers aren't allowed out there. I guess if my assumption of a caring, smart involved parent is in play - one that examined the risks and benifits and still chooses to set up a standard that society may think of as permissive- its really not permissiveness- just different standards.
For you NIPing a toddler example- I would do whatever it took to protect my child from teasing- in my case that may mean nursing in the car- or being a jerk to the people snickering (I know not very gentle of me). I was raised to be very aware of the facts that societal standards are not always the best. So me personally I do not think that limiting public nursing is permissive- it is protecting your child and putting up boundries to do help you do that.

[ArmsOfLove]

1) Scripture
2) Safety
3) My personal preference
4) Courtesy for others