How do I get 'past' this?

[Marrae]

Ok, I have a 14 yod and a 10 yos. I have had 3 m/c. I cannot have any more children.
I am British, we do not talk about feelings, in fact we do not have feelings (the way I was brought up ).
I can remember only really three things my mum told me.
1. When AF appeared for the first time - You'll have been told about this at school, right? end of conversation
2. A few weeks before my wedding - If the dr wants you to go on contraceptive pills, remember to tell him that there is high blood pressure in the family. end of conversation
3. Just before DD was born - There's no point trying to breastfeed, your skin is too fair. end of conversation
I am not trying to blame her for anything but just showing how totally un-informed and trusting I was. I didn't question anything and just did what others expected or told me. I did not have the internet or any parenting books. I am embarassed at how stupid I sound now.
So, to say I was not prepared for parenting is an understatement.
We got along quite well, a lot of things I did naturally were quite AP. Responding to babies needs, formula feeding on demand not scheduled, no cio, baby sleeping in our room till about 9 months or so, never leaving baby alone, tried slinging but it was a distastrous sling and I never knew there were better ones. I have always been a sahm and only ever occassionally left the children with grandparents.
BUT...........I am so sad about the things I did not do. Breastfeeding being the number one. Not persevering with the sling.
And then starting to spank when they were older ., not really valuing and cherishing the time when they were little - I was very stressed out by the whole parenting thing, yelling, not knowing about reflecting feelings etc etc
It's really eating away at me and there is no second chance, you know? I suppose I should be glad I never knew about the whole Ezzo/Pearl thing either.
How do I get over this? How do I get to feel peace about this all? How can I encourage others to do things that I never did although I know now that I should have? I feel such a fraud and a hypocrite.
My dh says that he feels sometimes that I should not read as much on this board as I get so sad about these things. You know, just upsetting myself about things I cannot change now.
Where do I go from here?
BTW, I have never told anyone else I feel like this. Dh just knows a little of it.

[Wonder Woman]

I think your answer lies here:

How can I encourage others to do things that I never did although I know now that I should have?

You didn't know. You did your best with the knowledge you had. Trust me, God's grace is there to cover every Mama's shortcomings.

As far as encouraging others - one of the LC's at the hospital where ds was born ffed all her children! After her kids were older, she got more info and became a LC. She is honest with her clients....she did not have the info or support to bfeed her dc. So, she does her best to help others.

I'm new to GBD myself. I found it when ds was 10 months old. And you know what? I have regrets from before! I think all we mamas secondguess ourselves.

Big . You're a wonderful mama! Rest in God's Grace...

[booboo]

We all made mistakes as moms. I've made some pretty horrible ones myself and my kids are still young (ages 6 and 4 1/2).

1. First, bring this to God. Express your feelings, ask forgiveness, just pour out your heart to Him. You may want to do this after your kids are asleep at night. I mean, if you haven't done this already.

2. Forgive yourself. I can tell you I have the hardest time forgiving myself than anybody else! You gotta keep pressing on, keep moving on to the goal of Christ! He will lift you up!

I have felt so accepted here at this board and I'm struggling a lot, trying to be a gentle mom. But being a part of this board has been a very positive step for me and I can see the difference with my kids since last summer.

Keep learning how to be a good mom now. I'm sure there are many more parents out there who wish they had breastfed, didn't spank, etc. etc. You can't keep kicking yourself over this. Read and memorize Scripture. Read the articles here on gentle parenting. It won't happen overnight or within a few days. It takes time to form a habit, to do something new daily.

I hope I've helped, even if just a little.

What's that saying? I did the best I knew how to do. When I knew better, I did better. Something like that.

I think we all have parenting regrets, even those women (and I'm not one of them!) who were informed and appeared to get it all right from the beginning. It's easy to say and hard to do, but you have to forgive yourself and stop living in the past. You can't change what you did yesterday, but you can change what you will do today. So you say you didn't value and cherish the time when your children were little. Stop feeling guilty about that and put that energy into cherishing the time you have with them now.

How can I encourage others to do things that I never did although I know now that I should have?

You can encourage them by talking about your experience and what you wish you had done differently. For example, I really regret not being more informed on the circumcision issue. I never gave it a second thought until after my last boy was circed. Now that I know better, I would never make that choice again, but I think they discard the foreskin so there's no going back now. :P It's useless for me to beat myself up about it. What I do instead is tell everyone I know who is having a child to inform herself on circs. Maybe someone else will learn from my mistake.

I'm sorry you're feeling down about this. I pray that you find some peace

Even though your children are "older" and not babes in arms anymore... the changes in ideas you have had will affect them profoundly. As others have said, we all have regrets about what we didn't know or didn't do... I worry about negative long-term effects on my children, but I REJOICE that I found new ways of doing things before they went through an entire childhood full of my old beliefs and ideas.

My parents made choices that I am not following and do not agree with, but they LOVED us and did the best they could with what they knew... their love and committment to us was the glue that kept our family together even through tough times.

I am encouraged to think that when YOUR kids reach these same crucial points in their lives, there will be frank and helpful discussion.. that when they have their own kids you will be supporting them in AP and gentle parenting efforts... and that you will be an wonderful Grandmommy if God does bless you with grandchildren. Also, please don't be afraid to share your heart with others... you never know which "story" someone needs to hear... which approach will really make an impression on their heart and mind, so just be honest and share your experience.

One thing I fully intend to do when my kiddos are a bit older is to be a force for good (and the voice of AP/GD) in our church nursery. I want to pour out all the good things I've learned onto those new babies and young families...

I hope that God will encourage your heart this week and affirm that you are a blessing to the children you have.

[sadie]

The changes you have made are wonderful.

If you want my personal opinion, you were a wonderful mother from the start. You were loving, nurturing and responsive, and you did the best you could, which is a lot more than I can say about a lot of parents.

One thing that may help is to focus not on what you didn't do right, but on how you can ensure that your children will learn the best things with their own kids through your teaching. Also, you can try to help and support as many new moms as possible, using your experiences to teach and guide them.

You have a lot of wisdom, experience and knowledge. Many mommas need you to be their champion. Your kids need you to show them how to do it. You are a wonderful teacher and your example and guidance will help so many people.

It is a horrible feeling to regret past mistakes, but the Lord has forgiven you, and everything that has happened is ultimately for good. You can take this disappointment and use it to help so many.

Originally Posted by Helpmeet

BTW, I have never told anyone else I feel like this.

Have you told your kids you have regrets? My kids were considerably younger when I started getting serious about GBD, but I've talked to them about it some - certainly I've talked about learning that spanking is wrong, and I've started teaching my eldest (12) about some of the parenting verses and how they get twisted. I want them to be solidly grounded in scripture on those points where I was most confuzzled.

We were raised to deny our feelings, too, and that's one thing I struggle with. I think some of my initial sorrows over how I'd raised my kids were also mourning over how I'd been raised - if you've repressed your feelings for years, they're still there, and when you start opening yourself up and allowing those feelings expression, they don't always come out in logical ways. Your emotions will mostly likely be really strong for some time - you don't want to repress them again, I shouldn't think, so the only way you can go is forward. :P And if you've been fairly unemotional before that's going to be a bit of a shock to those you live with - I think knowing that you're dealing with years worth of emotions all at once makes it easier to accept them and to feel less out of control.

Alice Miller talks about that a lot - about how we sometimes, as adults, have to face and focus the feelings we never recognized as children. And even if that's not a problem, we still have to learn how to express our feelings as adults. If you're not allowed negative feelings as a child, then as an adult you're not really sure how to express those feelings in a positive way. Raised the way I was, it sounds crazy to suggest that anger and sorrow can be expressed in a positive way. But sorrow is the right response to pain - our own or others'. It's perfectly valid to mourn past sins and hurt if they were never mourned before - but we also must turn to Christ and let Him soothe our pain.

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

Even when we screw up, God can make use of us. You can speak as someone who has "seen both sides" - and I believe that, in time to come, you'll be able to tell others how Christ can bring joy out of ashes. It sounds to me like you are on the right track. Maybe now you need to do more research on communicating and expressing your own feelings? I know that in my family, the "don't have any bad feelings" thing was connected to "you can't teach anyone unless you're perfect" kind of idea. I think one of the reasons my parents believed everything had to look perfect was that they thought people wouldn't listen to or respect them if it didn't. Their view was that if you've "screwed up," the right thing to do is "keep quiet." So the unspoken lesson is that it's wrong to speak up if you realized you'd done something wrong.

I am really trying to teach my kids that mistakes are learning experiences, and not something to be ashamed of. Some of us just have to learn by doing, and by doing it wrong at first. We've still learned, and our knowledge is still valid. It's people who deny they ever did it wrong who are the hypocrites, IMHO. Those who say, "I did it this way, but I've learned there's a better way" are just being honest.

Sheryl

[arymanth]

I could almost have written that post myself, with just a few minor changes. I have five kids, but I've had 4 miscarriages and I don't know if I can have any more children or not. I'm American, but my family did not talk about their emotions much either.

Mom's reaction to AF was "the stuff is in that box under your bed." ("the box" was a sort of "starter kit" with pads, BELTS, and instructions! I had to figure it out myself!)

Mom's advice about sex was "DON'T until you get married". She did tell me that I "needed" to get on birth control a few months before I got married because "it can take time for it to kick in"... she wanted to be sure I wouldn't have kids right away. Fortunately, I quit taking them right after I got married and was pregnant 3 months later! LOL

Fortunately, mom never said anything about breastfeeding... well, she kept asking me when I was going to give him REAL food (at less than 1 month old!) I was living 12 hours away from my parents at the time, so I pretty much decided to do what I wanted in that area.

BUT.... I did follow what my church taught about parenting and what my friends were doing. It wasn't Ezzo or the Pearls, but it might as well have been. I wasn't just "unprepared for parenting"... I was CLUELESS!!!

Like you, I managed to do some things right. We co-slept, never CIO (tried for a couple nights with my first, but quickly decided it wasn't worth it!) TRIED to use a sling, but never quite got the hang of it. LOL

Then somewhere around the time they learned to walk, I threw all my "gentle parenting" out the window and started spanking. I was a horrid mom for at least the first ten years of my parenting journey... I yelled, I spanked, I used shaming and cruel words to "discipine" my kids. When I look back at what I was, I am horrified. I am still not the perfect "gentle mom". I actually swat my kids every once in awhile.... even though I KNOW BETTER. (old habits die hard!!!!)

The one saving grace of my entire situation is that I know that I can talk to people from the perspective of someone who has BEEN THERE and who knows what the outcome of that kind of parenting can be. I'm not just one of those moms who have never even tried spanking and who did everything "perfect" from the beginning. I was the BAD MOM, the one other moms look at in disgust and horror as I spanked my kids and growled threats at them in my frustration. If *I* can come out of this and change, then ANYONE can!

I have the benefit of TONS of mistakes that I can hopefully steer other parents away from. I am the poster mom for "what is wrong with spanking". LOL I can also say "I have done both...and gentle discipline works BETTER!" Some people won't even listen to you if you say you have never spanked... they figure "you've never tried it, how would you know." Well, I have tried it, in all it's forms. It stinks. :P

But the most important aspect to ME, is that my experience is a powerful example of God's GRACE and FORGIVENESS. If God can forgive ME for doing what I did to my children, then how much more should I be able to show grace to my kids when they mess up? I have been proud, defiant, rebellious, mean and disobedient.... and God didn't "hit" me. It is like the parable Jesus told about the man who owed a lot of money and his creditor forgave him. "He who is forgiven much, loves much." I'm still human, and I still make mistakes with my kids... but all God has to do is touch that one spot... didn't I forgive YOU for doing that?... and I am pulled up short. If I allow Him to use my own shortcomings, I can be a better mother to my kids and maybe help other moms who are struggling with the same things I have been through.

Don't worry about what you WERE... if you have asked God to forgive you, then as far as he is concerned, that is forgotten. The important thing is to focus on who you want to be.... who God wants you to be as a parent. Some of the greatest people in the Bible were the ones who screwed up the most. Paul was the biblical equivalent of Osama Bin Laden ... killing all those who did not agree with his faith... and yet look what God did with him!!! God does not love us or use us because of who WE are, but in spite of who we are. He chooses the broken, the damaged, the undesirable and the unloveable. I guess that means I qualify.

The Bible says "If any man be in Christ, he is a new creature... old things have passed away... behold, all things have become new!" You are not who you were before... and you are not yet who you are becoming. You can't let who you WERE keep you from becoming what God has planned for you. Do you still hold things against your children that they did when they were younger? They are still growing and learning and changing... who they were 2 years ago or even two months ago is not who they are today or who they will be tomorrow. You need to let God take you and make something beautiful out of you.... he does that kind of thing, you know. He gives beauty for ashes.

Just wanted to encourage you today.

Stephanie
mom to 4 boys and a princess!

Ruth.

I wish my mom got a clue when I was your girls ages (either 10 or 14, it doesn't really matter). You can't change the past, but you can change the here & now. And your dd's are going to need you in a big way to navigate puberty, boys, decisions about careers and marriage.

I would encourage you just to be frank with them - share your mistakes, what you wish you did better and talk to them about all the biggies like sex and why you think they should wait for marriage, not just don't do it. Boyfriends and what a waste of time they are. :P What to look for in a husband and how you want them to be treated by a husband. And encourage them to be gentle moms when their time comes. You *are* doing the right thing by coming here, getting informed & starting down this path. Your girls *are* going to benefit from your new found wisdom, just in a different way than you hoped.

[julbug]

What really occurred to me when reading your post is your continuing desire to parent and grow in your mothering even though your kids are "older". Have you ever considered adoption (or fostering)?

Our DS is adopted and we are now entering the season of our family's life that we are about to welcome however many biological children the Lord blesses us with, but then we will be adopting and/or fostering once again as long as God wills it.

I know my response doesn't really answer your original concers about breastfeeding, etc. but it was just something that struck me in reading your post and how much motherly wisdom that you have to offer. While I'm sure you will bless other mothers with your encouragement and wisdom, perhaps you ARE meant to bless other children as well.

[sadie]

Well, kind of OT, but you can bf adopted babies.

[ArmsOfLove]

Oh ((((((((hugs))))))))) You had fantastic intuition and bad advice. It's true that you can't go back and redo things, but you can go forward and help others from what you've learned. Your story is your testimony!

My Rabbi and his wife read my book a few years ago when their kids were 11-13. They did some study and realized that what I had in there was right and sat their children down and apologized to them. They talked about what changes they were going to make and what they couldn't go back and change, and asked forgiveness and said their relationship improved immensely over night!

Life is a journey and we learn as we go, never knowing all we could or will eventually wish we did. We do our best each day with what we know. And the internet is an amazing thing!

One thing that I think will help you is to know that your mom told you what she knew and didn't know better either. If you can forgive her then no doubt your young ones can forgive you

[Marrae]

Thank you all so much for your gracious replies.
Every single one has been helpful and a blessing.

your mom told you what she knew and didn't know better either. If you can forgive her ......

Crystal, I think you have hit the mark, as usual! I must admit I feel a little bitter. I will work on this.

'Julbug' - have sorta thought of this in the past. My bil and sil have two adopted children but it is very difficult here in this area. I would be interested to know what a typical home study is like in the US. Here is is very intrusive and Christian parents are not really welcomed.