when the bean dip doesn't work

[Heather Micaela]

I have a friend who is more of a gentle mama than me though she has never heard of gentle discipline. and has only been taught dobsin-ish stuff. Ususally though she does what she feels God is leading her to do with her dd - which *is* grace-filled. (If my understanding of GBD could combine w/ her natural patience and grace I would be one great mama.)

She is not a computer/message board person - so I am writing this on her behalf becuase of an incident that has grieved her.

(I relaized this is about to get confusing so let me assign names to the people. My friend is now Laura and her daughter is now Mandy.)

Anyways a friend of Laura's confronted her at church about Mandy's behavior (she is 4). The friend was appaled that Laura let her run up and down the walk outside the sanctuary. Thing is that all the kids do this - we are a small church with no grass. So there is no other place to run and for kids to get out thier energy while parents chat. (Other than the parking lot - which is obviously not ok). The friend also mentioned that on one ocassion Mandy lifted her skirt up and her panties could be seen.

Laura could tell that this person thought these things were horrid. So she listed polotley and said "Thank you for your concern, but I don't think that is an area of concern." Well the lady would not drop it and changing the subject did not work. Neither did a pointed "I don't care to discuss this anymore." In fact the lady turned it in to a criticism of her and her parenting.

I know Mandy well and she *is* spirited. But she is also polite and a typical 4 year old. My kids run with her. As do the kids of other families. And as for the skirt lifting . It seemed like a one time incident.

So Laura tried to let it go and yet this lady called and left messages and emailed about it for the next few days. This lady goes to our church and she *will* have to see her again. How ought she handle things when her parenting is called into question once again?

OH - btw - Tripp was just taught at our church not too long ago.

[expatmom]

Yikes!

If it were me, I'd just keep repeating my broken record mantra "I do not wish to discuss this with you any further" no matter what the other woman responded. And I'd probably ask my dh to tell her it was not open for discussion.

That sounds borderline stalkerish! I'd probably formulate a plan with dh so he was on the look out for her and would come to my rescue if she approached me. Just having the male presence by me might make my words have more impact. Then in hopefully a Joanne-esque voice I'd say "You have shared your concerns with me and I have heard them. I am not going to discuss my daughter or my parenting with you anyfurther. If you bring it up again, I will leave." And then do just that.

Magan

[MarynMunchkins]

At this point, I'd be very direct and borderline rude. "You've shared your concerns with me, and I have listened. I disagree with your conclusion, and your continued remarks are rude and offensive. If you can't stop, I will block both your email and phone number, and bring up this situation with elders in our church. You are clearly unable to respect a boundary and allow me to parent my child. I will not discuss this further with you."

[YolandaWELS]

Originally Posted by MarynMunchkins

"You've shared your concerns with me, and I have listened. I disagree with your conclusion, and your continued remarks are rude and offensive. If you can't stop, I will block both your email and phone number, and bring up this situation with elders in our church. You are clearly unable to respect a boundary and allow me to parent my child. I will not discuss this further with you."

I'd have to agree - Your friend has ended the conversation the first time and it doesn't seem to work. I'd respond as Mary wrote to be sure it doesn't happen again. (Winds are beginning to pick up w/ Autumn approaching and you don't want to be clothes-lined by this women next time your daughters skirt picks up)

I concur with what the others have said. Calling someone repeatedly at home to continue criticizing them is harrassment. I personally don't think it has much to do with church leadership. It's not a doctrinal issue, and the church can't tell the woman how to act or who to call. I would advise her to inform the woman that her actions are harrassing and that she will contact local authorities if the phone calls and public confrontations do not cease immediately.

[J3K]

I've been in her shoes. Nearly hounded by this one woman who would NOT let anything go. Nothing I said kept her off me.

I finally said (after a week of phone calls and emails that I used varying techinques with) : Very important...I wasn't panicky , I wasn't on the verge of tears , I wasn't emotional..just the opposite. I was flat and calculated and cool. In complete control.

okay..I didn't say it, I used a firm LOUD voice in front of others :

"LEAVE ME ALONE ! LEAVE MY CHILDREN ALONE.! I WILL NOT TALK TO YOU ANYMORE. "



and ya know what...she did. and ya know what else...I had other mothers approach me , who witnessed it and heard about it (good news travels fast I suppose ) these other moms told me this lady did the same thing to them.

So even if your friend is the first..she needs to put an end to it for any future ladies. If she's one in a long line of victims () she'll get thanked by others.

[kwisie]

Her daughter's behavior sounds totally normal for a child her age (and even older!) I head up the children's area at our church, and both of these situations come up pretty regularly. Ok, so the girls don't necessarily pull their dresses up all the time on purpose, but I do have to gently remind them to keep them down when they're sitting or playing.

Anyway, I agree with what the pp's have said about how to handle this. That lady is completely out of line.

[CelticJourney]

Isn't it ironic that we often have to be more firm than gentle in defending our gentle choices I agree, she is going to have to firm up her boundries.

[ArmsOfLove]

"stalker" was the word that came to my mind too and I love what was suggested for a script. In fact, I'd treat it as an offense if the woman doesn't listen to the boundary and go to her with the pastor in tow to make her leave me alone

[Heather Micaela]

thanks for the advice and for confirming what she felt and I thouhgt - that this lady was WAY out of line

[YolandaWELS]

Let us know how it worked out - I would like to know at what point did the woman decide to stop ......

[BHope]

Seriously, the woman called her at home? Because her child was running on the sidwalk and lifted her dress? Wow.

I'm in agreement that Laura needs to take a hard line on this one and establish a pretty solid boundary. Sounds like the aggressive-advice-giver is a "give an inch, take a yard" type of personality. In Laura's shoes I would have passed the bean dip. When that didnt' work I would then established a strong personal boundary. If those two tactics didn't do the job, my husband would be stepping in.

[J3K]

I've had my husband step in before too. Especially when I couldn't draw an emotional line in the sand. He's a lot less nice than I am.

The only reason I didn't let him handle the lady in my other post...he was talking about calling the police and slapping her with a restraining order. Something I felt was over the top. But he did get "hubby points" for protecting us so vehemently.

[YolandaWELS]

I love hearing you guys referencing hubby stepping in. Such a great thing ... provided your husband is not like mine.

My husbands answer would be to walk way, hang up and blatantly ignore the person. Avoid angry or defensive comments at all costs.