How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM?

[mommy2abigail]

Welcome!

[mommy2abigail]

Welcome!

Welcome!

How lovely to read your posts and see you thinking deeply about your relationship with your children.
Just wondering...where does your husband stand? Was he really into the Pearl's also... is he open to GBD?

I don't post often, but have found this board to be a real blessin in my family's life. ( we come from an Ezzo background...ironically a number of people I know who have gone away from the Ezzo stuff have embraced the Pearl's...I looked at the NGJ site...read an article about blanket training ...went and never went back!)

My husband and I agree that the Pearls have a lot of poor advice. My husband was actually "done" with the Pearls for a quite some time now. He was relieved when I finally let go of the Pearls. He wants to raise our children in love and so do I.

[Lantern Light Mama]

I would recommend to you Crystal's book. You can order it from her website and also a workbook. Im glad your here!

From what I am finding here, I need to get that book!

[Hannah Jo]

I'm finding your posts so encouraging to read!

And your husband sounds like a keeper!

[Maggie]

So happy for you and your family!

[BornFreeBaby]

Originally Posted by ArmsOfLove

You have mentioned a couple of times what I find to be the most negative thing about the Pearls and their teachings--they convince parents that normal childhood behavior is "bad" "evil" "not to be tolerated" and it is that attitude that creates the adversarial relationship children are not our enemies--Satan in the enemy. And Satan is not responsible for them getting out of bed repeatedly at 2--that is just being 2.

This is so true. The pearls imprint in your head that children must obey like dogs. I find it very disturbing that Pearl compares children to training animals. And so that's what comes to be expected of our children- not to be people, but to obey like dogs. No wonder the children flinch and are scared- they aren't treated like people with feelings.
I think its great that you 'allowed' your child to cry and be sad. He needs to be allowed to cry and feel his feelings. Getting upset with him about him showing you his feelings has long-term consequences. You don't really want him to hide his true feelings from you do you? Especially later on when they are teenagers.
I think its great that you have made such great progress in being gentle over this.

I guess one question that needs to be asked, and only you can answer, is to truly ask "why?" Why do you feel such big feelings about a 2yo getting out of bed? Why does it create anger in you that causes you to feel the need to lash out? I know the Pearls teach to not spank in anger, but most people admit that when you take away the spankings the anger is right there without a release and has to be dealt with. And anger is a secondary emotion--so it's coming because you are not dealing with frustration or disappointment or something else that is very real.

I think the anger comes fast and furious especially if you've ever been beaten in anger yourself as a child. I do believe that when we have our own children, that anger we felt as a child from feeling the brunt of our own spankings- is now reflected and comes out when our own children don't immediately comply. I find it especially important for me to practice GBD with my children because it helps me deal with my own anger- to pray and ask God to soften my heart.To ask myself- why am I so angry? He is 2. I am the adult and need to have much more patience than my own 2 y.o. Instead of seeing your child playing in the bathroom as a 'bad' child that needs to be switched, realize that millions of 2 y.o's around the world (Including my own) are very smart, curious individuals who are conducting science experiments with water and paper, and are learning how this big world works. Its completely normal. That doesn't mean that I allow it though! It means that I check my anger and ask God to take the anger and to replace it with His Grace so I can impart that to my child. Then I am able to be firm and kind at the same time- holding the boundry and requiring compliance without getting upset and angry. I am the one who needs to have a 'happy heart' with my child to show him the proper behavior, not just demand it from him.

Also, as someone mentioned earlier, be aware that by changing your parenting, he may be confused and will test the boundries (a lot)- because the previous way you have dealt with him has been fear-driven. Once he knows he doesn't have to fear you, he may test more, but don't get discouraged - keep up the boundries in a loving, but matter-of-fact way. Show him you are unchanging in your boundries and that you won't be swayed by him showing his emotions. Don't be afraid to let them cry and feel upset when you require compliance. Don't get upset at their emotions, but hug them and love them while still being unchanging in your boundries. Its a hard thing to change your thinking of children's outbursts of emotions as a 'bad' behavior. When we (as adults) cry out to God and get upset when things don't go our way, God doesn't punish us for our feelings. He wrapes His arms around us.
Know that what you are doing now is creating a better relationship in the future, as well as leading them to Christ.