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Unprepared for Parenting (Ezzos, Pearls, Etc.) *Public* Support and information for those affected by the Ezzos, the Pearls, and other punitive and adversarial methods of child-rearing.
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23. No posts harshly dissecting parenting moments of others since we desire to humbly cultivate a heart attitude of grace and not judgment towards other mamas. We all struggle at times as parents and have much to learn, and GCM's focus is to provide tools and information for each of us to parent more effectively. Posts voicing some frustration regarding choices made by others can be okay, but it needs to be within the overall context of seeking understanding or ideas for better responses in the future.

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Old 02-10-2006, 01:09 PM   #16
Reva
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Default Re: How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM?

First of all, ! I think you will love it here. It will take some getting used to, having to retrain your mind/thinking, but it will absolutely be worth it! I don't come from a "Pearl" background, but I did used to spank. Actually I was out of control w/ spanking, yelling, etc, when I found GCM. I do still struggle w/ obedience-ie you do it when I say to. That's how *I* was raised, and it's so hard to get out of that mindset. I'm working on it though.

Just wanted to say welcome, and most importantly keep praying about it all!
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Old 02-10-2006, 01:13 PM   #17
cornflower
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Default Re: How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM?



We're so glad to have you here! I'm going to sound like I'm tooting our horn here , but I think you'll find that this is a very gentle, grace-filled community. IME, message boards that promote spankings and adversarial parent/child relationships are very harsh, painful places to be if you don't embrace *everything* everyone else does. You'll get flamed for asking honest questions, and your salvation will be questioned by others. In short, they're very legalistic. We try really hard (and I think succeed 99% of the time) to extend grace to each other on this board, which is why it's so hard for so many of us to limit our time here.

I, too, had doubts about GBD just being permissiveness wrapped up in a pseudo-biblical package. (Please forgive me, everyone! I don't know if I've confessed that before.) At first I came to GCM just b/c I could be AP and a Christian (crazy combo in my community), I sort of avoided the discipline forums for awhile b/c I didn't get how GBD could be firm. God has shown me though, that I can have *very* high standards for my children without using painful methods. GBD does take time, but I'm seeing that my second child (who has been more GBD'd than my first was) has earlier recognized that "resistance is futile." My almost-3yo will still not *want* to obey me, but we've done enough "okay, mommy will have to help you do X" that she knows (usually) that she might as well go on and comply. Another difference is that when she *doesn't* comply, it doesn't make me as angry as it used to... b/c I know that I *can* and *will* make her do whatever it is she's been told to do.

Well, now that I've written a novel and not answered your question...

First, I'd recommend exploring the two websites that jadensmom gave you. They are great resources. Second, I'd recommend perusing the topics in the Discipline forum. Next, maybe you would enjoy prayerfully studying the *idea* of first-time-everytime-with-a-happy-heart obedience... see if this is a notion the bible espouses. Was Moses FTEWAHH with God? Was Abraham FTEWAHH with God? How about Job or Jonah? Just look at the idea and explore its roots.

I think you'll find that most of us require our children to comply with our commands (sometimes they will *choose* to obey, but I can't *make* them obey, I can only make them comply since obedience is a heart issue), but we don't require that they be happy doing so. And, we also know that achieving compliance may require us to be persistent with our insistence.
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Old 02-10-2006, 01:13 PM   #18
cornflower
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Default Re: How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM?



We're so glad to have you here! I'm going to sound like I'm tooting our horn here , but I think you'll find that this is a very gentle, grace-filled community. IME, message boards that promote spankings and adversarial parent/child relationships are very harsh, painful places to be if you don't embrace *everything* everyone else does. You'll get flamed for asking honest questions, and your salvation will be questioned by others. In short, they're very legalistic. We try really hard (and I think succeed 99% of the time) to extend grace to each other on this board, which is why it's so hard for so many of us to limit our time here.

I, too, had doubts about GBD just being permissiveness wrapped up in a pseudo-biblical package. (Please forgive me, everyone! I don't know if I've confessed that before.) At first I came to GCM just b/c I could be AP and a Christian (crazy combo in my community), I sort of avoided the discipline forums for awhile b/c I didn't get how GBD could be firm. God has shown me though, that I can have *very* high standards for my children without using painful methods. GBD does take time, but I'm seeing that my second child (who has been more GBD'd than my first was) has earlier recognized that "resistance is futile." My almost-3yo will still not *want* to obey me, but we've done enough "okay, mommy will have to help you do X" that she knows (usually) that she might as well go on and comply. Another difference is that when she *doesn't* comply, it doesn't make me as angry as it used to... b/c I know that I *can* and *will* make her do whatever it is she's been told to do.

Well, now that I've written a novel and not answered your question...

First, I'd recommend exploring the two websites that jadensmom gave you. They are great resources. Second, I'd recommend perusing the topics in the Discipline forum. Next, maybe you would enjoy prayerfully studying the *idea* of first-time-everytime-with-a-happy-heart obedience... see if this is a notion the bible espouses. Was Moses FTEWAHH with God? Was Abraham FTEWAHH with God? How about Job or Jonah? Just look at the idea and explore its roots.

I think you'll find that most of us require our children to comply with our commands (sometimes they will *choose* to obey, but I can't *make* them obey, I can only make them comply since obedience is a heart issue), but we don't require that they be happy doing so. And, we also know that achieving compliance may require us to be persistent with our insistence.
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Old 02-10-2006, 01:50 PM   #19
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Default Re: How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM?

Butterfly,

I do come from a Pearl background, though we were not "in" as long as you. It was the most destructive thing I've ever done with my children, and leaving it behind was incredibly difficult (not saying that to scare you... just being truthful). On the up side, the changes that I was required to make (mostly in myself) were a catalyst for the most profound personal and spiritual growth I've ever experienced. There is so much I want to say.. *taking a deep breath*

I will post more later... just wanted to give you a and let you know that I am one who has made the switch.

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Old 02-10-2006, 01:50 PM   #20
Katherine
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Default Re: How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM?

Butterfly,

I do come from a Pearl background, though we were not "in" as long as you. It was the most destructive thing I've ever done with my children, and leaving it behind was incredibly difficult (not saying that to scare you... just being truthful). On the up side, the changes that I was required to make (mostly in myself) were a catalyst for the most profound personal and spiritual growth I've ever experienced. There is so much I want to say.. *taking a deep breath*

I will post more later... just wanted to give you a and let you know that I am one who has made the switch.

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Old 02-10-2006, 02:11 PM   #21
butterflymommy
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Default Re: How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM?



Thank you, ladies. I am holding back the tears. I have just read through the entire Arms of Love Website while nursing my baby and feeding and caring for my children. I love the part about the meaning of the rod, spanking, and obeying. Let me see if I understand this? The rod was not meant to permit a spanking? Rather, the rod is ‘reasoning” or teaching the child truth, grace, love, lessons, by words and actions? If I treat my children with care and respect and teach them rules with firmness and love, this will drive that bounded foolishness that is not controlling them, far from them? But, by my parenting, I will keep that foolishness from them? They will one day choose to obey me (well, I see a lot of that now), but that is their responsibility, not mine to force on them? But, I still need to have rules that they need to follow. But, I need to make up in my mind that I am teaching them how to obey, not forcing an act of obedience.

Example…My son just had a bowl of soup. He said, “All done,” but did not eat his noodles or veggies. I told him that he needs to eat the food given to him (house rule). He said, OK, and finished his soup. Is this the instruction, reasoning that verse describes? Later when he put his dishes in the sink, he threw the bowl and spoon rather hard into the sink. I told him that throwing dishes in the sink is not OK. I took the bowl and spoon out and told him to always put the dishes in gently so they won’t break. He did. I praised him. And he was a giggly little 2yr old. Then, off he ran to play. Is this how GCM do it? I do this all the time.

The whole thing with my anger, or my dissatisfaction with him not obeying (getting out of bed, playing in the bathroom at 5AM (today), whining, etc.) is so difficult to process. I am so used to a Me-against-You attitude with my children. You obey me and if you don’t I will MAKE you…and you’ll like it! Blah.

So, if you wake up to your 2 yr old making a HUGE water mess in the bathroom, what do you do? How do you NOT get angry???

Thank you for being a soft place for me to land….I need A LOT of GRACE!


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Old 02-10-2006, 02:11 PM   #22
butterflymommy
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Default Re: How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM?



Thank you, ladies. I am holding back the tears. I have just read through the entire Arms of Love Website while nursing my baby and feeding and caring for my children. I love the part about the meaning of the rod, spanking, and obeying. Let me see if I understand this? The rod was not meant to permit a spanking? Rather, the rod is ‘reasoning” or teaching the child truth, grace, love, lessons, by words and actions? If I treat my children with care and respect and teach them rules with firmness and love, this will drive that bounded foolishness that is not controlling them, far from them? But, by my parenting, I will keep that foolishness from them? They will one day choose to obey me (well, I see a lot of that now), but that is their responsibility, not mine to force on them? But, I still need to have rules that they need to follow. But, I need to make up in my mind that I am teaching them how to obey, not forcing an act of obedience.

Example…My son just had a bowl of soup. He said, “All done,” but did not eat his noodles or veggies. I told him that he needs to eat the food given to him (house rule). He said, OK, and finished his soup. Is this the instruction, reasoning that verse describes? Later when he put his dishes in the sink, he threw the bowl and spoon rather hard into the sink. I told him that throwing dishes in the sink is not OK. I took the bowl and spoon out and told him to always put the dishes in gently so they won’t break. He did. I praised him. And he was a giggly little 2yr old. Then, off he ran to play. Is this how GCM do it? I do this all the time.

The whole thing with my anger, or my dissatisfaction with him not obeying (getting out of bed, playing in the bathroom at 5AM (today), whining, etc.) is so difficult to process. I am so used to a Me-against-You attitude with my children. You obey me and if you don’t I will MAKE you…and you’ll like it! Blah.

So, if you wake up to your 2 yr old making a HUGE water mess in the bathroom, what do you do? How do you NOT get angry???

Thank you for being a soft place for me to land….I need A LOT of GRACE!


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Old 02-10-2006, 02:21 PM   #23
erinee
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Default Re: How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM?

Quote:
I need A LOT of GRACE!
We all do, and you've come to the right place to get it. Grace is what we're all about here.

I'll let others who are more eloquent help with your questions, but I just wanted to say welcome, I'm glad your heart is changing, and please give it time. I've heard that when parents stop spanking, the little ones really test to make sure it's "for real." When they know it is, it will get easier.

for you and your family. We'll walk this road with you.
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Old 02-10-2006, 02:21 PM   #24
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Default Re: How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM?

Quote:
I need A LOT of GRACE!
We all do, and you've come to the right place to get it. Grace is what we're all about here.

I'll let others who are more eloquent help with your questions, but I just wanted to say welcome, I'm glad your heart is changing, and please give it time. I've heard that when parents stop spanking, the little ones really test to make sure it's "for real." When they know it is, it will get easier.

for you and your family. We'll walk this road with you.
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Old 02-10-2006, 03:06 PM   #25
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Default Re: How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM?

It sounds like you've got a great start on things, already. I do know that my Pearl following friends seem to really attempt to connect with their dc, more so than the Dobsonites or Ezzo's. The heartstrings are a good idea

But I had to at this
Quote:
So, if you wake up to your 2 yr old making a HUGE water mess in the bathroom, what do you do? How do you NOT get angry???
because I woke up a while back to my 2yo PEEING ON MY HEAD! I did feel angry, truly. But then, I'd never told him not to pee on my head before A water mess or a pee mess in the bathroom would have been much easier to handle

Seriously, I have no problem with a safety gate for a 2yo. We use them with ours, because even though he *knows* he shouldn't go in the bathroom alone, he sometimes lacks the impulse control to make himself stop. It's not catering to him, or spoiling him....it's along the same line as freezing your credit card in a block of ice. It helps remind him to stop and ask for help.
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Old 02-10-2006, 03:06 PM   #26
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Default Re: How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM?

It sounds like you've got a great start on things, already. I do know that my Pearl following friends seem to really attempt to connect with their dc, more so than the Dobsonites or Ezzo's. The heartstrings are a good idea

But I had to at this
Quote:
So, if you wake up to your 2 yr old making a HUGE water mess in the bathroom, what do you do? How do you NOT get angry???
because I woke up a while back to my 2yo PEEING ON MY HEAD! I did feel angry, truly. But then, I'd never told him not to pee on my head before A water mess or a pee mess in the bathroom would have been much easier to handle

Seriously, I have no problem with a safety gate for a 2yo. We use them with ours, because even though he *knows* he shouldn't go in the bathroom alone, he sometimes lacks the impulse control to make himself stop. It's not catering to him, or spoiling him....it's along the same line as freezing your credit card in a block of ice. It helps remind him to stop and ask for help.
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Old 02-10-2006, 03:10 PM   #27
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Default Re: How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM?

The way you go from Pearl to GCM is by focusing on God, not men. Try to remember that it displeases God when we do not obey, just as we are displeased with our children, but God's response is love and grace, not a switch. We just read Mark 7:6-7 the other night where it talks about elevating the precepts of men to the level of doctrine. And grace is for big people, too - have all you need!
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"Truth without love is divisive and hurtful & love without truth is anemic"--Pastor Estep

Arise, cry out in the night...pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord; Lift up your hands to him for the lives of your children..; Lamentations 2:19
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Old 02-10-2006, 03:10 PM   #28
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Default Re: How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM?

The way you go from Pearl to GCM is by focusing on God, not men. Try to remember that it displeases God when we do not obey, just as we are displeased with our children, but God's response is love and grace, not a switch. We just read Mark 7:6-7 the other night where it talks about elevating the precepts of men to the level of doctrine. And grace is for big people, too - have all you need!
__________________
Elizabeth

"Truth without love is divisive and hurtful & love without truth is anemic"--Pastor Estep

Arise, cry out in the night...pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord; Lift up your hands to him for the lives of your children..; Lamentations 2:19
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Old 02-10-2006, 03:25 PM   #29
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Default Re: How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM?



Wow! I just read this from the Possitive Parenting Site about "Get Off Your But Parenting" (I love that title!!)
GOYBP Do’s:
1) Say “it” once. Issue the command, once, and only once.
2) Follow “it” up with related action, moving the child into compliance.

GOYBP Don’ts:
1) Don’t repeat yourself.
2) Don’t tag your commands with “please.”
3) Don’t say your child’s name over and over with an implied threat of punishment.

The "DO's" is totally what I do when I really didn't want to spank my kids. It is OK that I get in there and help my children do the right thing if they won't comply, like taking my sons hand and putting him back to bed. I am still being consistent. I am still expecting them to obey. I am still loving them and not just giving empty threats or begging.

example: My son asked me for help. Well, I heard him "cry/whining in the playroom. So, I went back there, and asked him what he needed? He wanted the Thomas train set put together. I said, "Sure, but the other toys need to be put back. So, he immedieately started to put the other toys away. i praised and helped him, too. He wasn't done yet, and I told him to get the container for the little cars. He didn't obey. He just started to dilly-dally by playing with a car. I didn't say another word. I took him by the hand and led him to the container and I picked it up and put it in his hand. At first, he thought I was leadining him to the "rod of correction" because I felt his body tense up and he whispered a "no, mom." As soon as he realized that there was no spanking, he was so chearful and he went right to the cars and with my help we put them all away. as soon as that was done, he sang a little song, "I put it away, all clean, All done!" How special. How lovely. No drama of the normal spanking and he rejoiced in cleaning!
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Old 02-10-2006, 03:25 PM   #30
butterflymommy
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Default Re: How can I make the switch from the Pearls to GCM?



Wow! I just read this from the Possitive Parenting Site about "Get Off Your But Parenting" (I love that title!!)
GOYBP Do’s:
1) Say “it” once. Issue the command, once, and only once.
2) Follow “it” up with related action, moving the child into compliance.

GOYBP Don’ts:
1) Don’t repeat yourself.
2) Don’t tag your commands with “please.”
3) Don’t say your child’s name over and over with an implied threat of punishment.

The "DO's" is totally what I do when I really didn't want to spank my kids. It is OK that I get in there and help my children do the right thing if they won't comply, like taking my sons hand and putting him back to bed. I am still being consistent. I am still expecting them to obey. I am still loving them and not just giving empty threats or begging.

example: My son asked me for help. Well, I heard him "cry/whining in the playroom. So, I went back there, and asked him what he needed? He wanted the Thomas train set put together. I said, "Sure, but the other toys need to be put back. So, he immedieately started to put the other toys away. i praised and helped him, too. He wasn't done yet, and I told him to get the container for the little cars. He didn't obey. He just started to dilly-dally by playing with a car. I didn't say another word. I took him by the hand and led him to the container and I picked it up and put it in his hand. At first, he thought I was leadining him to the "rod of correction" because I felt his body tense up and he whispered a "no, mom." As soon as he realized that there was no spanking, he was so chearful and he went right to the cars and with my help we put them all away. as soon as that was done, he sang a little song, "I put it away, all clean, All done!" How special. How lovely. No drama of the normal spanking and he rejoiced in cleaning!
  Reply With Quote
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  • ./global.php
  • ./includes/init.php
  • ./includes/class_core.php
  • ./includes/config.php
  • ./includes/functions.php
  • ./includes/class_hook.php
  • ./includes/functions_notice.php
  • ./mobiquo/smartbanner.php
  • ./mobiquo/include/classTTConnection.php
  • ./mobiquo/smartbanner/head.inc.php
  • ./includes/functions_bigthree.php
  • ./includes/class_postbit.php
  • ./includes/class_bbcode.php
  • ./includes/functions_reputation.php
  • ./includes/adminfunctions_template.php
  • ./includes/functions_misc.php
  • ./includes/functions_post_thanks.php
  • ./includes/functions_post_groan.php 

Hooks Called:
  • init_startup
  • cache_permissions
  • fetch_threadinfo_query
  • fetch_threadinfo
  • fetch_foruminfo
  • style_fetch
  • cache_templates
  • global_start
  • parse_templates
  • fetch_musername
  • notices_check_start
  • global_setup_complete
  • showthread_start
  • template_groups
  • template_safe_functions
  • template_compile
  • showthread_getinfo
  • forumjump
  • showthread_post_start
  • showthread_query_postids
  • showthread_query
  • bbcode_fetch_tags
  • bbcode_create
  • showthread_postbit_create
  • postbit_factory
  • postbit_display_start
  • post_thanks_function_post_thanks_off_start
  • post_thanks_function_post_thanks_off_end
  • post_thanks_function_fetch_thanks_start
  • post_thanks_function_fetch_thanks_end
  • post_thanks_function_thanked_already_start
  • post_thanks_function_thanked_already_end
  • post_groan_function_post_groan_off_start
  • post_groan_function_post_groan_off_end
  • post_groan_function_fetch_groans_start
  • post_groan_function_fetch_groans_end
  • post_groan_function_groaned_already_start
  • post_groan_function_groaned_already_end
  • reputation_image
  • bbcode_parse_start
  • postbit_imicons
  • bbcode_parse_complete_precache
  • bbcode_parse_complete
  • postbit_display_complete
  • error_fetch
  • pagenav_page
  • pagenav_complete
  • tag_fetchbit_complete
  • forumrules
  • showthread_bookmarkbit
  • navbits
  • navbits_complete
  • showthread_complete