Anxiety Disorder - 20 mo, Ezzo bubs

Hi. Just looked after a 20 month old bubs for the morning and had the most horrible time of it. He's familiar with me and my son, but whenever seperated form his mother he goes into hysterics - deep sobbing where he can hardly breathe...even if she walks out of the room; or sees or hears a door close. I've looked after him in church creche and he's been the same - sobbing uncontrollably (sometimes long after the tears have dried up) for up to an hour. The only thing that seems to work is holding him against me in semi feotal position and rocking him. If any of the other kids come near him (as will often happen, they try to bring him toys to cheer him up the little dears), he will scream and flinch away from their touch.

I've talked to the mum on several occasions and she can't get past the idea that her child is manipulating her and that only tough love will bring him about ('if I bring him into church with me once, he'll always want to..' etc). In the last few weeks, I've arranged to be there in the creche so I can be with him, and teach the other women how to calm him. It's just so heartbreaking, as the times when we've brought the mum in from church, she's behaved so rejectingly - called him a sook, disobedient, pushed him away, even threatened him that it's been a better choice NOT to bring her in. In 5 *minutes* of being here this morning, she put the kid down 5 times; that's in public, in front of me, my child and her other children! I told her directly that rejecting him will only make him more needy, but she turned it around - 'He has to learn *not* to be needy'

Finally after 3 hours of being here this morning, on my lap most of the time - he looked me in the eye and smiled. But when mum came in, he was miserable again - she didn't even say hello or acknowledge him I've said explicitly to this mum that rejecting her child when he's so genuinely upset will only make him more desperate for her attention. I've voiced my concerns about Ezzo very directly, but her 'other children are fine' (actually they're not - the son is impulsive, aggresive and lacks empathy towards other children, the daughter is sneaky, flirtatious with men, at the same time neurotic and fearful - and *both* are excepionally disobedient when their parents are not around) and she believes that as her children are older than mine, that she is the 'older (wise) woman' in the situation.

After being brushed off, or having my advice backfire by her reacting punitively towards her little boy as 'it's his fault' (and I suspect such rejecting repercussions for days) I tried the indirect approach - offering to look after him (hence him being here this morning), praising him up, talking about how 'sweet' it is that he loves cuddles so much etc. (she's commented that a lot of people have said this to her recently :/ ), so her I lent her the '5 Love Languages for Children' in the hopes she might identify his having a physical touch love language - and it states explicitly that rejecting a child's advances for affection are detrimental (and can cause sexual ambivalence later in life when it's a mother rejecting her son). My dh is beginning to catch up with her husband before Bible studies, I really need your prayers to help press home to my dh how urgent this is; I don't want to "tell" my husband to talk to hers, iykwim, but I know that if my dh was here today he would have been as heartbroken as I am. I just don't know what to do, because the more people tell them something's wrong, the more reactive they get - and undoubtedly they're getting more punitive advice from their Ezzo circle. I just can't see it getting any better unless some seriously dramatic change happens in the way they view their child, iykwim.

Anyhow, thanks for listening to me

[UltraMother]

[Embracing Grace]

My heart hurts for this poor little boy! How unbelievably sad!

[arymanth]

I went through a similar situation when my son was that age and we attended an "Ezzofied" church. He was always a very "sensitive/clingy" child, and this always irritated me... I had never had a child like that before. We moved him out of the family bed at a year, but it was traumatic for everyone. I weaned him at a year (I thought that is what you were supposed to do!) but it was difficult for him. He just didn't respond to change well, and I really didn't know how to deal with him. Like the lady you mentioned, the only thing I had ever been taught about kids like this was that they needed "tough love" or they would turn into whiny brats.

At church he would always cry when I dropped him off, but the workers assured me that he was doing "just fine" in the nursery and to just leave him and let them deal with him. I just happened to be walking by one morning and someone was coming out of his classroom... and there was my son laying on the floor next to the door.... sobbing. Apparently they considered this "progress" since he wasn't actively crying, just quietly sobbing. I was horrified, but I finally understood why he had been so incredibly clingly ever since he started going to his "big boy class", (I volunteered in the infant nursery until he was too old to be there) and would not even let me out of his sight at home. It got to the point that he would start crying as soon as we pulled into the church parking lot. That, among other things, was one of the reasons we left that church.

I can tell this woman from personal experience that what she is doing is not only going to make her child MORE clingy, but that it can set him up to be a clingy, insecure child in the long term. My son will be 9 in a few weeks, and he STILL has issues that relate back to that period of his life. God MADE HIM to be sensitive... it will be a POSITIVE trait when grows up. It is WRONG to try to squelch his God-given personality to make him more convenient to deal with now. As far as learning "not to be needy"... that's like taking a child with a high metabolism who needs to eat frequently and forcing him to EAT LESS so he can "learn not to be hungry". It is backward thinking and it will cause major problems in her child if she does not stop it NOW!

I really wish I could talk to her myself.... it breaks my heart to see how I have damaged my own child by ignoring the way God made him and trying to make him like his brothers who are naturally outgoing and independant. This is definitely going to come back to bite her in the behind if she doesn't change what she's doing. She will be in my prayers.

[Aerynne]

She needs to see AP in action or something. That poor little boy.

[katiekind]

I'm so sorry. I had one like that in the church nursery when my husband and I were working in there. Every week his mother would say, "he'll be a little upset, we're taking his bottle away this week." "He'll be a little upset, we left him with his grandma over the weekend." "He'll be a little upset, I had him in daycare full time this week so I could get a break." Yeah, he was a little upset, all right. We worked the nursery for 6 months so as to give him continuity there. It wasn't just him--all the kids benefited, but he was definitely the tipping point in our decision to take the nursery again after our three months were up.

When we had him again in class six months later he had progressed from being this heartbroken little guy to being the kid that would break toys when your back was turned. When we had him again six months later, his parents had him in therapy.

I don't know what we can do, once we've done what we can.

[Radosny Matka]

Sorry - it's been a while since I posted, I just wanted to say how much I appreciated your replies. I've not seen much of this family for the last fortnight cos I've been working (moonlighting markign exams), but I'll keep you all updated. Stephanie - thanks especially for telling your story...praise the lord for this wonderful change the Lord brought to your family! Your story has really spurred me on

[Blue Aurora]

I feel so sad for this little boy. We were visiting a church last sunday and I went to check out the nursery with my 18 month old. There was one little boy in there who was just like you're describing. The whole time he lay crying on this one worker and if he wasn't loudly crying he was doing the silent sobbing with his eyes closed frantically sucking his paci. I would say he was close to 20 months old. I have no idea how the mom or parents treat him since I didn't see that but the worker holding him said he was like that every week and he was "learning how to adjust" He would also start actively crying again every time another child approached him. It was so very sad.

[arymanth]

Stephanie - thanks especially for telling your story...praise the lord for this wonderful change the Lord brought to your family! Your story has really spurred me on

I forgot to tell "the rest of the story". After my "velcro boy", I was blessed with "Princess High Needs". She HAD to be held CONSTANTLY or she would start screaming hysterically. (and I thought my son was clingy!!!) She wouldn't even let anyone else LOOK at her without freaking out. I was going to a new church at the time, and the pastor's wife kept "encouraging" me to leave her in the nursery so she could "learn to separate from me" and so I could "be fed in the service without being distracted". I knew enough by that time to stand my ground. I told her I would either keep Ivy in service with me (as long as she was quiet) or I would volunteer to work in the nursery, but those were the only two options I was willing to consider. I did end up working in the nursery, and I got a lot of negative/condescending comments from her and a few of the other moms, but I ignored them. I was NOT going to make the same mistake twice. Fast forward to the present, I have an EXTREMELY independant 6yo who totally outgrew the whole "clingy" thing on her own. (in fact, my biggest problem now is trying to convince her to tell me where she's going before she takes off to visit her friends! LOL)

GBD DOES make a difference, and it DOES work with "high needs" kids. (and you CAN teach an old mom new tricks! )

[TulipMama]

My heart is breaking at this. *siiigh* Thank you for giving to this little one.

It makes me so sad to see mamas who really do love their children, really do want the best for them, buying into harmful thinking patterns--which lead to actions that are harming their children. And all the while thinking they are doing what is "best."

Forgot to say that I had bad morning sickies on Sunday, so dh and ds went to church by themselves (very cute). Anyhow, when I drop ds off in creche I stay during the announcements to make sure he feels ok with me leaving and come back during the last song so that he doesn't have to look for me amidst a throng and I can make sure he has a snack. So, dh did the same. Well, he *SAW* what I mean - the little 20 mo I was talking about was hysterical when he left and when he returned. He hopes to say something to the bub's dad when he catches up with him this week - pray that he'll have the right words and a natural opportunity will come up, as my dh is very non confrontational.

On a side note I want to commend you moms who have mentioned reaching out to these children! To do extra duty and arrange your schedules to benefit a child not your own is admirable. Thank you for your generous, tender hearts!