Being firm... (JoAnne?)

[BHope]

I was looking through JoAnne's new site and I ran across this article on being firm. It really struck a chord with me and I was wanting some insight.

My eldest responds better to consistent and firm boundaries. Giving her choices sometimes works, but often results in long drawn out negotiations or creative attempts to stall. I read this and I see my eldest. It's as though it was written about her:

For these children, gentle transitions make things worse. Explanation makes things worse. “Reasoning” makes things worse. These children react with passion when offered “the blue toothbrush or the red one”. They begin to meltdown when given a “5 minute warning for leaving”. Parents often think the reaction is the limit rather than the delivery. With children who require stern, hard parenting, it’s not the brushing the teeth that’s the issue. It’s the presence of a choice. It’s not leaving the park. It’s that “later” is too nebulous.

So anyway here's my question: How do you do firm with one child who craves and needs firmness and be not-firm with your next child who finds "firm" to be too much?

For example: DD1 almost flourishes under very black and white guidelines. She does better when I tell her to do something "now." She doesn't enterpret playful direction as real direction, and I learned ages ago to not say "please" when telling her to do something without her enterpretting that to mean she has options.

My middle child, DD2, on the other hand, is a sensitive soul. If you look at her cross she is deeply affected. As a shy child, she is very attuned to "like" vs. "dislike" and will 100% of the time enterpret "stern" with "I'm not liked."

I am trying to approach each child as they need to be parented. Unfortunately, sometimes the distinctly different approaches are seen by others as inconsistent and unfair.

An example would be that bedtime is 8:00 p.m. DD1 needs a good half an hour of pre-sleep cool down in her room before she will go to bed. As a result I have her in bed by 7:30. Knowing that she will not fall asleep until after 8:00. She's allowed to read her book, or play with her dolls. But she has to stay in bed. DD2, on the other hand, will fall asleep at the drop of a hat. From 7:30 until 8:00 she is allowed to sit with me while I get the babies ready for bed. More than once someone has noticed that the younger child gets to "stay up later."

The truth is both girls go to sleep at 8:00. It's just that my eldest NEEDS that down time or she will be up much later.

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone had any insight in balancing the different approaches. And maybe a script to tell people who notice (percieved) inconsistencies.

[poleidopy]

[Katigre]

[ArmsOfLove]

I would give them instructions and speak to them about transitions at different times. My oldest, with autism, NEEDS the firmness Joanne speaks of. He always has. My dd is a free spirit. I've explained to all my children that I parent *them* as they need and that makes it fair--if I parented each of them the same then I wouldn't be parenting them equally. They get that

[MarynMunchkins]

Originally Posted by ArmsOfLove

I would give them instructions and speak to them about transitions at different times. My oldest, with autism, NEEDS the firmness Joanne speaks of. He always has. My dd is a free spirit. I've explained to all my children that I parent *them* as they need and that makes it fair--if I parented each of them the same then I wouldn't be parenting them equally. They get that

This. And it's what you tell people who comment too - you parent each child, not an arbitrary standard.

[TraceMama]

Originally Posted by MarynMunchkins

This. And it's what you tell people who comment too - you parent each child, not an arbitrary standard.

And, then, if tha'ts not enough, just pass the bean dip!

ETA: This was not intended to be flippant. I'm sorry if it came off that way. I was responding to the "others" and what they might think about you parenting your children differently. It's like many other instances of practicing AP and GBD and needing to draw a boundary for what those "others" are allowed to comment on. What the OP described as a bedtime routine sounds ideal and like the needs of both her children are being met while respecting their individual differences.

[mamahammer]

My kids all need different things. My first has autism and has to be parented very differently than my second - who is about as spirited and free as they come! They have yet to call me on the discrepancies, but when other's do, I just say something like, "All of my kids are unique and I do my best to treat them as such."

[Aisling]

My first dd needs firm instructions and constant supervision. My second needs lots of hands on walking through, and minimal verbal firmness...it absolutely crushes her, and after a very firm word, no teaching can happen after that. I like what Crystal said about individuals needing different parenting.

[BHope]

Do you think that kids notice? I mean now, at these ages. Do you think they can see the difference? I know when I was older (older than DD1 is now) I felt like my younger sister got away with everything. (Okay, I'm pretty sure she STILL does. lol.) But what about "fairness" between siblings? And does it matter? It's never come up between DD1 and I. (Just between other people and myself.) But I'm curious how I would handle that. And how others have talked to their "firm-needing" child about any differences in parenting.

[RooMama]

Awesome article from Joanne. I also read it yesterday.

[4MKfam]

Originally Posted by RooMama

Awesome article from Joanne. I also read it yesterday.

That article saved me from giving up entirely on GBD and AP . I read it quite a while ago, when I was having issues with my then-3 1/2 year old oldest daughter. She's the sort that really needs firm, consistent, explicit boundaries, or we have serious problems.

[poleidopy]

Originally Posted by gentlebirth

My first dd needs firm instructions and constant supervision. My second needs lots of hands on walking through, and minimal verbal firmness...it absolutely crushes her, and after a very firm word, no teaching can happen after that. I like what Crystal said about individuals needing different parenting.

Ashley - I just think it's so funny that my boys are *exactly* like your girls. I could have written those very words about mine - the firm boundaries and ***CONSTANT*** ( and I mean constant!) supervision for DS#1 and then ds #2 is like jello, I have to be so very careful with my tone and how I word things or he just melts to pieces.

B Hope - bedtime here sounds exactly the same way. Unfortunately we don't have room for them to have their own rooms yet, so since we're still co-sleeping I end up lying in bed as DS#2 falls asleep immediately and DS#1 fidgets and daydreams and thinks deep thoughts and whatever he does in that wild brain of his until finally he falls asleep. Usually about the time I *think * he is asleep he suddenly pipes up with some question like "How does God brush his teeth?"

The few times I have treated both my boys the same, I could just *feel* how unfair it seemed. It was like punishing them both or something. But as I adjust my parenting to fit each of their needs, not only does life go more smoothly, but I can feel in my heart that it's right.

[BornFreeBaby]

Originally Posted by B Hope

Do you think that kids notice? I mean now, at these ages. Do you think they can see the difference? I know when I was older (older than DD1 is now) I felt like my younger sister got away with everything. (Okay, I'm pretty sure she STILL does. lol.) But what about "fairness" between siblings? And does it matter? It's never come up between DD1 and I. (Just between other people and myself.) But I'm curious how I would handle that. And how others have talked to their "firm-needing" child about any differences in parenting.

Parenting 'fair' is not giving each child whta they need. When everyone gets what they *need* then thats all that matters.

[BornFreeBaby]

I also wanted to mention that your child may not notice that its a *privilege* to stay up late, until you treat it that way and feel sorry for him, or reward him for doing something 'extra' special by going to sleep early. He wants to know that what he is doing is perfectly fine and normal. Why shouldn't going to bed early be a wonderful thing in which you are providing for his needs?

Many times, when DH gets home I lay down with dd2 while dd1 stays awake with her daddy. Is one getting better or less fair treatment? You could argue that I am spending more time with my little one by laying with her, therefore she is getting the 'better deal', not to mention her needs met.