Is Dobson better with older kids (tween & up)?

[CelticJourney]

Originally Posted by J3K

I'd still recommend Crystal's book over Dobson's any day of the week. And Joanne's website GOYB , and Hermana Linda's too....

Without a doubt. I was only comparing him to his 'classmates'.

[Sparrow]

Originally Posted by CelticJourney

The one thing I would say about Dobson is this: Compared to the other punitive authors (Ezzo, Pearl and Tripp), he is the one I see as most likely to at least listen to a different message. I think if we put him across a table from Crystal for a couple of hours of conversation (toss in a nice dessert and coffee to soften him up), he would come away from the experience changed to some degree. His approach seems to be behavior modification first, theology second - simply challenging that flaw could be life changing for him. The other three, I couldn't foresee open hearts or minds.

Absolutely. He doesn't have the same arrogance. I also don't sense the same spiritual ickiness I do with Pearl, or divisiveness of Ezzo

[MaiMama]

There's a program at the local pregnancy centers where moms can watch parenting videos for credit to a resale shop. It's the main source of clothing for my kids. I've watched virtually all the other ones and now I'm down to Dobson's Bringing Up Boys. I do my best to "la la la" through the junk.

The session I saw this week was about how boys are at risk because they have wounded hearts (from bullying, the break-down of the family, body image issues, etc). There really wasn't anything offensive in this one, but that may be because he's going to build on it later.

One thing I was really surprised to hear him say is that he's not particularly anti-masturbation. He said that it was [helpful? powerful? don't remember] that his dad sat him down before puberty kicked in, explained everything, and said he'd rather he not get hooked on it, but if he did partake in masturbation, he didn't believe that said anything negative about his relationship with God. I was surprised. I wonder if this is a "hill" as well: self-pleasure is okay, so I can save up to fight in case porn becomes an issue, maybe?

Anyway, that was just a nugget that I was surprised to hear from them . I don't know if he holds the same opinion for girls or not. My folks were influenced by Dobson, and they definitely didn't tell me to have at it, so I don't know if he thinks we're too delicate flowers or not. I do know Brio magazine discouraged dancing and 90210, but I'm fuzzy about the rest.

[Llee]

Originally Posted by shaslove

I will say he wrote a book geared for college students that I found really helpful

Ah ha! That's the one I read and thought was good.

[ReedleBeetle]

It seems like, through out the church, parents/churches are much more ok addressing masturbation for their boys (and not acting like it is the greatest sin alive) but for girls...nope...shameful. What is up with that?

[Sparrow]

IME people also are clueless that masturbation actually occurs with girls.

[Thankfulforgrace]

He is not clueless that girls masturbate, he basically says that if a girl even thinks of touching that area in that way, she is evil, dirty and Jesus is ashamed. Granted this is his stuff from over 10 years ago so maybe he's had a change of heart? I'm surprised he's not so anti for boys.

[J3K]

Well...it's manly for boys to show an interest in sex. It's sl*tty and dirty for a girl to show the same interest.

The classic double standard.

[Heather Micaela]

Originally Posted by J3K

Your relationship with your child isn't a battlefield. There are no 'battles' to Dobson still advocates an us vs them home. A home in which parents don't admit to being wrong , every little action from the tween/teen is seen as something to get your goat and a battle to be ignored (saved for the bigger battle) or won thru unfair arbitrary punitive methods.

It's so much better to see each new thing as an opportunity to get closer to your child , not as a battlefield.

Originally Posted by CelticJourney

Please remember that what a parent does with a teaching is not the same as the teaching - hopefully that's not clear as mud Yes, Dobson is adversarial, but no where near the extreme of Ezzo or Pearl.

I am sure there is no where that Dobson would indicate that a disagreement over clothing choice is a reason for war, only that when the 'battle is engaged, the parent must win'.

I know this has been answered already but I just wanted to agree. I read a lot of dobson. His practical advice is ok sometimes, it is the attitude behind it that is my biggest issue. The hardest thing for me wasn't not spanking or not punishing, it was realizing my kids were not bent on defying me. So any practical advice is negated by this overarching feel.

[J3K]

The hardest thing for me wasn't not spanking or not punishing, it was realizing my kids were not bent on defying me. So any practical advice is negated by this overarching feel.

This.
Dobson puts across the notion that kids being showing age-expected behavior are doing it specifically to annoy / defy / disobey the parent. The child/tween/teen has a rebellious heart and mal-intent in everything they do.
That was a hard hurdle for me to get over too.

I know it feels that sometimes the kids are "out to get us" , especially after a long day. But the reality is they aren't "doing it" to get back at us , to rise above us and attempt to control us... they are doing whatever it is they are doing because they are kids.

I'm also bothered by the idea that parents aren't ever supposed to appear weak. Even if that means not apologizing. The face of authority is always at risk of cracking , and that's a tough thing to keep up.

Dobson is most certainly on my list of "don't read , don't recommend".

[Sparrow]

It guess that's why my mom, no matter how bad she appeared to feel over stuff that went down, never apologized.

[MomtoJGJ]

I've always thought teens were way too self centered to be out to get a parent on a regular basis... I mean... why in the world would you be out to get someone weaker and dumber than you are?

and not apologizing to a teen... isn't that like... making more issues? From what I've seen and what I remember that would have made adults less authoritative and more stupid.

[StoryOfGrace]

Originally Posted by MomtoJGJ

I've always thought teens were way too self centered to be out to get a parent on a regular basis... I mean... why in the world would you be out to get someone weaker and dumber than you are?

and not apologizing to a teen... isn't that like... making more issues? From what I've seen and what I remember that would have made adults less authoritative and more stupid.

My father was always really good about apologizing when he blew his top, or was wrong about something. It always made me respect him more, and it strengthened our relationship. My mother never apologized...guess which of the two I had a better relationship with? But of course, that might have been due in part to having the typical mother/daughter relationship too!

Seriously though, it takes more strength of character to say "I'm sorry" then it does to just pretend you didn't blow it!

[MaiMama]

So does he really actually say not to admit mistakes? Or just to win arguments? It seems like those are two different (though still negative) things.

I'm spinning elsewhere on this issue.