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Unprepared for Parenting (Ezzos, Pearls, Etc.) *Public* Support and information for those affected by the Ezzos, the Pearls, and other punitive and adversarial methods of child-rearing. A public forum. Before posting here, please read this sticky and keep guideline 23 in mind:
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06-17-2011, 11:58 AM | #46 | ||
Rose Garden
Join Date: Dec 2010
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Re: Spanking "works"
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Rita s IstJ Wife to my brilliant geek James iNtJ since 4/08 Mom to our angel boy Jay 5/08 our quirky miracle DD Ivy 6/10 mellow miracle DS Jacob 7/15 Often Please forgive my frequent typos Standing firmly on Team Lioness!!! Roar!!! I am ready for people to know I am a GCM find me on Facebook |
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06-17-2011, 07:40 PM | #47 | |
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~I choose joy~
Join Date: May 2011
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Re: Spanking "works"
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06-17-2011, 07:52 PM | #48 |
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Re: Spanking "works"
Spanking is hitting your children. The simple fact is if you did to an adult what is done to children in the name of spanking, you would be arrested. Since I think children should enjoy MORE protection than adults, I find it wrong. I have issues with children being spanked, period.
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06-17-2011, 08:16 PM | #49 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 8,764
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Re: Spanking "works"
I have to say, I too, have serious issues with spanking. It is not okay to hit an adult. It is not okay to touch an (unconsenting) adult on their rear end, it's molestation. But we can combine those things for children?
No. I don't think so. If my husband spanked, we'd wind up divorced because I could *not* respect a grown man who hurts little children. There was an incident awhile back, shortly after DH's return from overseas, when he was standing over DS, ordering him to clean up and scaring the wits out of the two year old. I flipped. He retreated and apologized to us both the next day. I'm still a bit growly when i remember it.
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06-17-2011, 08:35 PM | #50 |
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Location: The South
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Re: Spanking "works"
This thread may have some of the best "one liners" ever.
I don't have much to add, but great thread!! Being 6 years into this GBD parenting thing... I can say that I am overall very happy with my choice NOT to hit my children. I can't imagine hitting them would bring anything better/good to my relationship with them our my parenting.
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06-17-2011, 08:58 PM | #51 | |
Rose Garden
Bar/Bat Mitzvah picture with husband Michael.
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Within sight and earshot of the Disneyland fireworks
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Re: Spanking "works"
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And they call spanking not hitting because they hate to think of it that way. All hitting is not spanking but all spanking IS hitting. I will say that even since using a grace based paradigmn there had been times when my children had been hit (Fight or flight when one injured me). But it was followed by apology, making amends, and an admission that HITTING IS WRONG. I am not sure how I could say that in one situation and then turn around and do it in a calculated and methodical way later.
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Heather ESFJ T4 Messianic Joshua-13 Christina- 11 Amalia Linda-8.5 Trinity-7 Gabriel-5 w/ADHD, ASD & Dyslexia Taylor Jordan11/15/04 SkyeDakota10/12/05 Life is a pile of good things & bad things The good things don't always soften the bad things but the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things |
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06-18-2011, 12:52 AM | #52 |
Rose Trellis
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 3,362
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Re: Spanking "works"
The way it's supposed to work is that the parent catches the child misbehaving, applies the spanking, and the parent no longer catches the child misbehaving.
Actually, it usually does work that way. And that is the problem. Spanking teaches children not to get caught. Pain, to a small child, is a monster that comes roaring in and derails the way things are supposed to be. What does it matter whether the pain monster is there because you fell on your knees on the sidewalk or because your mother hit you on your bottom? Pain is pain. The first priority is getting the pain monster to go away. Note that issues of right and wrong are not part of this description. Pain tends to drown out thinking. Child training systems that require children to perform variations on kissing the rod, or the old prep school ritual of "Thank you may I have another," simply connect the pain monster more closely with the authority figure. Child training systems that call for continual display of the instrument of pain reinforce the knowledge that the parent can summon the pain monster at any time. Child training systems that recommend creating situations that call for letting the pain monster loose are the worst of all IMO. They are sadistic. I mean the clinical meaning of that word. Faced with the pain monster, most children learn to sneak. They learn a set of behaviors that keep the pain monster asleep in its den, and when the pain monster isn't around, they are free. This is a lousy foundation for adult morality. Children who are beginning to struggle consciously with issues of right and wrong may accept that the pain monster is their rightful master and try hard to please it. Others may feel wronged and struggle against it, perhaps losing their way in their anger and grief. Others spend years on the razor's edge between the natural love of the parents and the hatred and fear engendered by the pain monster. Pain and love, love and power, pain and power, resentment and love, fear and love . . . it's a mess. Pain drowns out thinking. Methodical, continual application of pain as outlined in child training systems teaches nothing useful.
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Wife to John, December 18, 1999 ~ Mother to Sophia, March 13, 2004 ~ Mother to Eva, June 10, 2006 ~ Mother to Matthew, December 21, 2009 ~ Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will lift me up. |
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06-18-2011, 04:20 AM | #53 | |
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Re: Spanking "works"
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06-18-2011, 04:58 AM | #54 |
Rose Trellis
"What if Your blessings come through raindrops? What if Your healing comes through tears?"
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Location: southwest VA
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Re: Spanking "works"
Spanking "worked" on me. I was a "good" kid. Except for fights with my sister (which is a whole other topic) I was well-behaved and a great student. I was a "good girl" from a "good Christian home."
I also learned a very important lesson: LOVE = PAIN. If someone loves you, they will hurt you. However, if you learn all the rules and work hard at obeying them, you can lesson the pain somewhat. And since God IS love, then it stands to reason that He will hurt you too, but if you obey all His rules you can avoid most of that pain. And then I had a miscarriage, and pretty much lost it on God. I mean, it's one thing to punish me (even if I didn't know what I was being punished for), but to involve my child!? How DARE He!? That was four years ago. It has been a long road, but I have gradually (thanks mostly to GCM ) come to a better understanding of what grace really means (because how can I GBD my kids if I don't understand and accept God's grace in my own life?) I have also spoken some with my parents, have come to understand why they did what they did, and I don't blame them. But yeah, that's how spanking "worked" with me. Oh, and I never told him this, but if DH had ever raised a hand to our kids, he would have been out on the street so fast his head would spin. Fortunately, He is a fully converted non-spanker now--again, thanks to you ladies on GCM
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Christina INTJ, T4 former high school teacher turned homeschool mom married 12 yrs to DH ENFP, T1 currently battling hemeralopia-induced blindness and chronic pain for the 3rd time mama to five: 10.5yo DS (my serious T4) 8yo DD (my sparkly T1) 3.5yo DD (my precious T2) one I will hold in heaven |
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06-18-2011, 05:21 AM | #55 |
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Re: Spanking "works"
Oh Christina, . I had a really skewed view of God's love and grace as well. I wish I had the understanding my whole life I do now. I want to help my children see Him as He truly is.
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06-18-2011, 05:36 AM | #56 |
Rose Garden
Don't mind my faces. They usually don't mean anything.
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Virginia
Posts: 8,644
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Re: Spanking "works"
The idea of stepping in and physically preventing your kids from being spanked is a really good one.
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Christine WAHM as writer/editor; part-time high school teacher; wife to pharmacist DH since 7.31.2010 Lila in heaven, 8/2015 DD1 "KO" born 8/2017 DD2 GIRL born 1/2020 |
06-18-2011, 05:55 AM | #57 |
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Re: Spanking "works"
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06-18-2011, 06:42 AM | #58 | |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Northern Virginia
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Re: Spanking "works"
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Rita s IstJ Wife to my brilliant geek James iNtJ since 4/08 Mom to our angel boy Jay 5/08 our quirky miracle DD Ivy 6/10 mellow miracle DS Jacob 7/15 Often Please forgive my frequent typos Standing firmly on Team Lioness!!! Roar!!! I am ready for people to know I am a GCM find me on Facebook |
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06-18-2011, 07:31 AM | #59 |
Rose Garden
a little Attachment Parenting will fix that
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,981
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Re: Spanking "works"
but back again to this : spanking is not "hitting" its Biblical discipline. my DH still says this.
he's a great guy..but. he thinks you spank for "unwanted behavior" oh my goodness..have you seen the number of kids we have and their ages?? i feel like i work double time on the weekends to swoop in and head off every.issue. before it gets on his nerves ( i do a pretty good job though). im coming to dread weekends. he has been trying with me for almost a year to not spank..but he's not really on board, so wont really try to gain any further understanding about whats normal and so on.. so he's just frusterated that our house is loud, and hectic and people cry and bicker with each other. he even said that he would spank the kids for following him around ( if he already told them to stop) anyway. sorry to buny trail with my own problem.
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Gently mothering 5 babes one day at a time, only by the help of my Lord - ages 11,6,5, 4, & 2 Nonviolence is not sterile passivity, but a powerful moral force which makes for social transformation.ISFP Last edited by SweetCaroline; 06-18-2011 at 07:35 AM. |
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06-18-2011, 07:47 AM | #60 | |
Rose Trellis
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Posts: 2,963
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Re: Spanking "works"
Quote:
The other simple fact is that if you did to an adult what is done to children in the name of spanking (if it could be done)... you would find it to be a very useful tool in enforcing behavioural control over adults too. I would sure keep my house more clean if someone was going to come and hit me if they were unsatisfied. With adults, it's obvious that such a set-up it wouldn't be part of a loving healthy relationship. Why isn't it just as obvious about children?
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Everything written here is the musing and mumblings of an ordinary person. Even if I take myself too seriously, there's no reason for any of you to make the same mistake! Pam, 35 yo Christian for 20 y Married for 15 y Mother to "J" 8 yo, and "M" 5 yo INTJ, DYT 4, Canadian 1 more class until I'm done at Seminary Adjunct Faculty at a Bible College |
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