When she yells "Don't look at me!"

DD (5 1/2 years) has a hard time dealing with her emotions and, despite my efforts to try to approach her in a mild manner, she gets extremely upset whenever we confront her about something or when we have to enforce compliance. Any type of confrontation/deviation from the way dd wants things usually ends up with her yelling "No one look at me" and crying and running around trying to hide under/behind things OR refusing to leave a common area but then getting really mad if anyone even looks her direction unintentionally.

Here are some examples:
*DD needs to pick up her toys. I tell her to pick them up, go through a version of the five steps up to the point where I try to help her but then she flips out and says she'll do whatever it is but "no one look at me" complete with the rest of the crazy behavior.
*DD hits her sister and I tell her she needs to do something to apologize (either with words such as "I'm sorry" or "Please forgive me" or with actions like a hug or kiss) but she always refuses any physical contact and will only apologize if the other person (and I) don't look at her. And even then, she is barely audible and she only mumbles with an insincere tone.

I understand she is embarrassed but I don't know how to appropriately deal with her behavior or how to help her deal with her emotions.

Also, just as an FYI... dd absolutely refuses to ever go to her comfort corner or just sit with me to try to calm down. She gets really out of control when I try to have her go to CC or try to bear hug her. I actually posted about that before and in response to the feedback I got, I took her off dairy (a known allergy) but I'm not seeing much improvement.

[PurpleButterfly]

I think this is very normal behavior for that age. My ds did it, too, and now at 6.5 is rarely embarrassed/unsure how to deal with the feelings. Is your dd a bit of a perfectionist like my ds? Sometimes it seemed like he was more frustrated that he couldn't do something "right" than actually embarrassed, but he just didn't know how to process that. I found that seeking library books written about other kids the same age and dealing with the same kind of stuff, was very comforting and reassuring for my son (and me, too, reminding me that it was okay and normal).

The next time your dd heads for a "don't look at me!" meltdown in that kind of situation, try to forget about whatever task you wanted her to accomplish, and just get down on her level with eye contact and genuinely ask if she is okay or would like a hug, or if she just needs a few minutes alone. My ds does not like bear hugs, either, but he does respond to me respectfully, lovingly asking him if he would prefer for me to be there to help him or if he needs a minute to himself.

Besides dairy, other common triggers for us: food dye, sugar, dehydration/not enough plain water, too long between eating, tired....remember the HALT model (is she Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired?)

What a blessed little girl to have her mama so lovingly attentive to her needs.

[MarynMunchkins]

Doug does this a lot. I ignore him for a few minutes or have him go to his room to take a break. (Even if it involves escorting him there. ) I give him as much time as he needs to handle his feelings, and offer a hug every few minutes.

If we're pressed for time, I'll set a timer and tell him he has "this much time" to calm down.

Originally Posted by PurpleButterfly

Is your dd a bit of a perfectionist like my ds?Sometimes it seemed like he was more frustrated that he couldn't do something "right" than actually embarrassed, but he just didn't know how to process that.

I'd like to think that maybe that is the issue (and maybe it is for a few situations) but it's kind of hard to imagine that it's the case for most. For example, today she had dropped a piece of food on the floor and when I told her she needed to pick it up she did the whole "don't look at me" thing (yelling, angry, crying, etc.). There was nothing to do right or wrong; it was too straightforward. I honestly think that in some situations she is just trying to change the focus in hopes that I'll let her off the hook from whatever it is she doesn't want to do.

I really like the ideas you gave me for how to try to help when she is heading for meltdown. I will try to remember. It's so easy to become frustrated and mad but I know I need to change the dynamic. And I really like the way you respond to your son instead of a bear hug (ask if he needs you or wants a moment to himself). I hope that a different approach may show her that I really am on her side, not just trying to be mean. A couple questions about that though -- I'm assuming if dd does need time alone then it would be on the condition that afterwards she still needs to comply? What if she wants time alone but refuses to go to the CC or another room when it wouldn't be reasonable to expect that everyone else in the room would leave so she could be alone? Or what if she decides she is perfectly happy hanging out in her room doing whatever she wants to do in there knowing that as long as she acts like she wants to be alone then I won't make her do whatever it happens to be? OK, I know I sound like I'm assuming she is manipulating the situation and that doesn't sound good but, honestly, sometimes I think she is. Not always, but sometimes.

Besides dairy, other common triggers for us: food dye, sugar, dehydration/not enough plain water, too long between eating, tired....remember the HALT model (is she Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired?)

Thanks for the reminder. I haven't noticed an issue with sugar or food dye but I'll have to pay better attention. I definitely know water and HALT are all triggers for her.

Originally Posted by MarynMunchkins

Doug does this a lot. I ignore him for a few minutes or have him go to his room to take a break. (Even if it involves escorting him there. ) I give him as much time as he needs to handle his feelings, and offer a hug every few minutes.

So *how* do you get him to *stay* in his room to take a break? Honestly, dd will refuse to go to her room (or CC) and when I try to "escort" her, she really flips out. She absolutely will not stay anywhere. If it's her room, she keeps following me out or comes running out as soon as I walk away. I just plain can't get her to stay. Really.. the only time she complies with something like that is if it is my dh yelling at her that she is in "time out" and she knows he will spank her if she doesn't listen. I never call it time out, I just call it something like a "break" or "cool down" or something non-punitive but she won't cooperate with me because I have no leverage with her (I guess that's why??). She won't even cooperate with me when I am offering to sit with her, not just in the situations when I'm trying to get her to be alone.

If we're pressed for time, I'll set a timer and tell him he has "this much time" to calm down.

What happens when he doesn't calm down within the time limit?

I honestly feel like I know a lot of GBD strategies of how people normally might respond in similar situations but they just don't go far enough for me because dd doesn't respond to 5 steps or CC or taking or break or having feelings reflected or cuddling with me or whatever the various tools may be.

[MarynMunchkins]

If he won't stay, I take the other kids into my room, and we lock ourselves in. Doug tends to be violent when he's upset though, so I don't know if you want to pursue that option.

If he can't calm down within a reasonable period, I do whatever I wanted him to do for him and move on. He can't handle it right then, and we have to get moving. It's rare that it happens though - usually giving him permission to scream and be upset for a while is enough to calm him down.

Originally Posted by MarynMunchkins

If he won't stay, I take the other kids into my room, and we lock ourselves in. Doug tends to be violent when he's upset though, so I don't know if you want to pursue that option.

Ah, yes. On occasions when dd is throwing violent fits but won't stay in her room (or anywhere) and won't let me walk away, I have tried this. She kicks and bangs on the door of my room and screams and yells. Should I just let her do that? I'm afraid she'll break the door (or her foot/hand ).

If he can't calm down within a reasonable period, I do whatever I wanted him to do for him and move on. He can't handle it right then, and we have to get moving. It's rare that it happens though - usually giving him permission to scream and be upset for a while is enough to calm him down.

Sorry to drag this out but what do you do if you have to go somewhere in the car and he is still throwing a fit? Do you just have to be late? I'm just asking because this is something we deal with sometimes and, from what you've shared so far, I'm thinking you may have experienced something similar.

[MarynMunchkins]

I let my kids yell. Honestly, especially when he's not stable, interferring with Doug presents a danger to me. I can seriously get hurt. So I leave him alone to calm down. And it's not really a major issue when he is stable. He'll still scream and yell, but has enough sense to stop before he hurts himself.

AFA the car... The only times that's really been an issue for us is going to school. I've done one of two things. I'll either be late, and let him explain to the office why he's late; or I'll just say "I'm getting in the car. You have 2 minutes to be calm and get in." and walk away. One of the two options has always worked for me.