Should I do this? (tonight!)

Last night after I read to ds, things went downhill very fast and it turned out to be the worst night trying to get to bed ev.er. DH is out of the country and he was overtired so... Anyway, I told him if he didn't settle down and stop speaking rudely to me then I wouldn't read to him the next night (tonight). But now I'm all wondering if that is really a good idea. Of course, he's been very well behaved today so it would feel punitive to me. I was at my wits end last night trying to get him to settle. There was crying on both sides. So, follow through or just pretend like I didn't say it. Or talk about it with him?

[Kiara.I]

Talk to him about it, tell him it was wrong to threaten that, and that you will actually read to him.

*Don't* count on him not remembering. We went to the pumpkin patch a year and half ago, in October, when DS was 2 1/2. We heard about it in, I kid you not, June. Eight months later. (We hadn't heard about it in between.) They remember. And if he remembers, and you don't follow through, he'll know that too. So, talk to him about it.

[cindergretta]

Oh my. We are *so* far removed from last night at this point. I don't think he is going to make the correlation. Worse, when you try to explain it, you are setting him up to have a full - scale melt - down tonight that will result in what? No story tomorrow night?

If it were *me,* I'd probably play it by ear. If he seems to have absolutely 0 recollection of last night's "threat," I'd pretend it never happened. Why set myself up for another long night?

for decent replies...

---------- Post added at 05:49 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:48 PM ----------

Originally Posted by Kiara.I

Talk to him about it, tell him it was wrong to threaten that, and that you will actually read to him.

*Don't* count on him not remembering. We went to the pumpkin patch a year and half ago, in October, when DS was 2 1/2. We heard about it in, I kid you not, June. Eight months later. (We hadn't heard about it in between.) They remember. And if he remembers, and you don't follow through, he'll know that too. So, talk to him about it.

My 2 y/o remembers events and fun things, but I have yet to have her "recollect" words, if that makes sense.

[PurpleButterfly]

Follow your heart, mama.

I've never believed in "consistancy" or follow-up of threats made under stress. But I do believe in using those opportunities to consistantly model healthy and honoring relationships. How else will he learn how to communicate empathetically and honestly in an uncomfortable situation?

"I'm sorry I told you I wouldn't read to you last night. I was frustrated but that wasn't the right thing to say. I know you were frustrated and missing Daddy, too. Would you like to snuggle and read with me now?"

What kids and people regardless of age remember isn't so much fact as feeling. Validating him tonight with love and nurturing will teach him that it's okay to be imperfect and help both of you come away with a right feeling and the peace you are seeking.

[cindergretta]

I like PurpleButterfly's answer. Simple and sweet and validating, not to mention totally not reliant on memory!

I would go ahead and read to him. He's not going to connect last night's behaviour with missing tonight's bedtime story. And will likely melt down again. But, I wouldn't just ignore what you said last night, either. He may remember. I would go ahead and talk with him about it so he's not confused. Apologize and explain you shouldn't have threatened. Glad it was a better day today.

Currently, his grandpa is reading to him. I will talk to him about it. He's got a memory like a steel trap. (unlike his mother ) I just didn't know what to do with him. He was hitting, kicking, yelling... Usually if he tries that I send dh in because I won't allow him to hurt me and I tell him so. But obviously, dh is not here. Last night g-pa went in and they talked and he came out and hugged me and told me he was sorry and was asleep in 20 min. Hoping things go well tonight. Thanks ladies.

[bolt.]

You might want to ask dh / gpa what they do (and with what demeanour) so that you can begin to develop an effective strategy for yourself.

On the other hand, if you are at your wit's end, perhaps less damage is done by you simply leaving the room and allowing him to experience his own unpleasant emotionality without you as a target.

How old is he? 2.5 ish? ... I wonder (not as a strategy to jump into, just as a thought process) What would happen if at a certain time (after some nice time in another space) you simply escorted him to his (childproof) room, showed him his bed, pjs and board books, kissed him, and supportively let him figure out what he would like to do with his evening (returning him to his room affectionately and repeatedly). Maybe some soft music... cuddly toys...