Family Gets Your Best or No One Gets the Rest Help?

[jandjmommy]

DS newly 8 has been yelling/disrespectful/hostile on and off for a few weeks. Some of it is likely a result of a very busy schedule (which he is not used to), including upwards of 5 baseball events each week. I'm wondering if he's upset because he isn't *with* the family even though we're present at all of his practices & games.
I don't know how to manage this and I feel like I'm doing it wrong from a GBD perspective.
Example:
Me: [after evening and morning review of our schedule for the day] It's time to start your math.
DS: yells about how he will not do it, I can't make him, I'm so mean, he hates math, etc.
Me: It's time to start your math. You want to go outside right now and you'll have plenty of time for that after math so let's get going on it.
DS: yells again, or says he's sleepy and throws himself onto his bed.
Me: Fine, you're welcome to take a nap or rest. When you get up we'll work on your math.
DS: yells again, escalating negativity.
Me: We have a lot to do today. [baseball] Practice is at 5. We have to leave here at 11 to x, y, and z. I have time now to help you with math, or I have time at 5. You need to call your coach if you choose 5.
DS: yells and starts his math; simmers down after about 20 min and is happy with his progress when he's done.

So that's when he's just yelling. Is that OK? Several times though he's been very disrespectful towards me, not just angry and voicing his opinion of doing [math]. Then it goes like this:

Me: You are being disrespectful. It's ok that you don't feel like doing math but it's not ok to speak to me like that.
DS: sometimes calms down and apologizes, and we're good; sometimes escalates.
Me: You need to stop being disrespectful. If you do not recover you will not go to practice since I can't trust that you won't disrespect/be negative with the coach or your team.
DS: sometimes recovers and we talk about ways to do that; sometimes escalates.
Me: You will not go to practice today. Do you want to call Coach or do you want me to? I texted the coach. You need to apologize to him for missing practice tomorrow at the game.

He missed one Cub Scouts meeting and one baseball practice this way. Then warming up before a game he started being rude to DH and me, and saying negative things to his teammates who were warming up with him. I took him aside as casually as I could to help him save face and told him that I would take him home if he did not recover. He continued, so I told him to go tell his coach that he had to leave. DH then stepped in and gave him another chance, and he recovered well with no further problems.

I don't want to punish him but I do want to require that he respects us and his team/friends/etc. How to follow "family gets your best or no one gets the rest" the right way -- or is that really GBD? Should I just try again and again and again until he recovers or is there a point at which he truly should not put in a situation outside the family where he may negatively affect others?
ETA: DH and I disagree on having him miss activities. DH says he has a responsibility to his team. I say he has a greater responsibility to his family. --?

[Petie]

We don't miss activities, for a couple of reasons.

1. The kids made a commitment to that activity and following through, is in itself self discipline.

2. I paid money for the activity and it will not be wasted.


With that said, other things are optional. For instance, no one says he has to go outside to play with friends, or go to the store with mom where he can help pick things out. So for us, it's the optional things that they miss out on.

In regards to the attitude about doing his work, I would simply say, "OK buddy, no math now, how about grammar instead, then later we can do math." Yes, it's putting it off, but it's giving him that out and then later, you bring it out to work on it. Or, you could say, "hey, we need to do x,y,z for school today, which do you want to do first." He may just be feeling out of control and you need to account for that and give him control where ever you can.

[J3K]

My issue with "Family Gets the Best or No One Get the Rest" is that it leaves no room for "being at home". You have to be on your best manners all the time. And that's wearing. I'm 41 years old. I like knowing I can come home and let my hair down. I can be ME. The sometimes cranky introvert who likes to paint her nails and watch tv. Gearing up to go out is stressful. I do it , I have to , but I don't like it. I get ready , put on my game face and head out the door. I'm polite , I'm sociable, I may be cranky a bit , but I'm for the most part , agreeable.
Then I know I have HOME to come back to. Where I can put on my sweat pants and just chill.

This notion that I have to be "on" while at home , that I must be perfect and behave all the time or my outside friends get taken away....it's odd. And a bit cruel.

Sometimes outside friends (even though I hate getting out) are the only things holding me to sanity. The idea I must be the perfect mother to my kids all week , the perfect wife to my husband before I'm allowed out....it doesn't translate.

Likewise for a child...their outside time may be refreshing. It may be stressful to get there..but that's what family is for. They KNOW you , they make allowances.

To the disrespect : "I hear your frustration , your words are rude. I won't listen to it."

To the scheduling : Here's your calendar. I'll help you if you want , write down what you need done before practices...

And if it looks to be too much on his plate , help him navigate that too.

[jandjmommy]

Originally Posted by J3K

My issue with "Family Gets the Best or No One Get the Rest" is that it leaves no room for "being at home"....

This notion that I have to be "on" while at home , that I must be perfect and behave all the time or my outside friends get taken away....it's odd. And a bit cruel.

Yes -- this is why I'm not sure the "family gets your best..." thing even goes with GBD; I've just seen it a lot on the boards so it's in my head. I absolutely do not require -- or desire! -- forced cheerfulness or "on" behavior. I'd think that he could do better with a break from home except that a few times he has carried his mood with him to activities. That's why I kept him home, not a "you upset me so you can't go" thing.
I think I'll just push through without keeping him home in the future. The end of the crazy schedule is just a couple weeks away anyway
Thanks!

[Petie]

For me, I don't feel that my kids need to be "on" all the time, or cheery all the time. But if they are particularly difficult, as in, screaming, crying, throwing things, etc. Then I don't feel bad about saying they can't go play with their friends. While I can see that this concept could be used punitively very easily, i.e. "oh well, you didn't clean you plate off, you know, family gets your best" I don't feel it inherently does that. For us to put this into place it has to be a series of negative behaviors, fighting with sibs+refusing to do chores+yelling at me+refusing to do school work, that sort of thing. It isn't that they can't be themselves, but I'm sure that if dh came home from work and I started screaming at him, throwing things around, hitting him, and then said, "so where are we going for dinner tonight" he probably wouldn't be in the mood to take me out.

[ArmsOfLove]

Family gets your best or no one gets the rest is most assuredly GBD I developed the discipline style and I came up with the principle But let's make sure you're using it correctly--and I assure you that it leaves PLENTY of room for just being at home. Hanging out lounging and watching tv with your family in your sweats fits perfectly fine with "your best" if you are TREATING everyone with respect. "Your best" isn't about pretending or putting on a show or using the fancy china you only save for visits from the queen

What it does mean is that you don't get to treat your family like garbage and then go to sleepovers and play dates and treat the rest of the world like royalty Plus, ime, if my children can't keep themselves together without falling apart then they are getting sick or overtired or otherwise not able to be successful at other events either.

Here is the article about it http://aolff.org/quick-reference/fee...g-successfully

here's an article about older children and GBD http://aolff.org/grace-based-discipl...and-pull-weeds

One thing that I find myself wondering when I read the OP is if ds is an introvert and if the current schedule might really be overwhelming him. Plus, that level of physical activity is exhausting. Is he getting enough rest and eating enough to sustain this level of physical exertion?

[mamahammer]

Here's where I get stuck -

Sometimes, I am seriously *stuck*. Stuck in my own muck and mire and bad feelings and bad attitude. And for better or worse, stuck in my less-than-stellar treatment of my family.

When that happens, we *have* to get out. Out of the house where everyone can do something that doesn't have to do with me. A change of scenery that breaks the cycle in my brain.

When that happens, my wonderful husband will send me out the door to go have dinner with a friend. A pedicure. Bible study. Whatever.

The thought that, because I'm caught for a couple of hours in a downward spiral with my family (which happens more often than i'd like to admit), I should disallow myself interaction with others is suffocating. Not for anyone else. Just speaking for me.

And one of my children is *just* like that.

It's not that I think the concept is bad, ill-conceived, not grace-based. . I just know that it doesn't work to the betterment of all of my family.

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[teamommy]

Del

[Love_Is_Patient]

Well, for older kids poor behavior (for example at school), or even poor grades, can have the consequence of the child not being allowed (by the school) to participate on the team. So, I think missing sports as a consequence of poor behavior is not at all unreasonable.

[teamommy]

Del

[ArmsOfLove]

Now, what about time lapse? The issues usually happen in the morning and activities are in the evening. If he recovers by the time the activity comes up is it OK to explain to him that as he has recovered I trust that he'll have a great time at the activity? Or is that permissive?
__________________

because it isn't a punishment, the focus needs to be not on restricting things, but on helping the child become equipped with tools for giving family the best. If he pulls himself back together then that's a great thing

And in the together moments focus on tools that will equip him to handle his emotions better, pull himself together, *not* take things out on his family. Maybe he needs to learn to say "I need some alone time" or he needs to tune into his body and feed himself or ask for food when he starts getting hungry. Some children need to be taught when to go to the bathroom. "You feel kind of crazy in your head, right? You feel that feeling in your belly right now. That's your body needing to go pee and you only get one body. God expects you to take are of it. So when you feel like this, take yourself to the bathroom."

And this principle is NOT a stand-alone tool. It only works when it's part of a parenting approach that is equipping the child to be successful