... And I'm the Strict One!

[bliss]

So this is where this came from! It's being attributed to me on FB .

[bolt.]

Ok... Which part is on facebook???

[bliss]

ARGH!!! I can't find it now. It showed up in my feed a few days ago, called "and I'm the strict one...[something about parenting words of wisdom from Bliss]". And I went I didn't say any of that, must be a different bliss from a different board or something. I'm trying to find it, but I can't .

[Amy]

Bolt, thank you so much for your illustrations. I can't tell you how much they've helped me. I had a bad punitive moment with ds1 yesterday before his meds kicked in and I just felt like the worst mom ever. I think reading this thread today is like a lightbulb moment, a reinforcement and encouragement of the things I already knew but slipped out of. So thank you

[Hermana Linda]

Originally Posted by bliss

So this is where this came from! It's being attributed to me on FB .

I had a feeling that I had done that, but I couldn't find where.

---------- Post added at 09:44 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:36 PM ----------

Originally Posted by bliss

ARGH!!! I can't find it now. It showed up in my feed a few days ago, called "and I'm the strict one...[something about parenting words of wisdom from Bliss]". And I went I didn't say any of that, must be a different bliss from a different board or something. I'm trying to find it, but I can't .

Don't look for it anymore, I deleted it and made a new one. I suddenly noticed a few days ago that I had mixed you up in my brain and worried that I had done it in print, but when I checked the post, it was correct and I was like .

[bliss]

That's ok, I still totally like you .

[Hermana Linda]

Originally Posted by bolt.

Ok... Which part is on facebook???

Just a link to the post on Why Not Train A Child.
Posted via Mobile Device

---------- Post added at 07:10 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:08 AM ----------

Originally Posted by bliss

That's ok, I still totally like you .

Posted via Mobile Device

[iwillhope]

wow. this is such new territory for me. Glad I am starting now while my little one is 4 months! I like this teaching skills thing...can someone direct me to the place to learn how to do it for each age and when to start? Maybe that is in gentle discipline? Or is there a step by step guide? or abook?

[Dovenoir]

I wish we had a place to record all these parenting snapshots. Thank you so much for the illustrated examples- AP/GBD are so far outside my original paradigm that I feel like I've just found manna every time I come across something like this

[Hermana Linda]

Originally Posted by iwillhope

wow. this is such new territory for me. Glad I am starting now while my little one is 4 months! I like this teaching skills thing...can someone direct me to the place to learn how to do it for each age and when to start? Maybe that is in gentle discipline? Or is there a step by step guide? or abook?

I don't think we have anything so organized as a list of teaching skills to each age group. There might be one, but I don't have it. All I have is some examples of Gentle Parenting which includes this post.

---------- Post added at 08:13 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:03 PM ----------

We have a list of Gentle Discipline books here which might be helpful.

[bolt.]

wow. this is such new territory for me. Glad I am starting now while my little one is 4 months! I like this teaching skills thing...can someone direct me to the place to learn how to do it for each age and when to start? Maybe that is in gentle discipline? Or is there a step by step guide? or a book?

Just hang out. You don't need a book, you get personalized advice! (Yes there are resources, but advice rocks.)

At 4 months, what you want to be doing is starting the phase of 'discipline' that I call "show and tell" -- it's not a phase where you expect the baby to *do* anything at all. I mean that! And I know it doesn't make sense to say "start discipline" and "the baby doesn't do anything" when you are coming from a punitive mindset.

What "show and tell" means is that you are building the vocabulary for whatever you want him/her to be able to do without thinking twice once s/he is a toddler. You build vocabulary by saying a word and simultaneously doing that thing to the baby.

For example, when you say "Up" as you pick a baby up, that's 'show and tell' -- but of course, "Up" is not an instruction you want your toddler to follow later, so it's not a good example of how 'show and tell' is a good start to good discipline. It's just an example of the way that people naturally know that 'show and tell' is how you teach stuff to babies. It's how they learn. That's why it's the method you choose when you teach everything, including when you teach the vocabulary you want them to grasp for following instructions. It's a game. It's no big deal.

At this stage you have TONS of time. Start by thinking and trying out what words you plan to use as your primary 'words of instruction'. Once you've got them figured out, you need to *stop* using them as ordinary parts of chit-chat and *only* use them when you are going to be 'show and tell'-ing. Your instruction words should be short and sweet. When possible, they should say what 'is happening / what to do' instead of 'what not to do'. Try not to start with more than 6 to 10 instruction words. Select them carefully and always use them identically. (Many of these instruction words are going to sound like dog commands or military drill commands. That's OK... it's basically the same idea.)

This is training for you in pre-GOYB parenting. If you are not going to *do* anything, it's best not to *say* an instruction at all -- otherwise you confuse the child about the instructions that sometimes 'happens' and sometimes nothing happens. It waters down your ability to assert authority by spoken words. You are trying to build the bedrock of discipline which is Mommy's instructions always come true. Emphasis on the *ALWAYS* part -- you are trying to make them accept that 'fact' as a functional part of their scientific model of their universe. It can be hard to backtrack and make that happen for an older child, but it's easy when you start with a baby, beginning with 'show and tell' teaching.

AND I MEAN teaching not training, not 'expecting' -- no consiquences, nothing to interrupt the flow of your loving days of fun with baby. Nothing like that. Just like saying "Up!" when you pick him/her up, try things like...

Saying "Still." (or) "Be still." -- while gently and briefly holding the baby still.

Saying "Hands off." (or) "Open hand." (or) "Release." -- while gently prying little hands off of things, or while hovering little hands where they can't quite reach a thing they would like to grasp.

Saying "Give." (or) "Give to Mama." -- while taking or trading with toys.

Saying "Careful." (or) "Careful <relevant body part>." -- while using the child's body parts in gentle, slow or careful ways.

-- when mobile / crawling --

Saying "Back Away" (or) "Come Away" (or) "Redirect" -- while pulling the baby back from their destination of interest.

{{{Note: if you have a place/location/object where the baby consistently isn't going to be allowed, define that place/location/object clearly, give it a name, then add that to the instruction word, such as, "Come away; fish tank." This is called adding a specifier (which should be consistent) to a known instruction word. You can also use specifiers with above instruction words for example, "Hands off; laptop." Pause after the instruction word so that the baby gets it clearly, the extra word(s) are just for clarity, to help the child assemble the idea that some places/objects/locations are just not worth trying again. Adding which 'body part' to the instruction 'careful' is also a specifier, and so is 'to Mama' or 'to someone else'. The 'instruction word' is the core of what you say.}}}

Saying "Stay with me." -- while physically keeping a baby right near you, lifting them back when they take a single scooch away.

Saying "Stop." -- while physically halting their motion-to-somewhere.

Saying "Come." -- while standing in one place, then going to get the toddler and bringing him/her to the place where you had been standing.

---

I want to be super clear: your baby will *NOT* follow your instructions. Don't expect it. If you can't do this without expecting it, don't do it at all.

This is very simple. Nobody is following instructions but you. You are saying the 'instruction' for the baby's *information* while using the baby's body to demonstrate what the instruction means in bodily-physics. Both you and the baby are simply getting used to the terms and vocabulary. Nothing is expected of the baby. The parent does both the "telling" and the "showing" for the entirety of this very long phase (probably a year). It's an at of kindness, a very long introduction to the theory that 'in this universe Mama's instructions always actually happen'. In my experience, sinking that concept in deeply matters a lot for long-term GBD.

So, pick your favorite 'words of instruction' and start by choosing not to use them in everyday language. Instead, if you are going to do something, just say to the baby what it is you are showing them how to do.