When do you interfere?

[Caecelia]

I met up with a new friend at the library today and her 2.5 yr old and my DD started to play together. It was such a breath of fresh air to be around someone who believes in standing back and let kids interact in their immature, slightly aggressive, not at all polite ways. And it was awesome to see the two of them interact, shove a little, and figure out ways to play together. Thing is, unless I know for sure the other mom is cool with my DD shoving to exert her space, etc., I tend to nervously intervene kind of quickly. I definitely think there is a time and place to sit near by and intervene, and coach my child on polite behavior. But I also believe that as long as no bodily harm is actually being done, that lessons can formulate on their own. I'm afraid the other parents are going to yell at me though if I don't intervene. I feel out the situation, and if I see other parents are clearly not ok with pushing and shoving, I intervene more. (and to reiterate, I always interevene if I think she's being too rough) But I feel like I'm not being true to myself and what I believe, and feel helicopter-y. How do you guys handle things like this?

[Glitterfish]

Gooood question!

[bolt.]

I have "a way I will require my child to behave" -- based in my own idea of what's reasonable, and I enforce it at all times, even when it doesn't matter. That's so that a small child doesn't get confused by different things being allowed/not in various scenarios.

However, the "way I require my child to behave" includes respecting the body of every person, so I intervened at any kind if shoving, snatching, or mild aggression. We basically don't even touch other children without welcome/permission.., and I don't allow mild aggression even in consensual pretend games.

[MegMarch]

My DD is almost always the one being pushed, having toys taken, etc. Her friends have much more ... vim and vigor. I step in and say "Stop." Then I try to give a script DD can use as she gets ready. "She wasn't done yet. When she's done with her turn it will be your turn." Or "She doesn't like being pushed. What problem can we solve?"

In the past month or two, I've found that DD is speaking for herself. Now that she does, I step in more slowly and try to encourage problem solving rather than "you naughty beast, leave my angel alone."

[Caecelia]

So I guess I'm in the minority in the not interfering camp. I mean, Respecting body boundaries, holding a no hitting standard is a part of life over here, as well, amd I do strive to teach and reinforce those ideals consistently, but I also believe that there are aspects of learning the finer details of social interaction that she just needs to figure out on her own. Some of this view for me is born out of the fact that it seems developmentally appropriate for toddlers to be physical in their interactions, and I see a difference between aggression and 'aggression' if that makes any sense. I really have little to no problem with her exerting her boundaries with a little shove to communicate herself. The words are starting to come on board as well, since it's something I work with her on. But every little shove, I just don't see as realistic or beneficial for me to always step in and correct. And I'm ok with another little kid communicating in the same way. If things start to get out of hand, I step in. Or if I had a child who was particularly sensitive, or if she is having a particularly sensitive day, then I help her be assertive. So that's what I'm talking about.


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[Katigre]

Originally Posted by Caecelia

So I guess I'm in the minority in the not interfering camp. I also believe that there are aspects of learning the finer details of social interaction that she just needs to figure out on her own.

I don't believe in letting toddlers navigate social situations with other toddlers on their own, and I stop any physical aggression against others immediately (followed by redirection or "use your words" and modeling what they could say, even with my 15 months old). My friends and I are all very hands on at that stage because that's when patterns of respecting others' body boundaries are being set. It's much more pleasant for everyone if basic "no grabbing/pushing/shoving" manners are enforced by the adults. Some kids are a lot more sensitive to that than others, and feel very intimidated by even minor physical dominance by other kids at that age.

When kids are elementary years is when I step back and let them figure social/friendship situations out with more backseat guidance because by that point they are more rational, have good language skills, good communication patterns, and I've spent five years building into them the ways to be a good friend and kind playmate. That is the best age for practicing independent friendship and social skills without instant input from me (unless something really warrants it like bullying, intentional exclusion of another child, or a physical altercation).

So I don't think we'd play together much because it seems we have very fundamentally different philosophies of how to handle typical toddler behaviors (the physical communication). That's ok - but you should be aware that it may lead to a label of your child as a bully because of your intentional acceptance of the shoving. Most parents feel that shoving/pushing are the same camp as hitting, and don't view it as "natural" behavior not want to stifle but something to be prevented as much as possible. No one's child wants to be shoved around.

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[MegMarch]

I wouldn't mind allowing a little "aggression" if I felt like both kids were on the same wavelength but with my DD it was just her getting overrun

I'm never offended by her pals' behavior, I just want to help my kid have her say too. She used to be so hesitant to speak up and would just step aside and later she'd tell me she didn't like it. I realized she needed me to help her.

[Caecelia]

Okay. This is helpful, and gives me a lot to think about. I tend to err on the side of caution, and interfere more than I am 'comfortable', but it's good to hear it from the other side, so to speak. Perhaps my perspective could use some shifting. Thing is, I can see value in both approaches.

Originally Posted by MegMarch

I wouldn't mind allowing a little "aggression" if I felt like both kids were on the same wavelength

This is, ideally, where I'm coming from, and perhaps that's why the situation worked so well yesterday.

I'm finding this topic is hard for me to navigate.





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[everybody's mother]

I am another that prefers to hang back and see if they figure it out themselves. I will definitely step in if either child is getting upset or dominated, but I don't think it is awful as long as you are watching carefully. I will also correct a pattern of aggressiveness, but not necessarily lunge after every little thing. With some kids it helps them be more comfortable with physicality, because it's not a big deal. I do take immediate steps, though, if anyone seems intimidated or bothered. It really depends on the kid, and I am much quicker to interfere in defense of the playmate. I don't know someone else's child's tolerance as well as my own child's.

[sweetpeasmommy]

Up til about 6 zero aggression is tolerated and I always intervened. Over 6 and boys play rough and everyone is having fun? Fine. One must also learn to recognize when that's not the case both parent and child. Never with a little though.


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[tazmom]

For me, it depends on a bunch of factors. Generally at 15 mo, I was right there directing the kids with my first two children.

My oldest didn't hit or shove. She talked early and well so I focused on giving her lots of scripts and enforcing rules about sharing etc.

My middle was a late talker and would let other kids walk all over her until she snapped and then she would attack them. It was better to keep everyone playing nicely to prevent anyone from getting hurt.

My youngest is super independant, enforced her own boundaries very early on, and learned quickly that when she hurt other kids they may hurt her back. I was able to be pretty hands off with her. There have been many occasions where another mom and I would carefully watch from the sidelines ready to intervene if necessary, especially when she would try to "play with" her nemesis. (Yes, my 4 yo has a nemesis. )