explaining spanking to your non-spanked kids--update: had the talk

GodChick · 10-10-2005, 08:27 AM

Last night when we were all over at my MIL's house for supper, SIL hauled off and gave her DS (age 1.5 years) a big ol' smack on the arm, right there at the table because he was being fussy and squirmy.

My DD Serena (age 2.5 years) was mortified. Then SIL took her DS into another room, and DD kept wanting to check to see if he was okay. My MIL told her, "He's okay; he's with his mommy." Serena didn't say anything, but you could TELL she was thinking, "But that's why he's crying; his mommy hit him!" Later she said, "Aunt L*** hit T***!"

I didn't know what to tell her, so at the spur of the moment, I said the only thing I could think of: "I don't think she meant to hit him; I think it was an accident."

She may or may not have believed that, but if she keeps doing it, I know that's not gonna fly as an explanation! How do I explain to a 2.5 year old why her aunt hits her cousin?

*sigh*

ArmsOfLove · 10-10-2005, 08:36 AM

what an icky situation

I am just honest with my children about it. "Some parents believe that in order to teach their children they have to hit them." And then we talk about their thoughts and feelings about it. In the case you described I wouldn't even call it "spanking" because she just smacked him on the arm

Poor thing

My ds had a great response when I had to explain this. He said, "Oh, my friend was unkind to me and then his mommy was unkind to him." I think he was 3 or 4 at the time.

kycanonist · 10-16-2005, 07:17 AM

Oh my gosh... I'm just waiting for this day to come and I have yet to figure out how to address it...

I'm thinking this might be worth writing to Dr. Sears about on his website!

10-16-2005, 08:19 AM

You know, I had been wondering how I was going to address this issue with Dd, myself and have not found that I needed to... I suppose it could be my imagination, but it REALLY seems like the spankings given by our family members have tapered-off to the occasional threat (when we're around anyway). It makes me wonder... does our presence make them feel like they have a little more capacity to be more enduring / more creative in their discipline?

greenemama · 10-16-2005, 05:37 PM

we call it "being unkind to each other" because this is how i address henry's actions towards his brother or others. when dh squeezes or (sometimes) worse henry tells him, "poppy, you were unkind to me. hitting/hurting hurts!" and dh is always taken aback and apologizes. i don't think he realized that children who are allowed to express their emotions (unlike his upbringing

) will tell him like it is. it has helped the discipline dynamic for all of us here that henry knows what this kind of treatment is (unkind and hurtful) and is able to express his feelings on the matter.

that sounds like a terrible situation.

GodChick · 10-24-2005, 04:54 PM

well, it happend again last night.

So, today, while we were having lunch, and in a nice peaceful mood, I talked to her about it. I wasn't sure what to say, because I wanted to assure her that, though T**'s mommy hits him, I would not hit her or her sister, but I didn't want to introduce that thought, if she wasn't already wondering about it, KWIM?

Turns out, she had much more understanding than I ever expected.

While we were having lunch, I asked her if she remembered last night when T** was crying at Grandma's house. She did. I asked if she remembered how Aunt L** hit him. She did. I asked if she knew why she hit him. She said, "Because T*** didn't want his food." (Last night when she had asked why T** was crying, T**'s daddy said "he threw his food.") I told him that sometimes people think you can help someone learn something by hitting, and that Aunt L** thought she could help T** learn not to throw his food by hitting him. But that in our family we learn things by talking about them instead of hitting, so I won't hit her like that. Know what she said? She said, "You're good, mommy. When we holler, we go to the mat." (Translation: "when we're having a meltdown, we go to our comfort corner." I've got a mat and comfort items in a bag, instead of set up in a corner, because they kept walking off.

) So, apparently, she understood that this was some form of discipline, and that instead of punitive discipline like that, we cool off in our comfort corner. Wow, she really surprised me with that one. I did NOT expect her to say "you're good, Mommy." That's not really a description was use around here, "good girl" and such . . . but I think she didn't have a better word than "good" to say what she meant.

I don't know if I really did a very proper job of explaining, but she seemed to understand, and I am stunned at the maturity with which she was able to grasp it!

Wonder Woman · 10-24-2005, 05:13 PM

Radosny Matka · 10-26-2005, 05:47 PM

kycanonist · 11-25-2005, 04:30 PM

I'm so glad to have found this thread again...

DD has started to realize when her cousins get hit by my SIL... and she asked me... I was really at a loss...

When I brought it up with my spanking MIL, she said "Well, the answer is - because they deserve it!" UGH! Ummm... NOT! I said, "We've been raising Alex to believe that no one deserves to be hit, especially not by their parents." I realize this is rather simplistic, b/c obviously if someone is trying to abduct you, then it's okay to hit and scream and do whatever else you have to do... but this whole situation is rather icky...

I want to say "Aunt B- hits your cousins b/c she lacks self-control and doesn't know what to do with her anger..."

I know... I'm a horrible person...

Jacqui

Aisling · 11-25-2005, 04:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kycanonist

I'm so glad to have found this thread again...

DD has started to realize when her cousins get hit by my SIL... and she asked me... I was really at a loss...

When I brought it up with my spanking MIL, she said "Well, the answer is - because they deserve it!" UGH! Ummm... NOT! I said, "We've been raising Alex to believe that no one deserves to be hit, especially not by their parents." I realize this is rather simplistic, b/c obviously if someone is trying to abduct you, then it's okay to hit and scream and do whatever else you have to do... but this whole situation is rather icky...

I want to say "Aunt B- hits your cousins b/c she lacks self-control and doesn't know what to do with her anger..."

I know... I'm a horrible person...

Jacqui

kycanonist · 11-26-2005, 04:22 PM

Actually, after the fact, I wanted to tell MIL "Well, I might think my boss/coworker/person in front of me in line deserves it, but if I hit them it's a criminal assault and battery..."

I just don't understand, in general, how if ppl won't do things to others in society that they think it's okay to do it to their own children or spouses.

I mean, would my MIL support her son-in-law if he hauled off and hit my SIL, her DD? I mean, if he said "Well, she deserved it..." would it still be "okay" in her mind? So, if it's not okay for him to hit her or for her to hit him if they "deserve it," then why is it okay for them to hit their kids if they think they "deserve it?"

It's like I think of all of this stuff after the fact, kwim? I'm such a horrible lawyer... no wonder I don't practice anymore... placenta brain makes me incapable of thinking on my feet...

Bonnie · 11-26-2005, 06:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kycanonist

It's like I think of all of this stuff after the fact, kwim? I'm such a horrible lawyer... no wonder I don't practice anymore... placenta brain makes me incapable of thinking on my feet...

Quote:

placenta brain

So what's my excuse?
Come-backs almost always come to me in the wee hours of the morning, kwim?
I'm grateful for this thread, partly for future conversations with my children, partly for future conversations with dh and il's.

AmyDoll · 11-26-2005, 08:00 PM

Quote:

She said, "You're good, mommy. When we holler, we go to the mat."

My eyebrows went up at this! All I could think of is wrestling and going to "the mat" Wrestling out those problems are ya?!

Thank goodness for your translation - I woulda been left with a fabulous new idea on discipline

JamesMama · 11-26-2005, 09:27 PM

Yea for you mama! You handled that very well, IMO. DS has a cousin who is 3 years older than him, my aunt and uncle are Christian, but they believe in the spare the rod stuff (even though my aunt 'lost' where it is in the Bible, I asked her to find it for me) so I'm afraid their youngest will get a 'spanking' when DS is near. Your chat with your dd has gone into my 'for later' file to use when/if the need arises!

10-10-2005, 08:27 AM	#1
GodChick Deactivated RESPECT THE HEARSE. Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Texas Posts: 7,363	explaining spanking to your non-spanked kids--update: had the talk Last night when we were all over at my MIL's house for supper, SIL hauled off and gave her DS (age 1.5 years) a big ol' smack on the arm, right there at the table because he was being fussy and squirmy. My DD Serena (age 2.5 years) was mortified. Then SIL took her DS into another room, and DD kept wanting to check to see if he was okay. My MIL told her, "He's okay; he's with his mommy." Serena didn't say anything, but you could TELL she was thinking, "But that's why he's crying; his mommy hit him!" Later she said, "Aunt L* hit T!" I didn't know what to tell her, so at the spur of the moment, I said the only thing I could think of: "I don't think she meant to hit him; I think it was an accident." She may or may not have believed that, but if she keeps doing it, I know that's not gonna fly as an explanation! How do I explain to a 2.5 year old why her aunt hits her cousin? sigh*

10-10-2005, 08:36 AM	#2
ArmsOfLove Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 79,607	Re: explaining spanking to your non-spanked kids what an icky situation I am just honest with my children about it. "Some parents believe that in order to teach their children they have to hit them." And then we talk about their thoughts and feelings about it. In the case you described I wouldn't even call it "spanking" because she just smacked him on the arm Poor thing My ds had a great response when I had to explain this. He said, "Oh, my friend was unkind to me and then his mommy was unkind to him." I think he was 3 or 4 at the time. __________________ Crystal "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Maya Angelou

10-16-2005, 07:17 AM	#3
kycanonist Deactivated Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 684	Re: explaining spanking to your non-spanked kids Oh my gosh... I'm just waiting for this day to come and I have yet to figure out how to address it... I'm thinking this might be worth writing to Dr. Sears about on his website!

10-16-2005, 08:19 AM	#4
Mia Guest Posts: n/a	Re: explaining spanking to your non-spanked kids You know, I had been wondering how I was going to address this issue with Dd, myself and have not found that I needed to... I suppose it could be my imagination, but it REALLY seems like the spankings given by our family members have tapered-off to the occasional threat (when we're around anyway). It makes me wonder... does our presence make them feel like they have a little more capacity to be more enduring / more creative in their discipline?

10-16-2005, 05:37 PM	#5
greenemama Deactivated Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 4,206	Re: explaining spanking to your non-spanked kids we call it "being unkind to each other" because this is how i address henry's actions towards his brother or others. when dh squeezes or (sometimes) worse henry tells him, "poppy, you were unkind to me. hitting/hurting hurts!" and dh is always taken aback and apologizes. i don't think he realized that children who are allowed to express their emotions (unlike his upbringing ) will tell him like it is. it has helped the discipline dynamic for all of us here that henry knows what this kind of treatment is (unkind and hurtful) and is able to express his feelings on the matter. that sounds like a terrible situation.

10-24-2005, 04:54 PM	#6
GodChick Deactivated RESPECT THE HEARSE. Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Texas Posts: 7,363	Re: explaining spanking to your non-spanked kids well, it happend again last night. So, today, while we were having lunch, and in a nice peaceful mood, I talked to her about it. I wasn't sure what to say, because I wanted to assure her that, though T*'s mommy hits him, I would not hit her or her sister, but I didn't want to introduce* that thought, if she wasn't already wondering about it, KWIM? Turns out, she had much more understanding than I ever expected. While we were having lunch, I asked her if she remembered last night when T was crying at Grandma's house. She did. I asked if she remembered how Aunt L hit him. She did. I asked if she knew why she hit him. She said, "Because T* didn't want his food." (Last night when she had asked why T was crying, T's daddy said "he threw his food.") I told him that sometimes people think you can help someone learn something by hitting, and that Aunt L thought she could help T** learn not to throw his food by hitting him. But that in our family we learn things by talking about them instead of hitting, so I won't hit her like that. Know what she said? She said, "You're good, mommy. When we holler, we go to the mat." (Translation: "when we're having a meltdown, we go to our comfort corner." I've got a mat and comfort items in a bag, instead of set up in a corner, because they kept walking off. ) So, apparently, she understood that this was some form of discipline, and that instead of punitive discipline like that, we cool off in our comfort corner. Wow, she really surprised me with that one. I did NOT expect her to say "you're good, Mommy." That's not really a description was use around here, "good girl" and such . . . but I think she didn't have a better word than "good" to say what she meant. I don't know if I really did a very proper job of explaining, but she seemed to understand, and I am stunned at the maturity with which she was able to grasp it!

10-24-2005, 05:13 PM	#7
Wonder Woman Deactivated Yep. I'm a 3. Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 19,140	Re: explaining spanking to your non-spanked kids--update: had the talk

10-26-2005, 05:47 PM	#8
Radosny Matka Rose Garden I am so blessed! Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: somewhere between sane and crazy Posts: 26,922	Re: explaining spanking to your non-spanked kids--update: had the talk __________________ Sara Wife to Love of my life 8/98 Momma to my precious children: N 17 years, P 13 years, O 5 years! Remembering our babies: 12/98 9/99 12/09 1/17

11-25-2005, 04:30 PM	#9
kycanonist Deactivated Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 684	Re: explaining spanking to your non-spanked kids--update: had the talk I'm so glad to have found this thread again... DD has started to realize when her cousins get hit by my SIL... and she asked me... I was really at a loss... When I brought it up with my spanking MIL, she said "Well, the answer is - because they deserve it!" UGH! Ummm... NOT! I said, "We've been raising Alex to believe that no one deserves to be hit, especially not by their parents." I realize this is rather simplistic, b/c obviously if someone is trying to abduct you, then it's okay to hit and scream and do whatever else you have to do... but this whole situation is rather icky... I want to say "Aunt B- hits your cousins b/c she lacks self-control and doesn't know what to do with her anger..." I know... I'm a horrible person... Jacqui

11-26-2005, 04:22 PM	#11
kycanonist Deactivated Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 684	Re: explaining spanking to your non-spanked kids--update: had the talk Actually, after the fact, I wanted to tell MIL "Well, I might think my boss/coworker/person in front of me in line deserves it, but if I hit them it's a criminal assault and battery..." I just don't understand, in general, how if ppl won't do things to others in society that they think it's okay to do it to their own children or spouses. I mean, would my MIL support her son-in-law if he hauled off and hit my SIL, her DD? I mean, if he said "Well, she deserved it..." would it still be "okay" in her mind? So, if it's not okay for him to hit her or for her to hit him if they "deserve it," then why is it okay for them to hit their kids if they think they "deserve it?" It's like I think of all of this stuff after the fact, kwim? I'm such a horrible lawyer... no wonder I don't practice anymore... placenta brain makes me incapable of thinking on my feet...

11-26-2005, 09:27 PM	#14
JamesMama Rose Trellis Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: On an Aircraft carrier Posts: 1,835	Re: explaining spanking to your non-spanked kids--update: had the talk Yea for you mama! You handled that very well, IMO. DS has a cousin who is 3 years older than him, my aunt and uncle are Christian, but they believe in the spare the rod stuff (even though my aunt 'lost' where it is in the Bible, I asked her to find it for me) so I'm afraid their youngest will get a 'spanking' when DS is near. Your chat with your dd has gone into my 'for later' file to use when/if the need arises! __________________ Renae (INFP), loving wife to Josh since October 2002. Gentle Mama-wanna be to J-bird since January 2005, Dree-Dree since October 2007, and baby Engine since January 2010. Someone new coming May 2013 x2, Sept. 2004 & June 2012 Make a pregnancy ticker

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