Discipline and the ADD/ADHD child

[NovelMama]

So we learned today that PJ is most likely ADD/ADHD. Because we homeschool a lot of the "markers" aren't as obvious since we let her be as wiggly/start-and-stop-y as she wants to be and tend to keep her lessons very short, hands-on, etc., so the psych wasn't able to give us a 100% yes or no - but given DH is ADD it's not much of a surprise. Discipline with her has always been difficult and more often than not has lead to explosive anger outbursts and rages that last for an hour or more, and I'm wondering if there are things we should do differently with her given this possible diagnosis. Does gentle discipline look different with kids with AD(H)D?

[graciousmomma]

It's definitely not an easy road to walk My dd is very similar to what you describe. Making boundaries and sticking to them is a must - but that pretty much goes with many parenting styles anyhow. My dd tends to push back and be a line pusher, but at the same time, she wants the security of the line being held. With that being said, picking and choosing my "battles", so to speak, is really important.

Is your dd about 7? (From the dates on your siggy, that's what it looks like). During that age, we did choose to medicate for a time, because the ages of 7-9 were particularly hard to go through with her. It was really helpful, and the meds slowed her down enough to start teaching her some coping skills that stuck with her.

[BlissfullyEsther]

I'd like to follow along. My 6yo has ASD, ADHD, and really high anxiety. It's tricky to parent him without being accused of being too lenient but punitive stuff just doesn't work.

I wrote a post of my own just now but it got too long and OT so I scrapped it. Would you mind if I put a little of it here?

I've been working on his tendency to hit me. I'm making progress there. I've tried so many things over the years but what is working is pushing him away gently so he can't reach me with his fists/feet and calmly but firmly stating "I won't allow you to hurt me". Sometimes I have to sit on the floor and bear hug him to stop him hurting me. We chat sometimes about how I don't hit/hurt him when I'm upset with something he's done (makes me so glad that I don't hit!), and I often ask why he did it. If he expresses upset we talk about how to use words to express that, if he says he was trying to get my attention we talk about better ways to do that without hurting me. He rarely hurts me now, and when he does I'm able to calm him quite quickly. He quite pointedly taps my arm to get my attention now, instead of punching my bottom, and seems quite proud of himself for doing so.

It's been a really long and tear-filled time to get to this relative success. Now I'm trying to figure out whether him calling me "stupid woman" (when he's upset such as when I won a card game while he was in an anxiety-inducing situation) is a hill to die on this year. I just have so many bigger fish to fry right now.

I'm glad we homeschool because there's just so much scope to move and wriggle and run and change things on a moment's notice to suit what's needed. But it's also difficult and relentless. I don't think I have discipline figured out except that it's constant and active. Looking forward to hearing some more experienced voices.

[knitlove]

I am going to listen in to this, because I think this may be part of early bird's problems.

[NovelMama]

Originally Posted by graciousmomma

It's definitely not an easy road to walk My dd is very similar to what you describe. Making boundaries and sticking to them is a must - but that pretty much goes with many parenting styles anyhow. My dd tends to push back and be a line pusher, but at the same time, she wants the security of the line being held. With that being said, picking and choosing my "battles", so to speak, is really important.

Is your dd about 7? (From the dates on your siggy, that's what it looks like). During that age, we did choose to medicate for a time, because the ages of 7-9 were particularly hard to go through with her. It was really helpful, and the meds slowed her down enough to start teaching her some coping skills that stuck with her.

She is 7, yes. The psych we saw said nothing warranted medication, so unless we found a way to "prove" the AD(H)D diagnosis more definitively, we wouldn't be able to get her medicated anyway. And I would do SO MANY OTHER THINGS before going on medication that I'd frankly rather just start trying those other things instead to see if they help. (A topic for me to spin off when I find time.)

[Soliloquy]

I have a child with anxiety and would almost assuredly qualify for a diagnosis of ADD if we had him evaluated.

I've found it's really important to put our relationship with him first. I can get overly focused on making sure he learns how to function in society. But, more than anything, I want him to look back on his childhood and know that, without a doubt, his parents loved him just the way his is and were his biggest advocates, supporters, and were never disappointed in him.

I can get tired of the lack of normalcy but this is what life has served me. I can season it any way I like.

[graciousmomma]

Originally Posted by NovelMama

She is 7, yes. The psych we saw said nothing warranted medication, so unless we found a way to "prove" the AD(H)D diagnosis more definitively, we wouldn't be able to get her medicated anyway. And I would do SO MANY OTHER THINGS before going on medication that I'd frankly rather just start trying those other things instead to see if they help. (A topic for me to spin off when I find time.)

I was the same way. However, for our family situation, the behavior was so disruptive, and I had other small children who needed attention too. I couldn't do multiple hour long meltdowns a day, and deal with a baby and a toddler on top of it. Every family is different, just sharing what worked for us. This is a public forum, and I would share more otherwise, but that is the abbreviated version of it.

[BlissfullyEsther]

Originally Posted by graciousmomma

I was the same way. However, for our family situation, the behavior was so disruptive, and I had other small children who needed attention too. I couldn't do multiple hour long meltdowns a day, and deal with a baby and a toddler on top of it. Every family is different, just sharing what worked for us. This is a public forum, and I would share more otherwise, but that is the abbreviated version of it.

I can well believe it. I could NOT do this with more kids or with a baby/toddler in tow.

Ok, I would have to do it if it were my situation (and likely try meds), but my remaining shreds of sanity would be in tatters. Some days (many days) my 6yo takes everything I have to give. I'm glad my older child is so laid back and able to take most things in his stride.

[AngelaVA]

One thing I often see is that people think a child with ADHD needs a ton more structure and I have found over time that's not always true. Definitely having routines and some structure is good but having excessive amounts just causes more stress for everyone. You aren't going to make their ADHD go away by making their entire life regimented, you are just going to make them miserable. My child with ADHD actually needs more down time than would be typical to recover from structured things because it is so much work for her mentally to do things like school work and chores.


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[Anne Ofalamo]

Originally Posted by graciousmomma

I was the same way. However, for our family situation, the behavior was so disruptive, and I had other small children who needed attention too. I couldn't do multiple hour long meltdowns a day, and deal with a baby and a toddler on top of it. Every family is different, just sharing what worked for us. This is a public forum, and I would share more otherwise, but that is the abbreviated version of it.

oh I hear myself in your words!
3 of mine were dx add/adhd and violent at times. Medication made me cry and ache even to administer. But we did it for a while. They are all off (my youngest I ponder if we did it too soon), but hugs to you, because when you love your babies, it hurts to see them struggle.
I kept the youngest home for a bit when they came off the meds. The older ones told me they felt a bit like zombies at school. They had also reached the point it was causing them not to sleep at night and they were hardly eating.
I totally agree to more down time! Imagination with Legos, and art (not all video games, cause my boys could lose themselves in those boxes lol)
You might journal their behavior along with foods, I was recommended it, but due to having other things to get done that fell to the wayside.
But as to discipline (as per the OT), we had a lot of lets stop this (whatever was causing the meltdown) and move to another room, usually the couch, with a book a blanket and snuggle with mom. My dishes stayed dirty, my house got dusty, and sometimes the laundry piled up, but having that peace was worth it for both husband and myself.