Making our home a safe place for the truth

[Starfox]

In another thread the concept of making a home a safe place for kids to tell the truth was raised.

I was not raised in this kind of home and I have no idea what it looks like. I think we give our kids a safe place to tell the truth, but other times I wonder.

What does that look like for you and in your home?

[ArmsOfLove]

the way we approach it is that the truth is the expected standard for information. And not just "our version" of it--by which I mean, we distinguish between big T "TRUTH"--factual, unarguable, this is what happened TRUTH--and little "t" truth--someone's version/experience/perspective. Both are validated.

An example: "X, your plate is on the table. You need to come clean it off." If X responds with reasons why or what they were doing instead or defensiveness or whatever, the response is, "Okay. Your plate is still on the table, you need to come clean it off." So they aren't belittled for the excuses, aren't argued with, and the big T is the issue we keep going back to.

Another example: If X says that the sky is purple, I am fine accepting that in their perspective, from their vantage point, in their world the sky is purple. I feel no compulsion to prove to them that it's some certain shade of blue. OR if two children are arguing, they both get to express their perspective--their version of the conflict--so that they both feel heard and validated. The big T/TRUTH response to the situation is going to be how to resolve the situation--but they have been heard

One big thing is that we emphasize that we are all on the same team! By not engaging in adversarial parenting, we aren't thinking our children are the enemy. If they do something wrong we need to know for so many reasons--so that we can help them fix the situation, so that we can keep them safe, so that we can teach them what to do instead, etc. By not punishing them and instead working to be proactive about things we make it safe to come to us with problems.

I'm sure there are other things but I got interrupted so I'll try to come back

[crunchymum]

Subbing.

[Allison]

In our house it looks like: Dudes, mistakes happen. What do you/we need to do to fix it.

Example: Ds10 has broken three windows in his lifetime. I saw him break two and knew it was an accident. The third was a result of something he should not have been doing.

The look on his face when he broke the two windows was enough to let me know that he was embarrassed, remorseful and learned a lesson about throwing a football that close to the house on a windy day. I did NOT need to add any, "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT!" to the situation. I only needed to reassure him that accidents happen.

In the case of the other broken window, he made amends to the person he was throwing something at and that was that.

He couldn't help clean up the glass because he wasn't old enough to do it safely and he couldn't pay us for the repairs because he had no income.

We praised him for coming to us immediately and telling the truth.

To sum up If you make a mistake, you tell us and we help you fix it if we can or your fix it yourself if you're capable. That's the way it's worked in my life as an adult so there is no need to heap on punishment. If can be fixed, fix it and if it can't make amends in some other way.

[The Tickle Momster]

I can always use encouragement in this area.

[Allison]

Just wanted to add that it felt SO good the days he broke the windows and he came to me all sad and pitiful and I held him and reassured him that this was not something that couldn't be fixed. I was able to help him find words for what he was feeling.

My parents would have yelled and shamed. It wouldn't have mattered how remorseful or overwhelmed I was over my mistake. There would have been no pity for me because I "brought it on myself."

I lied to my parents all the time because of this. I hid my mistakes from them.

[bec28]

[Rugayatu]

[BarefootBetsy]

Subbing

[WingsOfTheMorning]

Like Crystal said, we don't argue about things like what color something is. I like the idea of differentiating between Truth and truth as Lydia gets older.

Lydia is starting to tell us that the other parent did or said things that they didn't. Some of these seem to be misunderstandings and some seem to be words-as-magic moments. If DH is home, we talk together about what happened or what was said and try to work out the misunderstanding. We talk about saying what Daddy really said, not "what you wish Daddy said" (thanks Crystal).

We try to do it in a matter-of-fact, non-shaming way. I think it helPs to assume positive intent. It would be easy to assume she's trying to manipulate us.

Oh, I also thank her when she tells me she took something from her sister or knocked her over or made a big mess and emphasize she can always tell us about those things.

[saturnfire16]

One thing I do in this area is that no one gets in trouble for "tattling" and, of course, the person being tattled on does not get in trouble either. If one child comes to me and says, "Mom, she hit me!" than she needs help and the child who did the hitting needs help and I go HELP.

When I hear fighting and I walk in the room and say "what's going on?" I'm pretty well guaranteed to get the facts because no one is in trouble. There are different versions of the facts depending on perspective, but neither one makes things up to try to get the other in trouble or themselves out of trouble because no one gets in trouble. I just help them resolve the issue and make amends as needed.

[The Tickle Momster]

This is not going well in our home this week. . I've had to resort to line of sight parenting because I can't trust the kids to tell me what happened. I know there will be some discrepancy due to perspective but this has been more than that. They can be alone away from me but not together. It stinks. in some ways it's good though. It forces me to be more involved which may be part of the problem in the first place.

[Allison]

Originally Posted by The Tickle Momster

This is not going well in our home this week. . I've had to resort to line of sight parenting because I can't trust the kids to tell me what happened. I know there will be some discrepancy due to perspective but this has been more than that. They can be alone away from me but not together. It stinks. in some ways it's good though. It forces me to be more involved which may be part of the problem in the first place.

Sometimes I say to them, "I don't want to know who did it or how it happened, I just want it fixed/taken care of/amends made, etc.

[Tandem mama]

I subbed to come back and read here.

Sunshine just learned what the word lie means from one of her shows. So she has been testing the waters.

The other day, she said she was tired and wanted to watch a movie and nap. She doesn't nap-I let her watch movies while the baby naps because it's the only thing I've found that works. I kind of thought she just wanted to watch a movie because dh had been turning on movies in the morning and I put a stop to it the day prior. I said, "if you want to take a nap, we will all go lay down. You may watch your movie one time (this is always the nap rule) and you must lay still or it goes off (again, always a nap rule. She can be still and quiet sink can get the baby down or she can go play on her own). If you are very tired, you need to sleep." she agreed and we laid down. After it was over she said, "mommy, I lied to you. I didn't want to take a nap. I just wanted to watch a movie."

I didn't really know how to handle it. My first reaction was to not let her watch movies for a few days. Then I told her, "you know what? Let's make it true. If you lay down and go to sleep, you'll have a nap. I know you lied to get your way, but let's take that lie back and make it true"

Thoughts? "lying", "words as magic" and truth are really big triggers for my punitive fallback. I need some guidance and help.

By helping her do what she said, I was hoping to make it clear that 1. She won't get away with lying and 2. She can fix it by doing what she said she would do.

[MercyInDisguise]

I like the idea of helping her fix it. Also, you can let her know that in the future, she can tell you the truth, that she wants to watch a movie. You might say no, but you won't be mad at her for telling the truth.