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Old 05-05-2012, 11:53 AM   #1
ReadingMommy
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Default Article on parenting an introvert and Scripts Wanted!

I wanted to share this great article I just read about parenting introverted children!

http://www.introvertedchurch.com/201...troverted.html

Right now, with my 4-yr-old introverted son, I'm wanting to find better ways of dealing with the comments of other people about him being "shy", etc. He's so much like me when I was his age and is very cautious about talking around people he doesn't know well. People we don't see all the time are often surprised to find that he *can* talk, even though he talks my ear off at home!

The article gives this advice:
If your child is shy, don’t let her hear you call her by that label. She’ll start to experience her nervousness as a fixed trait rather than as an emotion she can learn to control. She also knows full well that “shy” is a stigmatized word in our society. When others call her shy in front of her (which they will), reframe it lightly. “Sophie is great at sussing out new situations.”

Since I can't picture myself regularly using the word "sussing", I need to come up with some good scripts to pull out when I'm explaining and standing up for him in public. What do you say on behalf of your little introvert?
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Old 05-05-2012, 12:05 PM   #2
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Default Re: Article on parenting an introvert and Scripts Wanted!

I just say that they like to take time to get a feel for the situation, or to figure out the lay of the land.

I've used shy as a neutral-to-me descriptor at times, though .
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Old 05-05-2012, 12:13 PM   #3
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Default Re: Article on parenting an introvert and Scripts Wanted!

My child (introvert) has no fear or stigma of the word shy and uses it to refer to himself with new people which is usually followed by "and that's okay...everyone is different"
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Old 05-05-2012, 12:52 PM   #4
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Default Re: Article on parenting an introvert and Scripts Wanted!

My little guy actually did pick up on the "shy" label and started using it as an excuse. "No Mommy, I can't. I'm shy!" I want him to accept his own introversion, but know that he *can* work on his social skills at appropriate times too! Just in a way that respects his cautious personality and need for space to get comfortable. I want to frame *who he is* positively while finding positive ways to encourage his social development. Hmm. I guess I HAVE always considered "shy" to be a stigmatized label, but maybe it doesn't have to be if it can be reclaimed in a positive way? I don't really know.

ETA: I also think there is a difference between referring to yourself as shy and strangers labeling you that way. I bothers me when people "label" DS without giving him the chance to warm up and show them who he really is!

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Last edited by ReadingMommy; 05-05-2012 at 12:55 PM.
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Old 05-05-2012, 01:20 PM   #5
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Default Re: Article on parenting an introvert and Scripts Wanted!

When pill was about 5, I told him that I expected him to respond politely when people ask how he is or what his name was, and that I would then "rescue him" so he didn't have to make small talk. This helped him to learn to make polite chit-chat, which is really important in our society, but also helped him feel safe knowing he wouldn't have to go on and on (some people can be really intrusive with questions!). So, he started with telling his name when people asked, and his age. Then I would change the subject or say things like "nice talking to you, have to run" so that he wouldn't feel pressured. There were times, especially at first, that didn't work and he just felt really overwhelmed and I would just pass the bean dip and cover for him.

Even though he is still shy, he shakes people's hands and makes eye contact and says his name, age, and favorite subject in school...which seems to be the only thing adults want to know (borrring). He's 8 now.
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Old 05-05-2012, 05:11 PM   #6
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Default

I usually say, she needs time to warm up. Or sometimes I just say, this is too overwhelming for her right now.

One thing I still need a line for is when people want her to "perform" for them and then assuming she's not smart enough when she doesn't do it. Just because she's warmed up enough to talk to them doesn't mean she wants to say her ABC's or count or sing a song for you.

I'm not sure about the going to the birthday party early one though. I see their point about avoiding walking into a crowd but sometimes birthday parties can get long, there is an expectation that you will stay until the cake is cut and presents are opened. If you arrive early and then everything takes a long time it could be a really long draining party for an introverted child.

I found the part about the orchid child at the article it liked to interesting as well. I think I would define my DD2 (my introverted one) that way.
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Last edited by AngelaVA; 05-05-2012 at 06:07 PM.
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Old 05-05-2012, 05:27 PM   #7
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Default Re: Article on parenting an introvert and Scripts Wanted!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ReadingMommy View Post
If your child is shy, don’t let her hear you call her by that label. She’ll start to experience her nervousness as a fixed trait rather than as an emotion she can learn to control. She also knows full well that “shy” is a stigmatized word in our society. When others call her shy in front of her (which they will), reframe it lightly. “Sophie is great at sussing out new situations.”

Since I can't picture myself regularly using the word "sussing", I need to come up with some good scripts to pull out when I'm explaining and standing up for him in public. What do you say on behalf of your little introvert?
Thanks for sharing the article! I really liked it.

I really loved the quote you included. I can't see myself using the word "sussing" either, but maybe, "Sophie is really great at sizing up different situations."
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Old 05-06-2012, 11:21 AM   #8
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Default Re: Article on parenting an introvert and Scripts Wanted!

Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelaVA View Post
I usually say, she needs time to warm up. Or sometimes I just say, this is too overwhelming for her right now.

One thing I still need a line for is when people want her to "perform" for them and then assuming she's not smart enough when she doesn't do it. Just because she's warmed up enough to talk to them doesn't mean she wants to say her ABC's or count or sing a song for you.
I've used the warming up line too, but some people just won't leave it alone and keep pushing to "help him" get warmed up. I always appreciate the people who take the hint and give him a little space to do that on his own!

And it's hard when people try to make them perform! (Usually those same folks who are trying to "help" with the warming up process!) What about something like "She's a spontaneous performer. She doesn't perform on demand." Is that too rude?

Gentlemommy, I like "sizing up" better than "sussing"!
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Old 05-06-2012, 02:37 PM   #9
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Default Re: Article on parenting an introvert and Scripts Wanted!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ReadingMommy View Post
What about something like "She's a spontaneous performer. She doesn't perform on demand." Is that too rude?
I like that. I don't think it's rude.
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Old 05-10-2012, 09:50 AM   #10
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Default Re: Article on parenting an introvert and Scripts Wanted!

my DD is shy too. I was as a child and still kind of am. I try to say it takes her a while to warm up instead of shy. But I wish there was a single word instead of shy. Saying it takes her a while to warm up or that that she's more reserved takes longer to say. I do still say she is shy sometimes. But I really don't want to create a stigma or label her. I hate it when people say "oh don't be shy!" like it's a bad thing. Most people don't say that though. When I was a child I remember a few people saying the "cat got my tongue". My dad would joke that they hadn't taught me to talk yet.
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