What to do??

[heartofjoy]

I don't have enough tools yet. I didn't know what to do this morning. I was in the shower this am with the baby in her bouncey seat next to me. Since the kids are always coming in on me, I locked the bathroom door. Of course, something happened and Jordan, my 3 yob, comes banging on the door screaming to let him in. I refected feelings. "You sound angry." Then told him that my shower was almost finished and I would let him in in a moment. More screaming, throwing himself on the floor kicking. I repeat my words. He screams more. I tell him not to scream. I give him the right words to say. Say, "Mommy please open the door." He says this calmly, and I repeated that I would be out in about 2 minutes and would open the door. More screaming. This continues until I get out of the shower and open the door. This type of screaming, demanding, impatient behavior happens often with him.

So he tells me his sister kicked him. Okay. I said that must have hurt, and I kissed his knee. Then I asked Lacy (5 yog) to come see me. I took her in the bathroom with me for some privacy and asked her to explain what happened. She's holding this small rock and she says that she was playing and trying to throw the rock over Jordan's head, but it hit him on the forehead. Okay (no mention of the kicking??) I told her she needed to give mommy the rock because we should not play with rocks int he house. Maybe I said we shouldn't throw rocks in the house. She got hysterical. She wants to take it to Pioneer Days today. I told her that rocks are not toys. I did reflect feelings. I said, "I know you want to take your rock. You are sad that you can't have the rock." Or something like that.

Now I have been standing in the bathroom, hair dripping, wrapped in a towel. I was ready for them to get out so I could get dry and dressed. By this time all 4 of them were in the teeny bathroom with me. So I asked them all to leave, so I could get dressed. More hysterics from Lacy. I told her she was tired and throwing a fit and I would not take a child who was in such a state to Pioneer Days. I really feel this way. I don't want to take children to this fun, tiring event if they are so grumpy that they are throwing a fit over having to leave the bathroom! Maybe it was too punitive to say. I don't think my motivation was to punish though. And I'm not sure that it was honest either because I don't think we will NOT go. I am pretty committed to going even if we're all going to be miserable.

Lacy is the type of girl that once she gets an idea in her head, she can't let go of it. So if we did not go to Pioneer Days today she would be tantruming all day because she would feel so bad. She is also really tired. My kids are not sleeping enough and I don't know what to do, but that's probably a different post.

So what do I do in these situations? I can't stand it when an almost 6 yo throws a fit like a 3 yo. And my 3 yo screaming? Ugh. And these situations always happen when I am "down" like wrapped in a towel dripping wet. I don't feel together anyway and they've caught me when I'm uncomfortable. Help.

[PurpleButterfly]

Oh mama - what a morning!

First can I just say how amazing you are to be juggling all that and working so hard to be gentle, communicative, and such an awesome, caring and attuned parent? You inspire me!

I only have one child, a 5 yo ds, so I can't truly relate to the dynamics of your family, but I'm sure others with that experience will be helpful here. I would like to share what my first impressions are and leave them up to you to consider, if that's okay.

First - you mentioned that the kids aren't getting enough sleep. Does that mean you are also not getting enough sleep? HUGE factor for eveyone's behavior this morning, so if there's something you can do to help improve that, it will greatly help everyone's outlook and patience level. Also, was there any sugar and/or food dye in their breakfast? Sugar in any form and any amount will turn my calm child into someone who could qualify for Supernanny - we've learned to carefully check labels, only give 100% pure oj and in small amounts, etc., because it definitely impacts his behavior. So does not eating soon enough which happens during busy mornings here.

If you're going to lock the bathroom door, let the children know in advance, and set them up a time-appropriate activity to keep them engaged as long as possible during that time. Set up a timer that they can watch that will give them a visual reminder to cling to and better grasp when you will be out. Set aside a few extra minutes to tell them what is going to happen and to help them get started on an activity.

"Mommy's taking her shower, and the door will be locked, but I can still hear you through the door. You can watch the timer and the closer it gets to the big ringing arrow, the sooner I'll be out!" Then set them up with some sort of activity:

~Coloring pages
~Crafts like pasting paper scraps with a gluestick onto construction paper
~Present a big bowl full of safe recyclables/craft supplies and ask them to create their own invention or artwork (tp and pt rolls, pipe cleaners, glue sticks, crayons, paper scraps, pom-pomps, plastic disposable containers...)
~A favorite family-friendly movie or tv show
~A board game that they generally play well together
~An entertaining educational video
~Colorful children's workbook pages
~A few dollar store goodies
~Grandma on the telephone!

I think your 3 yo would be more confused by the fact that he did what you asked, "Mommy, please open the door", and then you still wouldn't do it. Reflecting feelings "You sound angry" was great, but be sure you did more than than, "You sound angry - I can tell something happend and I want to hear all about it as soon as I finish. Did you know I'm hurrying right now so I can open the door faster? If you want to, you can sit right there and listen for the water to shut off." I may also even ask if there's a song we could sing together through the door or that I could sing to help him wait. I'd be sure to praise him for waiting even if (especially if!) you hear silence while you're finishing up. "You should be so proud of yourself for waiting patiently! I can't wait to give you a big hug!"

The mediation between the two older children was great -giving them both a chance to talk and be heard and feel understood. In this situation, because there wasn't a deliberate throwing of the rock, I would have allowed her to take the rock to Pioneer Days. My ds has always been highly sensitive to having to hold things, so I understand those big feelings and strong need in a child, too. "Even though you didn't mean to hurt your brother, you did, so it would be good to apologize to him. Rocks can hurt people, so we shouldn't throw them near or over anyone. Can you keep that rock in a safe place and remember not to throw it near anyone?"

Getting dressed and ready in privacy is pretty hard with young kids...again, I would provide something for them to do and probably a snack even if they had breakfast recently, letting them know you'll be out soon. "Mommy is going to get dressed now, and you can ____ while I'm doing that. The sooner I can get ready, the sooner we can go and have a fun day! Who wants to have a fun day today?!!!...." Be the cheerleader getting them prepared and in a positive mindset so they're (hopefully) busy thinking, "Yay, mommy's almost ready and we're going to have a fun day!" instead of, "where is mommy and why am I not allowed in there with her?"

It's very normal to vocalize your frustration with the kids and situation the way you did - I do the same thing and then get so mad at myself for doing it. I think we all do. Better to let steam off where you can! But that also doesn't mean you can't address it after you've cooled off a bit, something I'm learning to do... "I was so angry and frustrated that everyone was crazy this morning. All I wanted to do was get ready to have fun at Pioneer Days. But everyone was screaming and that made me feel awful and like I didn't want to go after all. I'm sorry I said those things, but that's how I was feeling and I didn't know what else to do right then. Let's pray together and ask Jesus to help us all find our right words and to help us have a fun day together after all..."

The best lesson we can give our children is to let them know we are human and need help from the Lord just like they do.

I think you're doing awesome and pray that you'll be gentle with yourself and see that your family is normal and healthy and that you're not alone.

[Beyond Blessed]

Kym, those were GREAT ideas! (this coming from one with four kids).

Desiree
I LOVE the idea of a timer! I think you did such a good job this morning!! You thought to reflect feelings when you were at a vulnerable point. The more we learn the better we will handle situations like this. My "goal" was to bathe before dh went to work, but I am not up for that yet - our dd#2 keeps me up too late So my showers/baths seem to end up the same way. We've started Atta Boy and Atta Girl charts and I let the dc know that I would like to see Atta Boy/Girl behavior while I am in the shower (and we discuss specifically being nice to one another). If they have achieved this when I get out then they get a sticker on their chart. I don't feel like I am setting them up to fail because we talk about it in advance and also, if they don't get a sticker then they know they will have many more chances during the day to earn one. Again, I love the timer idea so they can have a more "concrete" idea of when I will be out - I'm going to use this Kym, thanks!

[heartofjoy]

Thanks for the ideas and the encouragement! I am trying so hard to really understand what the children need. It is so hard for me. I am very introverted and I tend to get caught up with the thoughts in my own head and I forget to take their needs into account. Like I wouldn't have thought of the timer thing. My mind is just thinking, "well, they've previously gotten along well while I've been in the shower, so today they can do it too." I don't really stop and anticipate behaviors, and I'm usually shocked when they happen. You'd think after almost 6 years of this, it wouldn't surprise me anymore!

Don't even ask me how Pioneer Days went. I am not fit to discuss it now!

I am going to veg out here and eat chocolate chip cookie dough!

[Soliloquy]

Originally Posted by PurpleButterfly

I think you're doing awesome and pray that you'll be gentle with yourself and see that your family is normal and healthy and that you're not alone.

Ditto!

I think you did a great job this morning! PurpleButterfly had some awesome suggestions, but don't forget how well you did. There are going to be times that no matter how "perfectly" you respond, children (and adults) will have meltdowns. You made it through the day, you've learned a lot, and you never have to re-live this day again! So, I hope you're enjoying your veg out time. It's wonderful the way God gives us a fresh day each morning to completely start over.

Originally Posted by PurpleButterfly

It's very normal to vocalize your frustration with the kids and situation the way you did - I do the same thing and then get so mad at myself for doing it. I think we all do. Better to let steam off where you can! But that also doesn't mean you can't address it after you've cooled off a bit, something I'm learning to do...

I agree 100%. If you're feeling angry by what someone does, I think it's a good idea to say so. With practice, we can learn to do this by describing only actions, situations, and our own feelings without blaming. It's hard to do this in the heat of the moment, especially if you're used to the other way. Some ideas, "When I hear children screaming and yelling, it makes my head ache and I don't want to go anywhere! . . . I need a few minutes of privacy to get dressed. I'm not getting that privacy, and it's making me nuts! . . . We all want something here. You want to go to Pioneer Days, and I want to get dressed. If I can't get dressed, we can't go."

For me, if I don't make little statements like this throughout the week, I find myself losing my temper in a BIG way when it gets to be "the last straw." So, I try to deal with each little straw.

I think you're a great Mom! Sorry you had such a rough day!

[ArmsOfLove]

In some ways discipline can be defined as the way we respond to normal life situations and expected and unexpected behaviors

3yo's can't handle you being on the other side of the door, or injustice. 5yo's don't get enough cause and effect to predict how dangerous it is to throw something over someone's head. None of them understand privacy

I think, under the circumstances, you handled it fine A few suggestions to help you evaluate it for next time:

I would have stopped yelling after I told my child I'd open the door as soon as I was out of the shower. Then I'd have kept my word so that they have my words reinforced as being true and honest.

I would have comforted and reflected my 3yo's feelings about being hurt and assured them when I was done getting dressed I would talk to their sister. Then I'd have tried to send him on his way but gone about getting dressed whether he left or not.

THEN I'd have talked to sister and handled all of what happened *out of the bathroom*.

I probably would have let her take the rock but would have set it up and away *until* it's time to go and warned her that she would lose the rock if she couldn't hold it and keep it in her hand.

And if you were going whether everyone was behaving or not I'd have not threatened not going, though I might have honestly stated that I don't want to go do fun things when people are acting awful and remind them that family gets our best or no one gets the rest.

hth