are you AP because of your upbringing?

I did not want to parent as my parents did, but I didn't "choose" GBD because it's very different from the way they did things. While as a kid I swore I wasn't going to spank, as an adult I was easily persuaded by the numerous books I read that spanking is Biblical (I read at least a half dozen different books that said as much and never read one saying otherwise ). So my initial plan was to follow the same sort of plan as my parents, but to do it "right". So many of the authors I read argued that if you just followed their instructions "correctly" - gave the kid love and praise as well as holding them to high standards - then their methods would work, so I figured my parents must've done something wrong for the system to fail so completely with me.

Mind you, I wasn't the only one who believed my parents methods hadn't worked - my mom always said they never found a punishment that worked on me. But the system didn't work any better on my eldest daughter than it had on me, and when my second son came along it didn't work even that much! :/ My eldest son and second daughter responded roughly as advertised, but I felt it was cutting into their trust of me and adding anger issues.

Plus I'd run across Christians on the Internet who argued - persuasively - that spanking is NOT Biblically mandated. So I slowly quit even trying to apply the Dobson/Fugate sort of approach but I didn're really know what to replace it with. I started using more GBD methods just stumbling around with instinct and the Bible. I still haven't read any AP author but Sears, and his stuff didn't do much for me so I don't know that he was much of an influence, either. I truely believe GBD is the Biblically based approach - it's applying the Golden Rule to your kids. It's treating them as you would any other Christian (or non-Christian, sometimes).

I do think Jeff VanVonderen's books Tired of Trying to Measure Up and Families Where Grace is in Place helped me to really SEE what my parents had done (and what I was trying to do), and recognize how wrong it was. And I suspect my parents think my parenting is a form of rebellion against them, or reactionary at the least. I don't think it is, though, because I started out pretty much imitating them. My mom gave me The Christian Family, which out-Ezzos Ezzo, and I know they read and liked Dobson, which is why I read him. So I started out imitating their methods - except when it became clear that it wasn't working, instead of "buckling down and trying harder" the way my parents did, I gave up. :P

But not really - I gave up on that approach and went searching for something better. I think the GBD approach is much broader - it's a lifestyle, and requires far more application in conversation than Ezzo's system, for instance - and in that sense requires more effort; but it's also more effective. The real tragedy is that my mom was bound and determined that her kids would feel loved - she'd never felt her mother truly loved her - but I was in my forties before I really believed my parents loved me (and I still question it some days). I kinda think my mom did a lot of things that would make most kids feel loved - my brother and sister felt loved - and even as a kid I could see she did more than the parents of many of my friends, but I still didn't believe she loved me. The punitive parenting practices overshadowed all that, for me. I believed all her kindnesses were born out of duty, not love, and that she didn't really even like me, much less love me.

I see the same thing in some Ezzo parents - great frustration that the techniques aren't working quite right, along with determination to do the "best" for their children. Which I fear in the long run will backfire on them considerably. My parents have a lot of regrets on how they parented me - I have a lot of regrets on how I parented my older ones. But I don't think I've just rebounded to permissive parenting or anything. The kids have much the same responsibilities and chores as they did before - it's just that we approach getting these chores done from a completely different perspective.

OTOH, I do think people who suffered under the standard "Conservative Christian parenting" style are more likely to search for options. I think I was more motivated to question the practices because I could see my eldest daughter was suffering as I had - I suspect that many people who have a more instinctive respect for authority would dismiss her pain as immaterial or as rebellion. I've had a lot of spankers scoff at the idea that child who is loved would find spanking a violation or an attack or in any way "evidence" that their parents don't love them - I suspect because they never responded to a spanking that way. But I suspect I would have found spankings troublesome even if I'd never suffered them personally, and would have rejected that style of parenting no matter how I'd been parented. I think I only embraced it in the first place because it was all I knew - I'd know gentle parents, but never gentle Christian parents, and I really couldn't figure how gentle parents accomplished what they did. :P It's a big change.

Sheryl

[ArmsOfLove]

Yes--because my mom had discovered it by the time she was having my youngest brother I grew up going to LLL meetings because my mom was a leader

[Peepsqueak]

I am AP because I did not get much affection as a child. My mom came from a New England background where children should not speak until spoken to, etc. My father was from a southern background that believed in good switchings if you were naughty. Also he spent time in Germany where harsh discipline was a popular techinque. He had Ezzo additudes about scheduling and babies, too. I do not think he read Ezzo, but he was very much into CIO and scheduled feedings, bedtimes, etc.
I cosleep with my kids still today, breast fed and carried them in slings until they were too heavy (around one to two years old). I would have breast fed into toddlerhood but they weaned themselves....
I also coslept because I work full time and even when they were on the breast, I had to work full time and this made up for my time away from them. I am very affectionate and huggy and hold my children a lot. Since they are much older, snuggling is not as much but anytime they want snuggling I am receptive to it. I do miss the baby years....

[malakoa]

I just want to say I am really encouraged by those of you who grew up in abusive homes who are praciticing ap because you want something better for your kids. that's so awesome.

There are lots of things I admire about the way my parents raised me, but it was not an "AP" home. They were loving and certainly not abusive, though we were spanked. Actually, I kind of grew up in a "Cleaver" house. I wanted all the good things I found in my parents' parenting...but it just wasn't enough for me. I needed to cuddle more, bf longer, and in general, keep my kids closer.

[Tengokujin]

I am AP for several reasons, and due to several influences. First, my family is really restrained--no hugs and really not affirmation either. We do a lot of teasing which I know is rooted in love, but it really doesn't feel that way. I wanted to have MY family to be physically affectionate with each other and affirming.

Second, the first time I heard of co-sleeping ( which is not a requirement for AP) I made a disparaging remark about it to my boss. Well, he gently responded to me and said that his family had a family bed and this is why., blah, blah, blah.His response was so non-defensive, and I knew his family and their testimony. I knew I had to reconsider stuff. He was the first person to discuss why not CIO., etc. He explained that we don't ignore a hurting, lonely adult, why would we do that to a baby/child? That really stuck with me.

Those are my big reasons. I have had other influences on me which guided me to rethink mainstream thought.

Oh, another one....I can't stand to hear the same parents that WANTED a baby then complain about that baby. I wanted to pareant in a way that said it was ok to enjoy your child.

[UltraMother]

For me, the biggest reason is respect. For at least two generations, children in my family were/are considered to be second-class citizens.Children are treated very poorly, in a manner that no one would ever treat another adult. But, it's quite normal, to most peole. I despised it as a kid, and still do. I promised myself that I would not be like that. It's a promise that I have kept. I do mess up sometimes (when I go on auto-parent), but I have this goal in my head as "what not to do", and it keeps me strong.

[eoconnel]

I did grow up in an AP family. Mom extended bf, let us self wean, cloth diapered, made her own baby food, co-slept. I never really remember my parents yelling at us or each other. When they did raise their voice we knew that we were in really big trouble.

Elizabeth,

It must be wonderful to be raised that way.

I can't even say my children could say some of that about us (like we never yelled ) It must be so nice not to have the bad messages going over and over again especially during stressful moments.

Debra Baker

[button_soup_for_4]

My grandmother obviously didn't bf me and she didn't technicaly co-sleep but I remember sleeping on a cot in her room until I was almost 6 because she didn't like not being able to hear me if I needed her. I was the one who decided to move to the spare bedroom but even then the cot was were I wanted to be if I was sick for years after that.

She didn't wear me in a sling either but she was nearly 60 so I understand. Most of the time I sat on her lap or in a stroller close by. She had a play pen in the backyard that I played in until I was way to big for a playpen, like 5 . It wasn't used to trap me in so much as to give me a safe place to play while she worked. She gardened and hung clothes outside whenever the weather permitted. She never made me stay in the play pen and I never recall not liking it. She'd tell me what she was going to be doing, leave me with some toys or a snack and get to work. I could hear her working and could have easily climbed out if I had wanted to. But why would I? It was fun.

Grandma sang and gave piano lessons too. Her singing wasn't something that would have made her famous but I adored listening to her. When she gave lessons she'd let me know who was coming and what she needed me to do while they were there. She'd let me greet them, then either send me nextdoor to play, to the family room play, to bed for a nap (didn't like that one much) or let me listen if I was quiet.

rambling, sorry.

Cindy

[katiekind]

My stepmother AP'd my younger sisters (my half-sisters, that is) who were born when I was in my pre-teen years. Meanwhile my mother was more of a standard kind of mom for my younger half brothers who were also born when I was in my preteen years. My mother was busy pushing my brothers to independence etc, getting into adversarial situations with them, etc, and my stepmother was busy enjoying her babies. It was kind of a unique situation for me, living with my dad and stepmom during the school year and with my mom and stepdad during the summers, but I saw two ways of parenting young children and I easily saw which way I wanted to go when I had children.

I love them and enjoy them on one level, but I still don't think they "get" the real me, kwim?

This is me too...I am not AP because I wanted to be different than my parents, but because I want to do what is best for my dd and to make her feel loved and wanted and special..all the things I "knew" growing up but didn't really feel...KWIM?? :/

Now I know that I would not do it any other way..Thanks GCM for showijng me a better way!!

[mama j]

Yes, I think I am. In my case what drew me to AP was that I don't want to be a yeller and angry with my kids. It's hard for me to talk about my parents because I feel like I am disrespecting them or something, because they weren't that bad of parents. But they got so angry and would yell when I got in trouble. And it was unsuccessful, the yelling and anger did not make me behave. So I choose AP because I want something that is affective and gentle and loving.

[expatmom]

Yep, not in spite of my upbringing but because of it. My parents were/are pretty gentle folk. I was breastfed till well over a year when everbody else was bottle feeding. I remember my mom saying that she held us all the time when we were babies just because, and I loved to sleep on my dad's chest when I was a baby. We slept in their room when we were babies, and as older kids we always knew that their door was open & we could go for nighttime snuggles whenever we needed them. My parents weren't perfect & did go thru a punitive phase (related to the church they attended) when we were in our late child/preteen years. But on the whole, they taught us well with regards to gentle discipline. I love to see them now when they interact with my kids. They are awesome grandparents!

yes... if nothing else we were ap'ed when we were little.