Grandparent giving preferential treatment

[sara1215]

My parents have two kids, myself and my sister. There are a total of 7 grandchildren. The firstborn was my sister's son. He was born while she was going through a divorce. Because he was the first, the only boy for a very long time, and the circumstances of his birth, he has always had a special place in my dad's heart. Which is fine. Fast forward 8 years--DH and I have two girls, my sister is remarried and has 3 stepdaughters and a brand new baby boy with her husband of two years.

The issue now is that my nephew still gets special time with Grampy that no one else gets. He will take him bowling, or to a baseball game (minor league in town), or mini golf. Not frequently, but a few times a year. My daughter (6) is now starting to notice and she'd like to go to. Both kids are really well behaved, it wouldn't be too much for my dad to handle taking them both. Or for my dad to take my daughter somewhere special just her. My husband and my sister's husband get pretty angry about it. My husband has said something to my mom and she recognizes it as well. I should add that my sister lives a couple hours away, and my parents live in the same town as us. So the time with my sister's kids is less, but they still see each other every month or two at least, sometimes more often.

So how can this be handled gently? I am very nonconfrontational and don't want to make a big issue out of it. Maybe it isn't even an issue at all? My dad likely doesn't even realize anything is wrong. He has treated my nephew like this for so long, partly out of necessity during those years when he did not have a father figure.

[Leslie]

I think this happens in a lot of families. I saw it with my grandparents (both sides), and I see it with my own parents (but not with my in-laws). It seems to be the first-born grandchild who has a special place in the heart of the grandparents, and the times I've seen it is because that child was babysat a lot by the grandparents so there's almost a second-parent dynamic going on. I don't think there's anything that can be done about it. In fact, I think that saying something to try and correct it might just make it worse.

[FarmMama]

We had to set boundaries to curb this. My Grandma would throw a birthday party for my son every year...but never for my daughters. As soon as my girls were old enough to be aware of this dynamic, I no longer allowed that to happen. I think it would be perfectly reasonable to pull Grandpa aside and tell him that you would like to see his relationship with so and so grow, and what can he suggest to help that? From a different perspective...I was the favored one growing up for my Grandparents. It really hurt my brothers and the other cousins, and still is a wound to this day. My Dad's regret now is that he let it continue. Would the parents of the nephew be willing to help out a little, like when he gets invites, thrown in a "oh, sure, but maybe cousin so-and-so can come along too?" ?

[rjy9343]

There is not a lot you can do since it is your nephew and not son that is getting special treatment. I would however ask your dad if he would be willing to spend some time with my daughter because she really wants to be a big kid like her cousin and do things with him.

[CelticJourney]

There are a few things at play here:

1) a basically 'father-less' child is going to pull at the heart strings of a good man. Part of the bond your dad has here seems to be making sure this child had a man in his life...it just didn't stop when he got a step dad.

2) Why/how does anyone else even know about these special times? If it's the adults mentioning it, they should be asked to stop immediately. If it is the nephew, then it is a good starting point to broach the issue.

3) speaking of which, you say that your husband and bil are upset by it and that your mother is aware of it, but it seems no one has taken the step of talking to your dad about it. It's not fair for those concerned to be talking about him and not to him.

[Sparrow]

I think it's a special bond. I think the circumstance led to it.

I also think that if th adults are talking about it they need to stop, and it should be approached with your nephew. I don't think it's fair that anyone asks that to change.

Maybe you could say "dad, my daughter notices the special outings you have with nephew and she'd love some time with you. Could you take her out sonetimes?"

I'm betting he's oblivious. He sounds like a great grandpa to take on such a special role.

[sara1215]

Originally Posted by Leslie

I think this happens in a lot of families. I saw it with my grandparents (both sides), and I see it with my own parents (but not with my in-laws). It seems to be the first-born grandchild who has a special place in the heart of the grandparents, and the times I've seen it is because that child was babysat a lot by the grandparents so there's almost a second-parent dynamic going on. I don't think there's anything that can be done about it. In fact, I think that saying something to try and correct it might just make it worse.

That's what I'm afraid of, that saying something would make it worse.

Originally Posted by FarmMama

We had to set boundaries to curb this. My Grandma would throw a birthday party for my son every year...but never for my daughters. As soon as my girls were old enough to be aware of this dynamic, I no longer allowed that to happen. I think it would be perfectly reasonable to pull Grandpa aside and tell him that you would like to see his relationship with so and so grow, and what can he suggest to help that? From a different perspective...I was the favored one growing up for my Grandparents. It really hurt my brothers and the other cousins, and still is a wound to this day. My Dad's regret now is that he let it continue. Would the parents of the nephew be willing to help out a little, like when he gets invites, thrown in a "oh, sure, but maybe cousin so-and-so can come along too?" ?

It has been mentioned subtly a couple times after the fact by some of us, like "Oh I think DD1 would really enjoy something like that". Maybe he just hasn't gotten it in his head. Perhaps your direct phrasing might be clearer. I also think that because we live in close proximity and see each other often, maybe it doesn't occur to him to do something special with my daughter whereas he sees my nephew less so he tries to make the infrequent time more special. However, in my mind, that doesn't negate the fact that my daughter would enjoy a lot of the activities he does with my nephew.

Originally Posted by rjy9343

There is not a lot you can do since it is your nephew and not son that is getting special treatment. I would however ask your dad if he would be willing to spend some time with my daughter because she really wants to be a big kid like her cousin and do things with him.

I also like the phrasing of this.

Originally Posted by CelticJourney

There are a few things at play here:

1) a basically 'father-less' child is going to pull at the heart strings of a good man. Part of the bond your dad has here seems to be making sure this child had a man in his life...it just didn't stop when he got a step dad.

2) Why/how does anyone else even know about these special times? If it's the adults mentioning it, they should be asked to stop immediately. If it is the nephew, then it is a good starting point to broach the issue.

3) speaking of which, you say that your husband and bil are upset by it and that your mother is aware of it, but it seems no one has taken the step of talking to your dad about it. It's not fair for those concerned to be talking about him and not to him.

It's not that these special times are hidden or secret. For example, my DH and kids went to my sister's house this weekend to spend some time with them. My parents went too. I had to work so I stayed home. Well it turns out that my nephew had won some basketball tickets and so he and Grampy are going. But my kids are there too. I wish they could have made a way that both of the bigger kids could go. So my daughter will realize they are going somewhere and she isn't.

And I don't want to imply that we are all sitting around talking about my dad behind his back. I want to talk to him directly about it, I just don't know how. That's why I came here, to help me process it and maybe get some neutral perspective. I don't know if my mom has said anything to him about it or not.

Originally Posted by Sparrow

I think it's a special bond. I think the circumstance led to it.

I also think that if th adults are talking about it they need to stop, and it should be approached with your nephew. I don't think it's fair that anyone asks that to change.

Maybe you could say "dad, my daughter notices the special outings you have with nephew and she'd love some time with you. Could you take her out sonetimes?"

I'm betting he's oblivious. He sounds like a great grandpa to take on such a special role.

He is a great grandpa and it is a very special bond. I don't want to take anything away from that. I don't believe he intentionally is excluding my daughter or any of the other kids. Your suggestion may just simply be the way I need to phrase it.


Thank you to everyone for all your input. Sometimes typing something out is the best way for me (and I suspect many of us here) to process a situation.

[solatido]

Proximity can be a BIG factor. We live with MIL so our kids have a very special relationship with her but she really pulls out the big guns to do cool stuff when other cousins come to visit. Sometimes my kids get overlooked or treated pretty unfairly when the cousins are here and it is frustrating. It is also understandable. She sees my kids all the time and only sees the others a few times a year and wants to make the most of that time. Sometimes we say something if a bad pattern can be headed off, but most of the time it is usually a crummy set of circumstances and miscommunication that leads to frustration and it is too late to go back and change things. We all work to try to change the dynamic and while it doesn't always work, it helps to know that the intention is there. It's a sticky situation!

[Leslie]

Originally Posted by sara1215

That's what I'm afraid of, that saying something would make it worse.

My thought is that the favoring grandparent is often blind to what's going on. You, as the parent of the non-favored cousin, may be seen as overly sensitive or whining, which could make your own children less appealing, because often favoritism or not is an extension of a favored child.

My grandparents loved boys. They had two boys - my father, who was very responsible and upstanding, and then six years later, another little boy who she spoiled. My grandmother was proud of my father and they exchanged letters weekly until she died, but she always had a soft heart for her "baby." When her "baby" had his first child, a boy, she spoiled him rotten. Candy, treats, he was allowed to do whatever he wanted. Even after he had two little sisters, the girls were pretty much ignored.

We were seven hours away, and we would spend a week at my grandparent's house every Christmas, so we observed this going on. Even as kids, we could see it. When our cousins would visit (they lived near my grandparents), she would send them all home with candy -- the two little girls might get a pack of Lifesavers, and the boy would get a pint container filled to the brim with candy! When she had just the girls, if they got anything nice (cake, or anything), she would be sure to set aside a piece to take home for their brother. The same consideration was never made for them. Even as children, we saw the unfairness of it (though the little girls seemed to accept it as a matter of course).

When we made the seven hour drive home, she would do something similar -- she would pack little cups of candy for me and my sisters for the drive, but for my little brother, she would pack a large bucket and bags of chips. Because he was the boy. It was just . . . weird. Yet she was kind to all of us, a very loving woman. I have nothing but fond memories of her. She was just completely blind to what she was doing.

In later life, my two girl cousins did very well. They graduated, married, held down jobs. One of them even moved in to care for my grandfather in his old age after my grandmother died. The boy grew up into an irresponsible man. He was awful to my grandfather, even though he had been the favored grandchild. He would use my grandfather's house as a crash pad, and talk about him disrespectfully, even in front of him! It was his younger sister, who had been the unfavored grandchild, who moved in and cared for him.

I don't know whether any of that is relevant to your situation because in your case, it sounds like being the favored grandchild is probably a good thing for the boy, where in my cousin's case, I think it was part of what ruined him because of the type of spoiling -- never setting boundaries and filling him with sugar. I am certain that if my girl cousins had complained, it would made them less in their grandaprent's eyes -- partly because they would have been seen as "difficult" and partly because any criticism of the favored child would not have been tolerated. I remember eating dinner at my grandparent's and the favored cousin was there. He was about 8. Or maybe 10. He was complaining because his teacher told him he couldn't be on the football team unless he got passing grades in his academic subjects. And my grandmother, buttering him yet another slice of jelly bread, was talking about going to the school to tell this teacher that it wouldn't be right to be so mean to the poor boy(!) Even then, to my childish ears, it sounded outrageous, but I wasn't about to tell my grandmother that the teacher sounded pretty fair to me and my grandmother sounded unreasonable.

[rjy9343]

I don't think that dynamic is at play in this dynamic. It sounds more like CJ said, where a good man sees a little boy suffering so he stepped in to ease it and it just went from there. It does not sound like Grandpa is giving the little boy a basket of candy while everyone else gets some Chiclets. It sounds more like I have always done this and have never really thought about doing anything else. I think that because it is just not thinking about it, that it can be corrected with tact and gentleness so that no one has hurt feelings.
But I do know what you mean about the favorite. BIL was my MIL's favorite and could do no wrong. My husband was not and could do no right. Though FIL tried to make up for it by favoring my husband over my BIL. Yeah, nothing good comes from that dynamic. Unlike some things, you can't even argue nothing bad happened, because it always hobbles the favored and hurts the non favored.

[Laurlor]

I really understand. I spent so many years feeling so bitter towards my IL's. Sometimes it bothers me still, but for the most part I'm able to let it go because I can't change it. When my kids were little, DH talked to his parents about it more than once and not one thing ever changed. The only thing we ever did that helped the situation was that I asked IL's if we could schedule a regular day for them to have my kids over, so that way, they would at least get time with them and build memories rather than seeing them rarely. It helped. FIL still took my nephews out on Saturday mornings for breakfast and I even ran into IL's at a movie with the other cousins....they have never done that for my kids.

My kids are 15.5, 13.5, and 10. The older two absolutely see that IL's favor their cousins and it hurts, but we've had some good talks about it and I know view it as just one of those life lessons that we all have to deal with.

I'm really sorry this has hurt you .

[sara1215]

Without anything being said to my dad at all, there have been two "special" incidents involving my kids this week. Yesterday he brought some cookies over for my kids, just because. Cookies he picked up at a bakery especially for them. And then he and my mom want to take them on an outing this weekend. They are going to buy a nice swing set for their backyard and they thought my kids would like to come along and help pick it out. So maybe I was overreacting a bit?

[rjy9343]

Sounds like your dad realized he might be excluding the other kids and is making it up to them. Your father sounds like he is decent man all around.

[Sparrow]

Awesome!

[Prism]

Didn't read the whole thread... I would make plans for grandpa and DD... Call him up and say, "Great news dad! in 3 weeks there is such and such happening, and I just know you and DD would have so much fun. So put it on your calender." Lots of smiles. I've done this to my mom before.