New at Gentle Christian parenting, could use pointers

[jandjmommy]

Originally Posted by movinforward

My boys are 7 (almost 8) and 5 1/2. You have made some great progress and thank you for being open to sharing with us. It is helpful for me to read the responses.
jandjmommy, I love what you wrote, "You will never raise your fist to your mother or to any other woman as long as you live. "
My question is, how would you enforce this? If your child did this and just mocked you after you said the above? My almost 8 year old has had times of hitting me, pushing me - he is currently in counseling. I am in counseling. We are both trying to understand what is going on when he does this and how to handle it. I have had to literally lock myself in a room to get away from him when he gets into these fits. They are becoming much less frequent, but I am wondering how you can say the above and make sure that it does not happen again? Thanks.

I am sure others here can help you better than I can, but I'd think a counselor would have started right in on that issue. In my case only time will tell, but I think he took me seriously because I usually talk loud in general and yell when I'm excited or mad, so the calm statement of fact was heard, and obviously there is the implied threat of "or else", but honestly I don't know what the "or else" would be. My 4yo nephew thinks it's funny to hit everyone, scratch, pull hair, etc. He hit my mom on the leg one time and she pretty much told him the same thing-he never hit my mom again, but still hits everyone who essentially gives him permission to hit them.

[DoulaClara]

Carrie, a family therapist would be helpful with that. That's one of those situations that require a little extra step beyond what one person can do.

MsWonderful (love your screen name! ) how are you doing? Gentle parenting really is some intense work sometimes, especially when you first begin, but the eventual fruits are so worth it. Hang in there today!

[MsWonderful]

Hello, checking in.... it got really stressful on Friday. I made plans for the kids on Good Friday, a half an hr away... and we received a call while we were eating lunch, that we need to go back home, pick up DH, and head to the hospital in the town we were in... We drove, and sat... the boys did wonderful! They sat quietly for a little over 3 hrs... amazing. Thanking the Lord for the peace. Then, Sat a day of driving, they did okay.... but Sunday came, and they apparently were done sitting still... I knew it may be like this, so I sat us all the way in the back of the church, next to the out door....they were rolling under the pew, giggling, talking, started getting crazy...I took them calmly to the hall and talked, it helped alittle.... then we still had to drive back to the hospital... they were done, they couldn't handle a single second longer in the car... they were spitting at each other... The best I could do for them is.... separate them for alittle bit, then let them run wild outside. Seemed like I handled them well... I feel edgy this week, so I am trying hard not to let that come out.... and kids know when their parents are on edge, and for some reason, they have to test it... to see if it's for real..lol.. idk. But, it is getting better... for example, 6 yr old did something this morning and denied it, screaming, I asked for him to come and talk to me more about it, and he said 'no! I don't have too!', and pouted. My mouth dropped, in his yelling at the top of his lungs, and telling me 'no'... he seen my look of surprize, laughed and then quietly came to me. I didn't say anything during all that, then I spoke to him about it. Told him it wasn't nice to tease his brother. Mornings are crazy at my house, even on schedule. They aren't working real hard for their reward at the moment, going to have to switch it up a bit.

Thanks for asking. You guys are such a blessing.

[Tasmanian Saint]

Wow, tough weekend.

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[L-Boogie]

That sounds rough! But like you handled it well. I would go ahead and keep separating them when they are antagonizing each other. . i hope your loved one feels better!

[MsWonderful]

So, I have a new thing...

5yr old loves to make this growly frustrated angry noise when he is mad at his brother, or anyone, instead of using words... I have scripted with him when he does it, and he isn't listening, or trying the scripts... he just likes to grit his teeth, clinch his fist, and make this noise... or even just yell....

So, I tried tickets again... earn # tickets for good behaviors, and take away # tickets for bad behavior.... didn't work as planned... he threw the biggest tantrum fit ever, and as I continued to take tickets... it got crazy, and before I knew it, I got sucked in, and was yelling back at him, to quit the screaming, and I will quit taking tickets... then it stopped, because it was time for him to put his shoes on, to go to school... really? When it was over, I am like, okay.... I just yelled at him to stop yelling...

and another thing, he likes to do, is smart mouth, stick out his tongue, wiggle his butt.... by the way, he smart mouths with cute words, like your a "the call letter of my Christian radio station" ... I am like what... that's silly, but the way he used it was not!

Could use advice and prayers.. thank you

[Tasmanian Saint]

Is it possible he's seen people "smart-mouthing" on TV out in real life and thought it was a way to be funny so he's trying it out - ie had little if any idea that you would consider him to be rude? ( I don't know if my advice on this is helpful, because here in Australia we don't get bothered by what Americans call "sass" but...) personally I would ignore the tone and just be silly back in a more appropriate way, if that makes sense. He's five, he's trying to learn a bit about the complex world of jokes and silliness - you can expect that he'll mess it up sometimes

With the screaming, it sounds like he needs more direct help than scripting in that moment. Try doing a search on thus forum for "bear hug" and also "HALT" (or "phalt") to get some ideas. Bud some things just take time to learn. Repeat repeat repeat...


You might also consider giving up on the tickets, both reward and punishment. It doesn't sound like it's helping...

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---------- Post added at 06:43 AM ---------- Previous post was at 06:37 AM ----------

oh, and I've caught myself doing the "yelling for yelling" thing before too sometimes it can help to whisper when you feel like yelling. It forces then to drop their volume to hear you, too

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[L-Boogie]

Whenever we implement a new rule or routine, it doesn't go over super well at first. There is always a transitional period of time, usually about a week, where the kids have a bad attitude about it and push the boundaries. Consistency is key. Rules need to be clear and consistent.
So, for us, the consistent rule in those situations is:
Rudeness(this includes growling, namecalling, yelling, not cooperating with scripting) goes in your room with door shut, come out when ready to be kind (Parent will escort you there if you need help)
That might not be the perfect solution for your family, but i thought I'd give an example. If this were a new rule for my kids, I would expect them to freak out about it the first 20 times or so make sure you keep your boundaries steady even if it doesn't feel "successful". Kids need time to adjust ( and to realize that mom isn't going to keep changing, so there's no point in carrying on)

Hope that makes sense.. Typed it while nursing baby and supervising 4yo's bath

[WanderingJuniper]

On phone please excuse poor everything.
Smart mouthery - We do a way of engaging but not engaging th t diffuses the situation .
"You're a stinky toe sock monkey!" :P
Us: "I wonder how a sock monkey got to be so stinky and is it made from toe socks or does the sock monkey have toes?"
We aren't looking for real dialog just to Sigurd the tension of the situation. After the big feels connected to the tension pass I'll say something like "instead of calling me silly names to be funny or express your frustration please use kind respectful words."

It's tough because we would totally at silly name games in our family but I can also see how a child could do it in an intentionally disrespectful way. That said most 5 yo don't understand the power of their words and need instruction to learn a respectful way to interact using words.

The frustrated noise. I hear ya on this one. It's been a long time. I inc with my son on this and for the most part he is great about using words to express his frustration but even know I he is tired or has been pushed past his limit too many times he'll grit whine yell. Keep correcting and connecting. It's a slow process but it does yield positive results down the road.

[MsWonderful]

Thanks :grou phug: grouphug

He goes to public schools.... Would love to homeschool.

I do have them go to their rooms, and come out when they are ready.... I guess I need to be more consistency.... Using it every time...

And I have played the goofy name game...like He calls me a turkey bocko... And I replied... Well your turkey bocko eyeball...lol... Then he would up it...lol... Then I would say ok, we are done. Just done it once or twice....

And I have ignored some of it... Just to keep sane

Keeping it all in thought to use tomorrow.... It's a daily thing.

Thanks ladies

[ReedleBeetle]

Isaac does the growly noise every spring for last few. Probably started around 8yo. It is spring. This year, I give up. DH has not. I'm pretty sure here, it is allergy related. Is that possible there?

[MsWonderful]

Good question.... He does have allergies, like weather-outdoor... Hmmm... Idk... He is loud anyways.... Likes noise... Banging, clunking, clashing, smashing... Roaring.... And voicing the famous growls noise, when he's mad. That's my kid, lol

[lucie]

Anna does the "angry dragon" noise it peaked around 4.5 (it was worst when Isaac was a baby and cried), and now is mostly diminished. She just turned 5. I try to script words, but it's a hit or miss... Mostly it looks like she's just growing out of it.


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Lucie--mom to Anna (April 2009) and Isaac (September 2012)

[ReedleBeetle]

Originally Posted by MsWonderful

Good question.... He does have allergies, like weather-outdoor... Hmmm... Idk... He is loud anyways.... Likes noise... Banging, clunking, clashing, smashing... Roaring.... And voicing the famous growls noise, when he's mad. That's my kid, lol

That sounds like a lot of sensory seeking behavior. Proprioceptive, auditory, vocal.....do you notice other sensory behaviors? Either seeking or avoiding?

[Tasmanian Saint]

Sometimes annoying noises can be symptoms of diet intolerances...

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