I Need to Defuse This.

[jenny_islander]

I ask her to do X. Doesn't matter what X is. She says, "Hmpf!" and shuts her eyes and looks away over her shoulder like Greta Garbo posing for a picture, except with a tiny smirk. I'm not sure what to call it--the Mega-Snub?

Then she looks back at me with a bigger smirk to see my reaction. And no matter what I say, it's another "Hmpf!" and the Mega-Snub and the smirk.

That second smirk is where I teeter on the edge of going thermonuclear. The best solution I have come up with so far is sending her to another room--or carrying her to another room if she is really being bratty about it--and getting as much done as I can before I absolutely need her to do whatever it is (pee so we can leave, pick up the mess she made, whatever). which means yelling at her until she screams "FINE!" and does whatever it is. But today, I found myself hissing, "If I were any other mother, I would've slapped you across the face by now!"

I need to stop this. I need better tools for (a) controlling my temper and (b) getting her directed onto a new track. Hopefully one that ends in her doing what I need her to do without me yelling.

Help?

[Teribear]

I'm not sure what to tell you but I will say that I wouldn't beat myself up too badly about what you told her. Its pretty much the truth. I know at a point or two along the way I told DD point blank..."You should consider yourself very fortunate we don't hit in this house because right now I am angry enough to want to."...honestly I think it models some serious self control when they know we're angry enough to hit but we don't.

[MarynMunchkins]

Originally Posted by Teribear

I'm not sure what to tell you but I will say that I wouldn't beat myself up too badly about what you told her. Its pretty much the truth. I know at a point or two along the way I told DD point blank..."You should consider yourself very fortunate we don't hit in this house because right now I am angry enough to want to."...honestly I think it models some serious self control when they know we're angry enough to hit but we don't.

I agree. If you want something less dramatic, you could say "I'm extremely angry and feel very disrespected." But I say things like that to my kids. I think it helps them to know that I get angry enough to hurt someone and choose not to.

[HomeWithMyBabies]

It's times like that I tell myself, "Focus on getting done what needs to be done." Sometimes if I address it, the attitude will just be prolonged and I will get more frustrated, so I go immediately to helping ds accomplish the task, hand over hand if I have to. I make the task or redirection the priority in my mind.

I tend to view it as a stalling method more than outright disrespect and that helps me deal with it. We talk about speaking respectfully after the fact because it seems to help us both keep the issues separate.

[jenny_islander]

I forgot to add that if I offer to help--"Hmpf!" And if I go all the way to hand-over-hand helping, I'm either attempting to "help" a struggling, spitting little cat (who works herself up into a shrieking tantrum or runs away and cries) or manhandling a limp rag doll (who inevitably slumps in a way that leads to a painful bonk and then the shrieking or the crying and running away).

I would like to stop the drama before it starts, if possible. Or at least try to prevent her escalating it.

[swimming with sharks]

I don't have one this age but does if you can't give your best to family no one else gets the rest? fit here? Is it happening over a specific thing or at a specific time? I think admitting you'd like to smack her and yet don't models great self-discipline.

[mamaKristin]

I'm guessing this is your 4 year old? I say that only because it sounds a LOT like my almost 4 year old here, and my almost 3 year old as well

The biggest thing to remember is to not take it personally. Hard not to, I know, but it will only stress you out more if you do. She is most probably testing limits and the power of "self"...on your time.

If you know you are going to get that reaction, you can change your approach. Use "when/then" statements. When you go pee, then we can leave. When you put these shoes on, then we can go out and play. I also (even though it's not always what I want to do) try to be playful. Race to do item X. Set a timer to see how fast you can tidy a room. Offer to help put on her shoes, and then pull out your shoes for her feet. I know when we are laughing, it's a lot easier to get things done. I also sometimes take a playful approach when I get that snubby reaction. "oh my, that doesn't look like my daughter....that rude look looks like it's coming from a cranky dragon. Are you a cranky dragon? You had better breathe some fire for me dragon, so I know it's you and not my little girl!" Often, that will diffuse the tension for us both.

[ArmsOfLove]

I'd say it once then help--make your words have more meaning and don't leave it in her hands to choose to comply. Take the umph out of her hmph

[jenny_islander]

She isn't doing it as often since I started examining my own behavior and:

1. Took a deep breath more often.
2. Remembered to give more advance warnings so she wouldn't be annoyed by being asked to drop everything on short notice.
3. Turned off the stupid TV! I was letting her watch way too much, and it doesn't matter that it's approved videos and PBS, she gets hypnotized, turns into a lump on the couch, and doesn't want to move! And you know what? She plays quite happily with her little sister now. They have been building incredible block towns together, going on pirate adventures, taking care of their doll family . . . I was relying on the Idiot Box to keep her occupied when I had to work on something without interruption--but her sister was plenty old enough for the job.

This tempest in a teacup has been brought to you by Get Off Autopilot and Pay Attention, Mom, Inc.

[tempus vernum]

pee so we can leave, pick up the mess she made, whatever

My advice was going to be to offer transition times "5 minutes until we have to pee and leave." "It's almost time to finish up what you are doing and pick up" etc but you got that.

I know you are finding solutions. But I wanted to comment on something -- it's very helpful to reflect feelings because it shows a child you "hear" what she is "saying" through her posture and behavior. Like this.

"You have crossed your arms and made a 'hmph'. You closed your eyes and looked away. You seem unhappy with the directive I gave you. I know it's hard to stop playing and ______. Mama will help you. Come on."


I wanted to tell a funny anecdote. Note: child is 8 and has been GBD's since 19 months.

Last night, we were going upstairs and DD tells me about some woe she had. I immediately started giving her solutions. She stopped and her face got all red and she repeated herself. Again, I started giving more solutions. Again, she repeated herself. I started to give solutions and her face got all red, she stomped her foot and said it really loud. I started to get annoyed, and a light bulb went off I said "I hear you saying you felt __________ when _________________" and reflected her feelings. INstantly, all the emotion drained off her face and she hugged me and said "Yeah, I did feel that way. thanks mom"

Sometims our kids just want to be heard. They want us to know that we are THERE to hear them and listen. I would seriously try reflecting her feelings. The reason I specified my dd's age is that reflecting feelings is about teaching them about their feelings not solving their problems. Over and over again comment "you seem ______" and explain what you see that they have their _______ face on or describe their body language. They WILL learn their emotions and be able to express them to you as they grow with it

No advice, but I have her twin at my house. hmph and all....

[abbiroads]

good thread, thanks (I have a 4yo too)