New at Gentle Christian parenting, could use pointers

[MsWonderful]

I have a 5 and 6yr old, boys.

Both demanding, using those disrespectful tones. Lots of sibling rivers. Oldest one likes to do stuff to get the youngest mad, which he gets physical, and gets sent to his room, to cool off.... The youngest loves to throw tantrums right now. The oldest is doing what he wants, not listening.

What to do when boys aren't doing as asked, when we are trying to get out the door in the morning for school, they are playing, fighting, hanging all over me while trying to get my shoes on, etc.... This is a challenging point, I get frustrated, how to handle that... I give them reward in car if they are good...

How to handle the back talking, and demanding tone. Oh, the 6yr old put his fist up at me, for a second... Best way to handle that.

Stuff that happens in car...when you are driving...

The sibling rivers stuff...


I did try scripting with them tonight, in response to demanding tones. "Try again, should you have said that to mommy? How should you have said it? And if I couldn't come right to you what should you have done". He did say sorry.

I would say that went well...

Tips on how to help us cool down, when times are challenging, I always call upon the name of The Lord. . For peace in my car or house...

Thanks ladies

[katiekind]

Welcome to GCM! My kids are so much older that I can't remember specific tips, but I do remember that it was not easy! Your scripting was great!

That age of boy is very active and you need to be active, too. One thing I remember discovering with my boys around that age is to remember to go over to the child, put a hand on the shoulder and make pleasant eye contact with him when telling them what I needed him to do. I remember that increased the sense of cooperation. Of course they didn't always respond as I'd hope, but I remember that it was more effective than yelling from the other room. ;-)

I know you'll get other responses more specific to your situation. Mostly just wanted to say welcome!

[MsWonderful]

Thank you . I will do this, in the morning. All prayers welcome.

[ReedleBeetle]

I'm a mom of a singleton, so I don't know that I can help a whole lot on the sibling issues. I did have a second child for 5 months, and learned a lot then, so maybe some of that can help you.

First, I have noticed that around that age boys start needing some *really* physical work. Moving furniture, digging holes, building things that are heavy....work there little rear ends off. Little boys tend to let too much energy come out as disrespect. (Girls might do this too, but it seems more prevalent in the boys we have been around.) If you don't have heavy work, I find climbing and exploring in nature goes a lot further than playing on a playground. It uses more of their mind in the physical endeavors I think.

For sibling type stuff, I found splitting them up helps a lot. I would send them to separate spaces to play and do individual things. They would start 'sneaking' back together and I would 'not see it' because they had to work together to sneak back together....and would play fine again for hours.

Scripting them both in their interactions with you AND with each other can also help a lot. Make sure they know how to communicate clearly with each other.

"When brother does x, he is saying he is done. You need to listen to it. He is saying he is done and needs some space. You can say, 'Brother, I'm sad you are done. I wanted to play more. Would you like to play more later?'

Brother, when Bubs does y and you want him to stop, if you say abc then he will hear you better. If that doesn't work, you may come and get me and I can help you with your words.

Bubs, if you are having trouble understanding Brother, you may come to me and I will help you with your words as well."

However, boys wrestle, and rough house, and fight, really.....and hug each other and move on. I don't get how they can beat each other up and keep on going and loving each other , but when they try and treat girls like that, they do. not. like it.

[Johns_Gal]

I have a 5.5 year old boy. I totally understand, except I just have the one of these people.

I will try to come back later with stuff that helps. Baby passed out on me now, must get her into bed.

[MsWonderful]

Thanks ladies, I will be back to check in, and I can't wait to use these techniques.

[staceylayne]

Can't write much now but I strongly agree on the physical play/work needed for little boys. My newly 7yo antagonizes his sisters terribly when he's bored or antsy. He needs to MOVE a lot every day. If he's particularly out of sorts it helps for DH or I to engage him in a good wrestle game on our big bed. That often helps him settle a bit. He's also an absolute bear when he's hungry. So...I try to keep the beast fed.

Seconding Kathy on the physical touch and kind eye contact to accompany corrections or directions. Makes a huge difference.

Good work on the scripting! Once they have had good practice with what type of responses you desire you should be able to often simply say "try again" to jump start their little brains into finding better ways to express themselves. Of course when emotions are high you might need to go back to feeding them the proper words, but you'll see improvement over time.

Finally, loose teeth and emerging molars can often make kids extra edgy, so keep and eye out and treat for tooth pain if needed.

[L-Boogie]

Agreeing on the scripting! On the rare occasion that my girls won't cooperate with scripting, I separate them. If they are not speaking respectfully to me, we take a quick break from each other and then I check in with them and see if they're ready to speak respectfully, usually i offer a hug and to listen to how they're feeling.

I teach them how to make amends by replacing hurtful words with kind words and hurtful actions with kind actions (the offending sibling gets the hurt sibling whatever they say will help them feel better - favorite stuffed animal, ice pack, drink of water, back rub, snack, a hug, game of their choice, give back toy that was taken)

Be consistent in teaching respectful communication and require it and they will get it

Make sure they're getting enough exercise, food, water and potty breaks too

[Codi]

Do you like to read? One of my favorite sibling books is "Siblings Without Rivalry"

[deena]

The way a lot of us learned from GCM was just continually posting about situations as they arose, so feel free to keep the questions coming and start new threads.

[Pearl In Oyster]

. I'll have two boys 22 months apart and so want to read along for learning!

[MsWonderful]

So, today went well... Morning smooth, and with the sibling stuff, one child yelled at the other, and he threw a toy at him... I said "say brother please don't yell at me" and to brother "say your sorry for yelling", but he wasn't ready, so I said "when your done cleaning room, I want you to go tell your brother sorry for yelling, I think you may be ready by then".... And I said to the toy thrower "say your sorry to you threw a toy at him".... Later, the brother was ready to apologize, and I had them hug.

What I am finding with gentle parenting... Is I feel better about me, and the outcome. I feel like they are learning how to react, instead of how to stay out of time out, etc... You don't feel out of control, because instead of disciplining you are teaching, wish I would have found this site a few years ago.... But I am praising The Lord for crossing your patches now.

Schedule in morning helps, and having rewards in car, during short morning car ride. When they start to bicker in car, starting games like 'I see something you don't see'.

I have came along way with creativity, and rewards. Joyce Meyers quote "I am not where I want to be, but thanking The Lord I am not where I used to be."

Thanks ladies, so thankful for the support!

[staceylayne]

So glad to hear you are seeing some positive results already! I totally agree about feeling better about how *I* am handling myself...hopefully setting a good example even when the savages are running wild.

[MsWonderful]

Spell check changes my words, and at times it doesn't read the way I typed it, lol,

---------- Post added at 09:35 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:31 PM ----------

Yes, hopefully sooo. God is good.

[ReedleBeetle]

Great!!! It is so nice to be using scripts and feeling like you have words to give them.

I have a few tips on the scripts if you would like. I will spoiler, in case you are not interested.

Some alternative scripts that would give the boys more words are scripts that allow them to own and identify their reactions and feelings.

Thrower: I was really frustrated that you yelled at me! I felt like I was doing my best and it hurt my feelings. I'm sorry I threw the toy. I could have asked you to use a calm voice and tell me what you needed me to do.

Yeller: I didn't want to have to do this all by myself and felt like you were playing around too much. I'm sorry I yelled. I could have just asked for your help with xyz.


Having them say their sorry doesn't really give them tools to behave correctly. Once they have tools, they can see how what they chose was not the best and can feel genuinely sorry, but until they are at that point, they will be more likely to feel justified and not truly sorry.

Sounds like you are all making some fast work of the changes! Keep it up!