Pregnant friend is pro spanking

[booboo]

A friend of mine, who lives far away from me, is expecting her first child after 3 years of trying to conceive. (fertility drugs, surgery, etc. for this to happen) The other day I spoke to her on the phone and went into about discipline and how the Bible doesn't teach about spanking. I recommended Sears' The Discipline Book, and that I'd never recommend Dobson's. She told me "you know how I love Dobson and I have no problem with him." I didn't know she loved Dobson and I have a hard time respecting the man myself. She said to me that we can all live with different opinions. But I feel this is so critical. Not that I'm exactly a role model mom, I'm not even close. I've messed up big time with my kids more than once. But every day I'm trying to do better.

I feel like, how can I support her. When you're pregnant you need support, not lectures. You want to deal with things the way you feel is best. Right now she's more focused on getting things ready for her baby (due in November). I guess I should just avoid the issue for now?

I feel so upset about her with this. She's never even noticed Dobson's extreme views on discipline. She's a long time friend even though it's been like long distance and I treasure her friendship. With the way she talks, I don't think I can get through to her. "you have your opinion and I have mine"

[Allison]

Pray for her. I have a few friends who refuse to accept my help but struggle with their children--all pro-spanking. I've provided information, showed them how it works, etc. All I can do now is pray!

well, I can relate to your obstinate, pregnant friend cuz I used to be one . I always acted like I wasn't paying attention, but I remembered everything people said. I acted like a big know it all and played off everything-but I would think about what people said afterwards. I'm not saying that was the best way to go obviously (from my standpoint), but maybe just casually talking about things might spark some interest (or at least she'll remember somebody mentioning it). Sometimes topics like spanking and discipline don't seem that important when you're not in the throes of it. But don't give up.
Vicki

[Tengokujin]

The first time I heard an anti-spanking comment from a Christian I was But it began a long thought process, and you very well may have started a process in her.

Also, a dear friend of mine and I were pregnant together and talked about EVERYTHING. But when I started to share my examination of spanking and more gentle approaches, a barrier came into our friendship. I was so sad, because we had been soo on the same page with everything, including spiritual. Turns out she had Ezzo teacher friends and was at that time quite taken with their results. By the time our kids were born, it was a bit uncomfortable. I was BFing on cue, and responding quickly to cries--she was , well, being more restrained

Fast forward to this November. Praise God, she had become more and more uncomfortable with the lack of grace with her Ezzo friends, especially in their comments about her daughter, and had been encouraged by her husband to think more for herself. She finally told her friends that she would appreciate it if they would extend some grace to her and assume that God had given her her DD and that she would decide how to handle things. She isn't a gentle mommie yet, but she turned from where she was headed and is thinking and open now. And our friendship is healed. And I am all teary just writing about it.

A negative beginning doesn't mean you did the wrong thing!! Let your friend observe acceptance and gentleness in you--you never know where it will end.

[ChristmasGirl]

well, i was pro-spanking until i actually had a child to discipline, and realized that it wasn't working, and that it really went against the core of my being. THEN I was hungry to try and find someone that could show me a different way (and it wasn't easy to find). So perhaps she will come to the point where she is open to other ideas, and when she does, she'll know where to go

Would she be open to hearing from you about some AP ideas that might eventually lead her into gentle parenting? Perhaps the discipline issue is just not where she's at.

This article http://www.fix.net/~rprewett/womantowoman.html woman to woman really impacted me as a young mom, and this one by Rebecca Prewett http://www.fix.net/~rprewett/shadow.html about mothering in the shadow of the cross is a great one too. even if you don't have her read these, it might give you some ideas of what areas you can bring into your conversations about motherhood. she has some other good articles at http://www.fix.net/~rprewett/fam2.html (sorry if i'm driving you crazy with the links, i just think they're treasures!)

I love the saying about building bridges of love that can hold the weight of truth. I think that loving your friend right where she's at and genuinely caring about her will go a long ways towards her listening to you in the future

Hey, I was majorly pro-spanking and loved Dobson 'cause my mom did all through my pregnancy until my eighth month when I read The Baby Book by Dr. Sears. Don't worry--pray for her.

[AprilBr]

Before I had Rachel I was pro-spanking. While I was still pregnant with her my fil asked if he could spank her (not in the womb of course). I said, "yeah sure". But after she was born that all changed. My mentality changed, no one was going to lay a hurting hand on my child. And to this day because of that and other insensitive things he tends to say and do, it is very stressful for me to be around him. I let him get to me and it changes my behavior...but I am working on that. I wish I had a close friend to talk about gentle discipline with before and after she was born.

First, I would pray for her. I would hope she wouldn't spank her baby, so you have a few years to help her. You could tell her my experience w/ Dobson. My father listened to him and spanked my brother and I as Dobson suggested. Well, fast forward to our teen years and needless to say, those were rough years. I was so terrible that they kicked my out of the house at 18 and my brother got arrested numerous times for dealing drugs. By the grace of God we both have recovered, but I really think that the spankings we had as children certainly didn't help.

[MarynMunchkins]

Honestly, I wouldn't bring it up again. First of all, because she's pregnant and she doesn't have a child to spank. A lot of things change once you actually hold that baby in your arms. Secondly, because talking to someone who already has their mind made up usually just strenghtens their resolve. Just keep being a gentle example, and be there as much as you can once the baby is actually here.

[Embracing Grace]

I was very pro-spaking Dobson fan (and basically anti-ap) before ds was born (he's our first). But everything changed when he was born! Looking down on my little angel I just knew in my gut that it was wrong. I think that it's a good idea for you to just pray for her. Pray that her God-given maternal instinct kicks in and her world is turned upside down (in a good way, lol). In her heart, as a mother, she will know that spanking is not a good method.

JMO.

[cheri]

Honestly, I wouldn't bring it up again. First of all, because she's pregnant and she doesn't have a child to spank. A lot of things change once you actually hold that baby in your arms. Secondly, because talking to someone who already has their mind made up usually just strenghtens their resolve. Just keep being a gentle example, and be there as much as you can once the baby is actually here.

I completely agree. If she asks for any books you recommend, you can recommend a Sears book, which are pretty mainstream. Otherwise, just pray. The last thing you probably need to do is be in her face about it constantly.

[booboo]

Thanks so much. It bothers me that after all these conversations with her, she just listened and supported my viewpoint. But never really gave her opinion about what she believes. It's hard having a long distance friendship. The last time I actually saw her was nearly 3 years ago; both were still in diapers! (one was almost potty trained)

I think for now, I'll just try to be there for her with her pregnancy. Answer any questions about that, basic baby care, things in that nature. She knows where I stand on discipline and I could pray that other gcm moms or mom types are sent her way.

I agree with many of the great comments already made. Also wanted to add that encouraging her in other AP areas would be a wonderful things to do.

I personally believe one of the key factors in my changing to gentle discipline was that I was very attached and bonded with my first son when he was a baby. When I started being punitive, nothing made sense anymore... there was this bond, but I had to pull away or just hurt SO MUCH every time I was harsh with him.... And having started AP really helped me to justify thinking about his POV and seeing things through his eyes.

I would really encourage her in things like nursing, responding to cries, slinging, physical affection.... maybe those things won't push so many buttons and will help her form enough of an attachment to her child that her Mommy "gut" will tell her something's not right about the spanking.

Encourage her to trust her own instincts, and talk about how miraculous it is that God made Mommies so incredibly capable of caring for their UNIQUE little ones... those ideas are really important if she's going to part ways with Ezzo.

[Reva]

I haven't really read all of the comments, but i just wanted to say that hopefully she'll change her mind when the baby actually comes. When I was pg w/ dd, I was really "pro" spanking, I just didn't know of any other way. I was abused as a child, and just assumed (b/c I had been told) that if you don't hit, you will spoil your child. It didn't take me long to figure out that was WRONG. I said a lot of things when I was pg that never turned out to be that way. (I have since learned to *not* say "My child will never _____" b/c it always happens! ) So just keep praying for your friend and explain to her how you do things when it's appropriate.

Pray for your friend.
We all have to make our own mistakes on this parenting journey. It's admittedly hard watching other people make mistakes we could "save" them from. But then they wouldn't learn.
I can hear me giving myself this speech about my dc in a few years.