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05-14-2015, 02:18 PM | #16 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 5,187
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Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?
I've set out to type a response to this a couple of times, but I've been thwarted by my life.
Anyway, I have to say that I think this is a difference in individual and/or cultural/regional preferences. I heard an interesting podcast recently about British vs. U.S. English language and cultural practices. One very enlightening piece of the conversation was about how people in the U.S. enact politeness vs. how people in England enact politeness. U.S. politeness often involves making eye contact and smiling at strangers. British politeness involves keeping your eyes down and giving strangers their space. These are, of course, huge generalizations, but I think they can apply to different personality types or regions of the U.S. What one person considers presumptuous, another might consider an offering of friendship.
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05-14-2015, 02:24 PM | #17 |
Deactivated
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: pnw
Posts: 8,571
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Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?
I guess whether or not it's rude I keep thinking of what Gavin de Becker would say... she hasn't seen your home, hasnt met your husband or knows if any other people are living there. This kind of stuff makes me cringe bc that's how children get hurt. I know not everyone reads PTG. But well they should. For me -bc someone would ask me for their child to come over without knowing those things would make me more on the look out with this home and more cautious when if ever I let my kid over there. .......
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05-14-2015, 03:04 PM | #18 | |
Rose Trellis
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,313
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Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?
Quote:
It's not JUST the question that makes it presumptuous. In this instance, it's the question coupled with the lack of familiarity with one another. I don't think either my parents or my BF's parents would have blinked if the other parent asked if the child could spend the night for the reason stated. With Pragmatists list of presumptuous questions, I think ANY amount of familiarity would still make those presumptuous. |
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05-14-2015, 04:19 PM | #19 |
Rose Garden
I <3 these cuties!
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: WI
Posts: 16,728
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Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?
I would find it odd and maybe a little annoying to be put on the spot, but I wouldn't be shocked by it knowing that some people think sleepovers are just a no big deal part of childhood. A lot of people say that when they were kids their parents let them sleep over at friends' houses when they didn't know the parents well, but most people have also heard stories about how that didn't end well for a lot of people, too.
unless there was an emergency of some kind, I probably would not allow the child of a person I barely knew to sleep over. (I remember one time when I slept over at a good friend of mine's house, whose parents my parents had never met since we were friends from school. Mothers spoke on the phone about sleepover. It turns out the father was an alcoholic and he ended up screaming profanities and iirc landing a blow on one of his kids that night. I don't want my kids in that kind of situation, or worse, as molestation by family members is not unheard of. Bringing a child of unknown background into your child's bed or bedroom also opens them up to being victimized if the child acts out abuse they've suffered) Last edited by SamRose; 05-18-2015 at 04:47 AM. |
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05-14-2015, 08:14 PM | #20 | |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 16,108
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Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?
Quote:
That book is on my book shelf. I keep saying that I need to skim through it again! Been at least 5 yrs since I have read it. ---------- Post added at 03:14 AM ---------- Previous post was at 03:11 AM ---------- I'm just done, unless the child has been over to play several times, including inside, it is not happening.
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05-14-2015, 08:19 PM | #21 |
Rose Garden
Why climb a mountain? Because it's there!
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Selkirk Mountains
Posts: 52,860
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Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?
I was taught to never, ever invite myself over. Ever. Now, as kids we did plan things and talk about who's house wad more fun for a specific activity and then the hosting kid would ask her mom, first, then call the invited 's mom.
If I was asking a good friend to have my child, I would do so knowing I was asking a favor, and word it accordingly. All safety issues aside regarding sleepers, I still think it's considered impolite to invite oneself to someone else's house. |
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05-14-2015, 10:09 PM | #22 |
Rose Garden
Immerse your soul in love.
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Victoria, BC
Posts: 17,605
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Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?
I'd find it odd. Id say yes, depending on how much my check I want to play with that child. Just have poor social skills.
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Manda Mama to: Bear 16.75 Funny and Tender. Larger than life. ENFP Max 14 Affectionate and Spirited. Artist Chickadee 8! She's Sunshine and Song. Born in the caul We have a fur baby. A cat called Charlie |
05-15-2015, 02:55 AM | #23 |
Climbing Rose
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,144
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Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?
I have had a person I knew from church ask if daughter could sleep over, "B. wants to know if she can sleep over your house tonight?" and I have had kids (young & tweens) ask for themselves. It is always awkward/uncomfortable for me.
We have a no sleepover rule, except for certain family members. It just makes life easier, "I'm sorry, we don't do sleepovers. We'd love to have B. over for a couple of hours on Saturday though." IMO, there are just way too many risks involved. I was put in some uncomfortable situations as a child on sleepovers. I have spent the majority of my working career with trauma survivors, so... you get the picture.
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Joyful AP SAHM to 4 amazing children. Celebrating 23 years of marriage to my best friend. "Today is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it." |
05-15-2015, 04:56 AM | #24 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Virginia
Posts: 11,512
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Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?
I would guess that 1- childhood sleepovers are normal for her and 2- she's a little socially awkward or uncouth 3 - she likes you and wants your DD's to be better friends.
Which doesn't mean you shouldn't say no, in fact, I think you should say no but maybe just try not to judge her too harshly for asking and not close any doors of friendship because of this.
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05-15-2015, 05:06 AM | #25 | ||
Rose Garden
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 16,108
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Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?
Quote:
We can have her over more during the day. ---------- Post added at 12:06 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:03 PM ---------- Quote:
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k-i-loyd, not kill loyd ISFJ/P Katherine, married 8-9-97 ds1 22 (adding a dil in August!) dd1 18 dd2 16 ds2 10 |
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05-15-2015, 05:11 AM | #26 | |
Rose Garden
trying to live like olaf "this is the best day of my life!... and quite possibly the last!"
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: in the sunshine with my own personal flurry
Posts: 9,563
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Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?
Quote:
anyway keep typing out a long explanation but i don't have it in me.
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Amanda, ENFJ Mommy to my bounty: ds 13 years, dd 12 years, dd 9 years , dd 6 and ds 4 Psalm 13 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?How long will you hide your face from me? 2 How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?....because I am shaken. 5 But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. 6 I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me. |
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05-15-2015, 06:00 AM | #27 | |
Rose Garden
Rich in girls.
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Perth hills, Australia
Posts: 6,912
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Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?
Quote:
On one rare occasion (I was flying out of the country for a funeral and DH had to work late one night) I asked someone we knew well enough for my 2 older DDs to sleepover (same age as their) but I made it very clear it was a huge favor and express my gratitude for helping us out. Looking back too, my mother wasn't really on top things. I remember spending time with some friends including sleeping over and our parents never spoke to each other ever, permission was arranged via the friends and me to our respective parents. I guess it made my mother's life easier not to fuss herself over those details. But nothing bad ever happened to me.
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A traditional Catholic mamma ISFJ, DYT Type 2/1, Steiner-inspired mother to: Sweet Pea-DD1, Jan 04, 1/4 Tiger Lily-DD2, Jan 06, 2/1 Buttercup-DD3, Feb 08, 2/4 Dandelion-DD4, Nov 10, 2/3 Honeysuckle-DD5 March 13, 2/4 And there is DH too, ISTJ, DYT 4/2, I think! |
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05-15-2015, 10:58 AM | #28 | |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 16,108
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Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?
Quote:
My grumpiness comes from when a friend is over then the 2 yr old wants to do whatever they are doing and they don't always want the 2 yr old with them. I'll also feel better about sleep overs when my youngest sleeps all night!
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k-i-loyd, not kill loyd ISFJ/P Katherine, married 8-9-97 ds1 22 (adding a dil in August!) dd1 18 dd2 16 ds2 10 |
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05-15-2015, 12:38 PM | #29 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 8,764
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Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?
People are generally presumptuous, IMHO. I just don't have a problem saying no and not feeling guilty about it. No more headspace given.
Course, I have been in a situation where another parent then tried to guilt me over my response about how disappointed their child would be. That makes me pull way back so fast. Nope. That's awkward. |
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