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Old 05-14-2015, 02:18 PM   #16
MidnightCafe
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Default Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?

I've set out to type a response to this a couple of times, but I've been thwarted by my life.

Anyway, I have to say that I think this is a difference in individual and/or cultural/regional preferences. I heard an interesting podcast recently about British vs. U.S. English language and cultural practices. One very enlightening piece of the conversation was about how people in the U.S. enact politeness vs. how people in England enact politeness. U.S. politeness often involves making eye contact and smiling at strangers. British politeness involves keeping your eyes down and giving strangers their space. These are, of course, huge generalizations, but I think they can apply to different personality types or regions of the U.S. What one person considers presumptuous, another might consider an offering of friendship.
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Old 05-14-2015, 02:24 PM   #17
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Default Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?

I guess whether or not it's rude I keep thinking of what Gavin de Becker would say... she hasn't seen your home, hasnt met your husband or knows if any other people are living there. This kind of stuff makes me cringe bc that's how children get hurt. I know not everyone reads PTG. But well they should. For me -bc someone would ask me for their child to come over without knowing those things would make me more on the look out with this home and more cautious when if ever I let my kid over there. .......
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Old 05-14-2015, 03:04 PM   #18
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Default Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?

Quote:
Originally Posted by houseforjoy View Post
okay point taken yes those would be presumptuous questions.

i guess it just depends on what you are used to. afwiw my kids have only ever done one sleepover once with relatives. but growing up my mom didn't know all my friends parents before i went over. when you meet kids at school the moms don't always know each other that well.
My mom didn't know my friends families well, or in some cases at all, & vice versa. The thing was, whenever there was a sleepover it was always the hosting child who asked the hosted child & then parental agreement was sought. For me at least, my mom's permission was sought BEFORE I asked my friend so only her parental permission was sought. Even with my best friend whose parents my mom knew well & vice versa, I, nor my mother, would ever have asked if I could stay over there & her family would have been the same.

It's not JUST the question that makes it presumptuous. In this instance, it's the question coupled with the lack of familiarity with one another. I don't think either my parents or my BF's parents would have blinked if the other parent asked if the child could spend the night for the reason stated.

With Pragmatists list of presumptuous questions, I think ANY amount of familiarity would still make those presumptuous.
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Old 05-14-2015, 04:19 PM   #19
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Default Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?

I would find it odd and maybe a little annoying to be put on the spot, but I wouldn't be shocked by it knowing that some people think sleepovers are just a no big deal part of childhood. A lot of people say that when they were kids their parents let them sleep over at friends' houses when they didn't know the parents well, but most people have also heard stories about how that didn't end well for a lot of people, too.
unless there was an emergency of some kind, I probably would not allow the child of a person I barely knew to sleep over.
(I remember one time when I slept over at a good friend of mine's house, whose parents my parents had never met since we were friends from school. Mothers spoke on the phone about sleepover. It turns out the father was an alcoholic and he ended up screaming profanities and iirc landing a blow on one of his kids that night. I don't want my kids in that kind of situation, or worse, as molestation by family members is not unheard of. Bringing a child of unknown background into your child's bed or bedroom also opens them up to being victimized if the child acts out abuse they've suffered)

Last edited by SamRose; 05-18-2015 at 04:47 AM.
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Old 05-14-2015, 08:14 PM   #20
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Default Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?

Quote:
Originally Posted by 3PeasInAPod View Post
I guess whether or not it's rude I keep thinking of what Gavin de Becker would say... she hasn't seen your home, hasnt met your husband or knows if any other people are living there. This kind of stuff makes me cringe bc that's how children get hurt. I know not everyone reads PTG. But well they should. For me -bc someone would ask me for their child to come over without knowing those things would make me more on the look out with this home and more cautious when if ever I let my kid over there. .......


That book is on my book shelf. I keep saying that I need to skim through it again! Been at least 5 yrs since I have read it.

---------- Post added at 03:14 AM ---------- Previous post was at 03:11 AM ----------

I'm just done, unless the child has been over to play several times, including inside, it is not happening.
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Old 05-14-2015, 08:19 PM   #21
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Default Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?

I was taught to never, ever invite myself over. Ever. Now, as kids we did plan things and talk about who's house wad more fun for a specific activity and then the hosting kid would ask her mom, first, then call the invited 's mom.

If I was asking a good friend to have my child, I would do so knowing I was asking a favor, and word it accordingly.

All safety issues aside regarding sleepers, I still think it's considered impolite to invite oneself to someone else's house.
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Old 05-14-2015, 10:09 PM   #22
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Default Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?

I'd find it odd. Id say yes, depending on how much my check I want to play with that child. Just have poor social skills.
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Old 05-15-2015, 02:55 AM   #23
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Default Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?

I have had a person I knew from church ask if daughter could sleep over, "B. wants to know if she can sleep over your house tonight?" and I have had kids (young & tweens) ask for themselves. It is always awkward/uncomfortable for me.

We have a no sleepover rule, except for certain family members. It just makes life easier, "I'm sorry, we don't do sleepovers. We'd love to have B. over for a couple of hours on Saturday though." IMO, there are just way too many risks involved. I was put in some uncomfortable situations as a child on sleepovers. I have spent the majority of my working career with trauma survivors, so... you get the picture.
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Old 05-15-2015, 04:56 AM   #24
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Default Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?

I would guess that 1- childhood sleepovers are normal for her and 2- she's a little socially awkward or uncouth 3 - she likes you and wants your DD's to be better friends.

Which doesn't mean you shouldn't say no, in fact, I think you should say no but maybe just try not to judge her too harshly for asking and not close any doors of friendship because of this.
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Old 05-15-2015, 05:06 AM   #25
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Default Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?

Quote:
Originally Posted by AngelaVA View Post
I would guess that 1- childhood sleepovers are normal for her and 2- she's a little socially awkward or uncouth 3 - she likes you and wants your DD's to be better friends.

Which doesn't mean you shouldn't say no, in fact, I think you should say no but maybe just try not to judge her too harshly for asking and not close any doors of friendship because of this.
Yes, this. The mom did say her dd doesn't have any friends.

We can have her over more during the day.

---------- Post added at 12:06 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:03 PM ----------

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soliloquy View Post
I was taught to never, ever invite myself over. Ever. Now, as kids we did plan things and talk about who's house wad more fun for a specific activity and then the hosting kid would ask her mom, first, then call the invited 's mom.

If I was asking a good friend to have my child, I would do so knowing I was asking a favor, and word it accordingly.

All safety issues aside regarding sleepers, I still think it's considered impolite to invite oneself to someone else's house.
I think it is only okay to invite yourself over with good friends. I have a new friend in my town that we have hit it off really well. After several park meet ups and then her being over here and me being over to her house, I did one day say when my older three were going to be gone, "I want to invite myself over next week for one of the days that the kids are gone. " I only did this because I knew it was okay.
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Old 05-15-2015, 05:11 AM   #26
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Default Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?

Quote:
Originally Posted by kiloyd View Post
Yes, this. The mom did say her dd doesn't have any friends.

We can have her over more during the day.

---------- Post added at 12:06 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:03 PM ----------



I think it is only okay to invite yourself over with good friends. I have a new friend in my town that we have hit it off really well. After several park meet ups and then her being over here and me being over to her house, I did one day say when my older three were going to be gone, "I want to invite myself over next week for one of the days that the kids are gone. " I only did this because I knew it was okay.
i've kinda gone thru this with one of my kids, and it is heartbreaking. really. so when they do get a friend sometimes it is easy to do/ask things you normally wouldn't do.

anyway keep typing out a long explanation but i don't have it in me.
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Old 05-15-2015, 06:00 AM   #27
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Default Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soliloquy View Post
I was taught to never, ever invite myself over. Ever. Now, as kids we did plan things and talk about who's house wad more fun for a specific activity and then the hosting kid would ask her mom, first, then call the invited 's mom.

If I was asking a good friend to have my child, I would do so knowing I was asking a favor, and word it accordingly.

All safety issues aside regarding sleepers, I still think it's considered impolite to invite oneself to someone else's house.
Same here, but when we were kids, I would try to sometimes figure out how to get someone to invite me over without the parents knowing it was my idea.

On one rare occasion (I was flying out of the country for a funeral and DH had to work late one night) I asked someone we knew well enough for my 2 older DDs to sleepover (same age as their) but I made it very clear it was a huge favor and express my gratitude for helping us out.

Looking back too, my mother wasn't really on top things. I remember spending time with some friends including sleeping over and our parents never spoke to each other ever, permission was arranged via the friends and me to our respective parents. I guess it made my mother's life easier not to fuss herself over those details. But nothing bad ever happened to me.
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Old 05-15-2015, 10:58 AM   #28
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Default Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?

Quote:
Originally Posted by houseforjoy View Post
i've kinda gone thru this with one of my kids, and it is heartbreaking. really. so when they do get a friend sometimes it is easy to do/ask things you normally wouldn't do.

anyway keep typing out a long explanation but i don't have it in me.
This girl seems sweet. I'll try and include her some once school is out , in 3 weeks.

My grumpiness comes from when a friend is over then the 2 yr old wants to do whatever they are doing and they don't always want the 2 yr old with them.

I'll also feel better about sleep overs when my youngest sleeps all night!
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Old 05-15-2015, 12:38 PM   #29
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Default Re: Inviting yourself for a sleep over?

People are generally presumptuous, IMHO. I just don't have a problem saying no and not feeling guilty about it. No more headspace given.

Course, I have been in a situation where another parent then tried to guilt me over my response about how disappointed their child would be. That makes me pull way back so fast. Nope. That's awkward.
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