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Old 06-14-2012, 03:41 AM   #76
Climbing Rose
Mama to two little sweetpeas and loving wife to my Darling tech buff
Join Date: Dec 2006
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Default Re: I need to say a few things about the idea of defiance

Originally Posted by ArmsOfLove View Post
I would be doing some major character training I would be reading stories with morals, talking about consequences, sitting with them and setting consequences and then imposing them. I encounter this with my 8yo. I do try to remember that 8-10 is *pre* logic so they are *starting* to get it--not totally getting it yet. And I totally see the difference in what it looks like when my 8yo does something as opposed to that same child wen he was 7. Ames and Ilg does have "Your 8/9/10 year old" because these are still very foundational developmental years.

Thjis is the time I'm talking to my 8yo about the man he wants to become. I'm talking about developing good, Godly habits. I sat and talked to him about how God wants him to honor his father and mother because it makes things good for HIM--not for me. That I want him to honor me because God wants him to honor me because, like God, *I* want what is best for HIM! We've talked about what is sin, we've talked about how he was born with a sin nature that inclines him towards wanting to do what he wants but God wants him to learn how to live a holy and Godly life and that means not pursuing that sin. One example I've shared before was when he, a few times when we were out, sneaked food he had been told was not for him. The time he did it in his aunt and uncle's home and she told me (she wasn't upset because it was food for the party but she was concerned because she knew he wasn't supposed to have it and she said when she walked into the room where he was alone he jumped, looked guilty, and then threw it away saying he was done and getting rid of it" So I took him outside and we sat for a minute and I confronted him--speaking the truth in love. I told him that I knew what he had done, and told him what he'd done, and asked him to admit it which he did. Then I explained what sin is--that impulse he feels to do what he wants even when he knows not to. I asked how he feels when he gives in to that--we talked about feeling dirty in your heart because you have done something wrong and need to hide it, how it separates us because he is worried about me finding out. I prompted him with questions, talked about parables and teachings of Jesus. He asked me questions. I talked about how when I give him treat he gets to enjoy them with a clean heart He agreed that feels better. And I talked to him about how I want him to feel good in his heart I then talked to him about how doing this in his aunt's house, and her finding him, wronged her and he owed her a debt he needed to make amends for. We talked about how he could apologize and ask forgiveness and when he asked me if I would say it for him I reflected and validated his embarrassed feelings , and affirmed that he was old enough and brave enough to do this So I walked with him, held his shoulders, and he apologized and asked forgiveness of his aunt Then I took him and hugged him and told him how proud I was of him, asked if his heart now felt clean or dirty, and then helped him find some yummy treat that he could eat. I also reflected and affirmed how important it is for kids his age to have treats and said that I would try harder to make even more treats or arrange for yummy stuff in our daily lives and at parties especially

The problem with punishments, not that I think you are suggesting that I hear you just asking what *to* do But the problem with punishments is that they break communication. I could not have had this conversation with a child who was fuming in his heart because he had just been punished or knew punishment was coming. That would distract him in both his heart and his thoughts. The ugly in his heart would be anger at me, not the natural consequence of guilt that I can talk about from the same team perspective.
THIS really, really helps me! , Crystal!!!
Wife to beloved DH since 2002 (the BIG *1-0* Anniversary this year!), , Mom to Nobu 7y(12.05) & Meg 5y(6.08)
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Old 06-17-2012, 04:24 PM   #77
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Default Re: I need to say a few things about the idea of defiance

Originally Posted by canadiyank View Post
You know, one thing that helped me was to reframe "giving in" to "reconsidering my options." I mean, we do that all the time with our families. Plans change, that doesn't mean we're giving in, it means things have changed due to circumstances. Hope that makes sense. There's times to hold your ground, but there's also times when it makes better sense "reconsidering our options."

I tend to go punitive-minded really quickly, so ITU.
Originally Posted by ArmsOfLove View Post
ITA with Meghan. *I* am the mom--if *I* choose to take into account new information (whether it be that this brand is cheaper than another when I go shopping or it's nap time and I realize you're not tired or overtired and I need to approach this differently) that is ME making a choice. I would suggest if it feels like giving it the answer isn't to not do it, but to find more strength in your inner power and make a conscious choice--and then own it
Thank you for this perspective. I've been feeling a bit at odds with my husband wrt the idea of "giving in" when something is not working.

This really helps.
~ judith
blessed with a creative, encouraging man of God for my husband since October 2001
blessed with a delightful, creative little girl since February 2008
blessed with a sweet {but sometimes fierce} empathetic little girl since April 2010

word on the street is I am an ENFP

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
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