What changed your perspective?

[SnowWhite]

What did someone say/do that helped change your perspective?

I have a friend who said something along the lines of how she'd never expect a child to do something that she wouldn't expect an adult to do. I really thought about that and it helped change me from treating my children like less than to real people who deserve respect and grace. It really helped change my heart and gave me the tools to think about how I parent as a whole.

[beansmama]

This basic argument:

If Proverbs is literal, then you need to beat your 2 year old on the back with a large stick. But that would bruise or break their back and is illegal. So, obviously it's not literal. So, if it's not literal, why are you hitting them?

[tigerlily]

A few weeks ago, I was reading my dd1 the parable of the man who tells his son to go work in the field. The son says "No, I'm not going to," but later goes and does it. The father tells the other son to go work in the field and he says "Yes, I will.", but never goes.

Jesus asked "Which son obeyed the father?"



Delayed obedience is obedience. No need to punish or get fussy about it -- if my child does what I ask -- even if it doesn't happen in my time frame, she has obeyed.

Despite already "knowning" this, it was definitely a moment that changed my perspective.

[Elora]

http://gentlechristianmothers.com/co...d.php?t=203777

[JoEllen]

For me personally, I know first-hand what it feels like to have a "simple" spanking escalate to full-blown abuse at the hands of the people you are supposed to love and trust the most. I always swore I would never raise a hand to my children.

[november]

I always thought I would spank. I knew I would. I thought non-spankers were the cause for all evil in the world....eyeroll. When I was.pregnant, I saw one person make the statement that adults don't get to hit eachother when we mess up, so why are we allowed to hit our kids? Furthermore, she mentioned how contradictory it is. I can hit you (child) but you can't hit me. It just makes no logical sense. And that's when the wheels started turning and Lexi told me about GCM.

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[charla]

I was mulling over Psalm 23 and the verse that states: Your rod and your staff, they comfort me. I was trying to figure out how the rod could be a comfort if it was used to hit. That got me started on a search about the rod which led me to GCM.

[blondie]

I always planned to spank too. We had actually started the "flicking" thing when O was pretty young. She was so sweet and I could see the innocence in her eyes and reason with her at a really young age, so I stopped. People at our church really push and pressure to do the "training" and thankfully I saw the light before it got very far.

---------- Post added at 11:37 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:36 PM ----------

I guess that didn't answer your question...I guess no one really said or did anything. I just had a heart change/lightbulb moment. I grew up a lot and became my own person instead of just doing what everyone else at church was doing, or what my parents said I should do.

[SnowWhite]

Originally Posted by blondie

---------- Post added at 11:37 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:36 PM ----------

[/COLOR]I guess that didn't answer your question...I guess no one really said or did anything. I just had a heart change/lightbulb moment. I grew up a lot and became my own person instead of just doing what everyone else at church was doing, or what my parents said I should do.

That's okay. Thanks for your answer!

We weren't spanking family when my friend said that to me, but I felt like it really challenged me to treat my child with a lot of grace, instead of finding different ways to control my children with fear, KWIM? Personally, I should add that my sister told me about GCM before I even had kids.

[PDX Mommy]

Probably the biggest thing for me was finding GCM. I already knew I didn't want to spank but I didn't know what else to do. I did time outs for a bit when Evan was really young (too young to understand them). But I have also experienced a "simple" spanking turn to abuse. I didn't want that for my kids. GCM gave me reasoning and the words to back up my decision.

[ReadingMommy]

Before I had kids, I just assumed we would spank because that's what I was raised with and that's what I was told the Bible required. (I remember, though, telling DH that I didn't want to and I was going to make him do it! Which I really can't see. DH is naturally more gentle than I am!)

Once DS was born, a couple things happened. First, something that's sensitive (At least for me. I hate thinking about it):

PPD...with me it took the form of severe anxiety. I was on a relentless hamster wheel of OCD thoughts about harm coming to my sweet baby and it was the most awful thing I've ever experienced. But it wasn't an experience that drove a wedge in between me and DS, thankfully. On the contrary, the only good thing I can say about it is that it made me even more fiercely protective of him. I tuned myself completely into his frequency and let all my natural, intuitive mommy love take the reigns. That stress, along with some other major situational stress at the time was making much of my life a living hell, but DS was my true joy and I knew I loved him more than life. Nothing and nobody was going to come between me and him. And I absolutely knew, without a doubt, after experiencing what I did that I would never intentionally physically hurt my child. It hit too close to the nightmares incessantly barraging me during my PPD experience

Secondly, I found GCM around that time (even though I didn't join until last year), and everything clicked into place. The rod studies confirmed for me that spanking is not a biblical requirement, and I was relieved when I came to understand that. The rest came and is coming slowly over time as I learn to know my children and learn how to be a Mommy.

I will also say that parenting my own children has brought up a lot of thinking about my own childhood and remembering. All of which confirms the path we are on.

[Tasmanian Saint]

http://greenegem.wordpress.com/2011/...ng-4-my-story/

[OnAMission]

For me it was a combination of things. I started off thinking we would spank because I had been indoctrinated by my parents on all the evils of those with "spanking deficits". Not that my parents spanked often, maybe two or three times my whole life and I only remember one, but boy did they talk about it a lot. Then we took a dobson class and read sach, which just solidified the "need" to spank, although I did find sach to be kind of odd, and definitely did not agree with all his conclusions. So, with that background, here are the things that affected me. One, i found that I was far more likely to think dd1 was being "defiant" and in need of a spanking if I was tired or feeling bad. I'm big on consistency, so it bothered me that how I felt affected the lens wih which I saw dd1. Then, I was in a bible study for mothers and many of them spanked multiple times a day! I started thinking that there has got to be another way. Plus dd1 was starting to hit a lot, and spanking for hitting just didn't make sense. We were following all the other ap parenting stuff and I thought that there must be Christian ap parents somewhere in the world. So I googled christian ap, which led to the goyb site, which led me here. In the last year and a half, my parenting and theology! have dramatically changed for the better (I hope). Oh, one final thing that sealed the deal for no more spanking was the realization that dd1 was scared of me. It broke my heart. It took a whole year (we stopped when she was two) for her to stop talking about spanking, especially for spanking for getting out of bed, which is one of the rules my mom talked me in to "for safety" ugh. Anyways, I love gcm and all of your wisdom!

ETA: regarding consistency, gbd makes so much more sense: I can continuously be teaching correct behaviors without having to determine intent, which was so freeing to me.

[ReadingMommy]

Originally Posted by kdhfly

For me it was a combination of things. I started off thinking we would spank because I had been indoctrinated by my parents on all the evils of those with "spanking deficits". Not that my parents spanked often, maybe two or three times my whole life and I only remember one, but boy did they talk about it a lot. Then we took a dobson class and read sach, which just solidified the "need" to spank, although I did find sach to be kind of odd, and definitely did not agree with all his conclusions. So, with that background, here are the things that affected me. One, i found that I was far more likely to think dd1 was being "defiant" and in need of a spanking if I was tired or feeling bad. I'm big on consistency, so it bothered me that how I felt affected the lens wih which I saw dd1. Then, I was in a bible study for mothers and many of them spanked multiple times a day! I started thinking that there has got to be another way. Plus dd1 was starting to hit a lot, and spanking for hitting just didn't make sense. We were following all the other ap parenting stuff and I thought that there must be Christian ap parents somewhere in the world. So I googled christian ap, which led to the goyb site, which led me here. In the last year and a half, my parenting and theology! have dramatically changed for the better (I hope). Oh, one final thing that sealed the deal for no more spanking was the realization that dd1 was scared of me. It broke my heart. It took a whole year (we stopped when she was two) for her to stop talking about spanking, especially for spanking for getting out of bed, which is one of the rules my mom talked me in to "for safety" ugh. Anyways, I love gcm and all of your wisdom!

ETA: regarding consistency, gbd makes so much more sense: I can continuously be teaching correct behaviors without having to determine intent, which was so freeing to me.

"Spanking deficits"=the reason for behavior problems. Yup. I grew up hearing that all the time. Even parroted it myself.

I like your points about consistency and wondering "where does the spanking stop?" If spanking is the cure-all for bad behavior, shouldn't more equal better? Nope, even pro-spankers don't usually agree with that. But we CAN say that about GBD!

---------- Post added at 11:53 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:48 AM ----------

How many of those kids did you know growing up who NO AMOUNT of spanking would "fix"? I knew plenty. If spanking is biblically prescribed, would that be the case?

[Pilgrim]

My parents spanked us, and it was a frequently used tool even though it was not the only tool in their toolbox. I had already decided that if I ever had children, I would not spank as they did because it wasn't that effective for me personally.

Then I began volunteering at a domestic violence shelter and learned the connection between violence/anger and control. I worked with the children who lived in the shelter and our lessons stressed that "hands are not for hitting" and physical punishment was not allowed in the shelter. So that reinforced other options rather than spanking.

Reading here has been the biggest change--things like if you spank, you still have to redirect, and the ideas of showing grace, and treating children as if they are people. I'm glad that I started reading here before Babe was born, because I have already received advice to consider smacking his hands instead of redirecting at 8 months. Straight into the circular file.