Talk to Me About Not Spanking and How.

[BarefootBetsy]

My kids hitting me is a major trigger for me too

I've gotten VERY good at seeing with my peripheral vision and blocking their hands/feet/etc so I can grab or block them before they hit me. Otherwise I yell Spanking my kids has never been on the table as an option since before I had kids so I've never struggled with wanting to hit them, but I struggle with yelling on at least a daily basis I've gotten a lot better! But being hurt is a huge trigger for me yelling.

[WildFlower]

Originally Posted by BarefootBetsy

My kids hitting me is a major trigger for me too

I've gotten VERY good at seeing with my peripheral vision and blocking their hands/feet/etc so I can grab or block them before they hit me. Otherwise I yell Spanking my kids has never been on the table as an option since before I had kids so I've never struggled with wanting to hit them, but I struggle with yelling on at least a daily basis I've gotten a lot better! But being hurt is a huge trigger for me yelling.

See spanking was not an option for me either! I had determined when DD was tiny and I found GCM that no way, no how , was I going to spank. So I was really quite shocked when the thought entered my head when I was angry. Kind of like a knee jerk reaction. It's only ever been a temptation when she's hitting, kicking or biting during brushing teeth or fighting me at a diaper change. I have NO idea why except it must be triggering something inside of me. So I have now realized I need to figure out how to keep those triggers from happening. I resisted the urge to swat her then one day just did it. I don't even know why. Except I didn't know what else to do. Thats when I realized I needed more tools because I didn't know what else to do. I also realized "self control" isn't enough. You have to have tools. And contintually asking God for patience.

[bolt.]

It isn't nessisarily a personal "trigger" -- realistically, i think the urge to hit back when someone hits you is part if being human. It's an instinct. It's just not something we have to give in to.

[BarefootBetsy]

I have gotten the urge to hit back, but it's fleeting and I wouldn't say that I've ever struggled with it I mean, it's more like when you let yourself feel a feeling and then let it pass without acting on it because you know you shouldn't. Yelling, on the other hand, is difficult for me not to do - I struggle with it and sometimes am not able to stop myself

[MaryPoppinsIAin't]

Originally Posted by bolt.

It isn't nessisarily a personal "trigger" -- realistically, i think the urge to hit back when someone hits you is part if being human. It's an instinct. It's just not something we have to give in to.

This. Kid one hits kid two, w/o adult interference, most of the time kid two hits back. Our job is to teach them better tools, and how can we do that if we're hitting too? Baby see, baby do.

[WildFlower]

Originally Posted by MaryPoppinsIAin't

This. Kid one hits kid two, w/o adult interference, most of the time kid two hits back. Our job is to teach them better tools, and how can we do that if we're hitting too? Baby see, baby do.

so maybe it truely is because I didn't have any alternate tools. I dismissed the thought several times in the past because I know better. But I think I finally got frustated enough that I let myself react. I can't even say it was truely spanking, just a quick smack on the leg, but hitting is still hitting no matter the way it's done. It's never really ok with me.

[ruhama]

Originally Posted by EarthMamma

I understand the whole 'my family my rules', however my family is extremely close..almost freakily so.
I talk to my Mum every day, or at least every other - and thats not her calling me, I call her just as often.
I'm one of three siblings, and we all live in the same small town with our spouses and kids, Mum and Dad live in the country just 15 minutes away.

My husbands family is 20 minutes in the other direction, and we see them all the time. And shockingly, we still all like eachother.

We're also Christians, (all of us..like I said, freaky) which almost makes it more difficult.
I feel like my parenting ideas would be more easily accepted, if it could be chalked up to 'my crazy religious-ness'

Still, I've requested a bunch of grace-based discipline books from the Lib that other GCMers have recommended.

Peace,
- Jenny

It's tough with family. I'd try and be firm but open saying something like:

"I'd love to talk about it with you, but I'd prefer not to argue or debate the point. Let me know if you're curious and I'll explain it more."

You could point them to some good books if they keep trying to challenge you on every point. That way if they bring it up again "oh, they addressed that in a chapter in ____, have you gotten that far yet? (Author) explains it much better than I could." Then smile and change the subject.

"I simply want to teach my children as well as I can how to behave and how to love others, themselves and God. I know of several families who have done just that without spanking or punishment, so I know it's possible."

[Peridot]

SO I promised I'd come back and then I never did.

Originally Posted by JenniferJuniper

Not one person here made me feel badly that I had condoned spanking - and I appreciate all of your comments so much.
I look forward to going through some of the Discipline forums and your linkups.

One of the things that convinced me that punishment was not important- or a part of 'successful discipline' was all of my non-Christian friends who were not only not spanked as kids, and turned out just find- but also- were giving me MORE grace about my spanking than my Christian friends did to those who did not.

Originally Posted by MaryPoppinsIAin't

This. Kid one hits kid two, w/o adult interference, most of the time kid two hits back. Our job is to teach them better tools, and how can we do that if we're hitting too? Baby see, baby do.

TBPH, sometimes I just let their relationship be broken for a small time. The ways kids antagonize each other are subtle and hard to address sometimes, so if Minim is in his brother's space, Max tries to move him way, and Minimus hits Max, weeellll...... Minim comes to me crying, "Max hit meeee." "yes, he hit you. YOu hit him, others will hit you if you hit them. When you need help with max, what can you do?" 'I tome det you. " Max comes to me, 'Minim hit me." "yes, you pushed him away from your space. If you push someone they might hit you." 'i pushed him cause he wouldnt leave me alone'

SO then I remind Max, 'If someone will not leave your space, what CAN you do?' "call for help, or walk away" yep, try that next time. Either way, I figure they've experienced apropriate consequencess for their actions- and they 'get' it better than if I was standing there lecturing- 'cause I've done that, and yeh.....

inevitably one of them wants to play with the other shortly thereafter, and I need to remind them- you both hurt each other, maybe if you apologise to each other and ask forgiveness, you'll want to play together again.

it is pretty awesome to see them go to one another, both saying 'I sowwy I pushed you!/I am sorry I hit you!" hugging, and forgive each other, and then go play happily.

I have entirely lost my train of thought- so if I find it again i'll come back.

Originally Posted by JenniferJuniper

So if this is something I decide to do, how do I tell my friends/parents without getting the "are you nuts??" face, or is that inevitable?

Peace,
- Jenny

You live in Canada, right? You will find that spanking is REALLY frowned on outside Christian circles these days (and by many within ). Feel free to step outside your circle a little bit

[iwillhope]

Originally Posted by CityMamaOf2

Reading up in the Gentle Discipline forum is extremely helpful.

For me personally, it helps to pretend that the word "spanking" isn't even in the dictionary. That forces me to get off my butt, redirect, make it happen, reset, or do whatever else I need to do to fix the situation.

Spanking may cure the symptoms, but it doesn't cure the disease. A spanking will teach your child what not to do, but that's only half of the problem. You've forgotten to teach them what to do.

I LOVE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need to print and post that in my house just to have.

---------- Post added at 10:23 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:19 PM ----------

Originally Posted by JustMandy

I think it's really great that you are looking for ways to parent with out spanking before you are faced with the problem of not wanting to spank but not having another plan.

There's some great advice here.

For me, parenting is about raising awesome adults, not easy kids. Spanking may help get the behavior you want now but what about later? I don't want my kids to make decisions based on the fear of doing something wrong but the desire to do what is right.

It's a lot of work. You will do much more redirecting, more explaining, more "setting them up for success" but it is so worth it. (Says the mama who spanked for years and really likes my kids more now that we've been mostly punishment free for a couple years.)

I love this too...gotta print and post in my house. Both this one and the one before are great answers to questions that families might pose about not spanking. I was beaten...not even gonna call it spanking...and it only taught me to be a people pleaser in order to gain acceptance. As an adult I was a 'yes' person and was pulled in many directions b/c I couldn't say no. also, because of my kind heartedness towards others, I became easy prey to those who wanted to take advantage of me...I had a heart and couldn't say no. All that changed when I turned 35 though.