Talk to Me About Not Spanking and How. - Page 2

BarefootBetsy · 06-06-2012, 07:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StoryOfGrace

Spanking and punishment taught me to:
-Lie. "I'm sorry I made you mad Mom. I'm sorry I did X." Really, I wasn't sorry.

I just didn't want to be in trouble any more. I distinctly remember several times where I apologized and didn't mean it, just so I could get out of the punishment.
-My feelings didn't matter. I was just "the kid" and had no right or reason to be heard or understood.
-I deserved to be hurt.

What a horrible dynamic to teach a child...really, think about it.

I could go on, but those are the big ones.

Except the lying I learned how to do was more along the lines of lying to not get caught in the first place. I'm a bad blatant liar, but I became extremely good at lying by omission - saying things that were *technically* true, but not really true.

You can read part of my story here: http://greenegem.wordpress.com/2010/...g-punishments/

kiloyd · 06-06-2012, 07:48 AM

I also grew up with some spankings, not too many. And you know what? Just now thinking, I don't think any of them came from my dad. THey were from my mom when she was angry and would swat me.

I only want(ed) to spank my children when I was mad at them. If I walked away and waited til I was calm the spanking seemed dumb and I could think of another way to teach them.

StoryOfGrace · 06-06-2012, 08:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kiloyd

I also grew up with some spankings, not too many. And you know what? Just now thinking, I don't think any of them came from my dad. THey were from my mom when she was angry and would swat me.

I only want(ed) to spank my children when I was mad at them. If I walked away and waited til I was calm the spanking seemed dumb and I could think of another way to teach them.

Ditto!

Katigre · 06-06-2012, 08:38 AM

[

Quote:

Originally Posted by EarthMamma

Alright ladies, I'm ousting myself.

I was (am?) a firm believer in spanking - I grew up with infrequent spankings; I remember a few, but my Mum was always calm when she did it, and explained to me why she did afterward, and I always got warned before it happened.

When people would talk to me about spanking I would easily and honestly say: "I needed it." I knew I was the kind of kid who who only refrain from doing X if I knew I was going to get a spank. Having my Mum sit down with me at 3, and explaining the situation wouldn't stop me, I know myself enough to know that.

The only options aren't 'spank' 'time out alone' or 'talk the child to death'

. There are a whole lot of other GBD tools out there to help children learn to listen to what we say

. You might find this article helpful: GOYB Parenting (aka, how to teach without spanking OR 'overtalking'.

Quote:

So what do I do? What if I get a child like me?

Miss E is too tiny to even think about spanking, but what about when she is three?

How do I *not* spank?

You fill your parenting toolbox with many different strategies so that when situations arise, you have ways of addressing the situation and behavior that both set boundaries in the short run (protecting her and others) and also teaching in the long run. Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint, and GBD gives you the tools to do it well

.

FWIW, I have two kids: 6 and 3. They have never been spanked. They both listen very well (DD is 3 so she definitely has her moments

. I have a number of tools in my discipline toolbox that I learned on this site that help me to set boundaries and teach them. We have good relationships with each other and quite honestly spanking is sort of an irrelevant tool to me at this point

. The only time I can see wanting to use it is when I'm really frustrated about something and not looking at the big picture.

You might also want to look into Playful Parenting - so many times parents think that all discipline has to be firm/harsh/stern and while that plays a role, it is NOT the only way to discipline and some kids respond a lot better to playful parenting (my DD is like that)

.

rjy9343 · 06-06-2012, 08:43 AM

I grew up with spanking and am the only one in my family that is against spanking. I have a 23 month old that I have been advised to spank several times. I have managed to "fix" the behavior without spanking. Fixing it at times is a pain everywhere you carry tension, but it is so worth it. I do not agree that you cannot reason with little kids. You cannot reason with them the way you can reason with an adult, but little kids understand a lot more than they get credit for understanding. I can tell my daughter not to cross a land mark because she will fall and get hurt and that is it. I do not need to spank or threaten her. Now I do need to watch her, she is still a toddler and needs me to remind her not to get so close, but that is normal. I can tell her not to play with an object that should not have been left in her reach because it is dangerous and guess what. She talks me to death about it, but her hands stay away from it. But (there is always a but), I cannot demand or order her. I have to make it worth it to her. That might look like me having a dramatic over the top reaction to something to distract her, it might look like me asking her if she would like to do something else, it might look like me telling her that there is a favorite treat in the kitchen and she can have it if she puts down the object or something completely different. I could not have done that pre GCM. It would not ever have crossed my mind to use that to gain her compliance. (Oh sure I could do that so she did not cry, but I was the adult, she was going to obey me). That paradigm shift that the others have mentioned is crucial. That shift allowed me to see Ivy as a person that has needs that are as important as mine even if they seem irrational. Seeing she needed something instead of just trying on her power has kept the power struggles out of our home. (Most of the time,though sometimes J or I have to step in for the other before we do something we regret). I know that I battle my parents daily and sometimes hourly because they were going to win. I knew that I would lose, but I was not going down without a fight. It is a vicious cycle. If you don't change your mind set, then I don't see how you will parent gently. (But that is just me, so take that with a grain of salt). Crystal's blog was a huge help for me in learning how to shift my mind set. Herma Linda and Peridot also have great blogs that were also huge eye openers for me. I have a few other thoughts on this, but Ivy needs me.

06-06-2012, 08:46 AM

What helped me the most was learning about what behaviors are normal for the child's age so that my expectations were reasonable.

I never planned on spanking (I wasn't spanked as a kid) and my husband was supportive up front. My problem is screaming. I get incredibly angry and out of control. When I get this way, I have to remind myself that I am an adult and they are small children, so if I can't control myself, neither can they. We work together to have them listen more and me be more calm. It is a constant process of learning and growing.

I have hit my kids before out of anger (not a spanking as punishment, just a lashing out of anger and frustration).

I am firm believer in apologizing out loud to your child when you screw up (hit, yell, break rules,etc). They know that I am human and make mistakes and am trying to do better every day (which is what I expect of them)

Calee · 06-06-2012, 11:06 AM

JustMandy · 06-06-2012, 11:11 AM

I think it's really great that you are looking for ways to parent with out spanking before you are faced with the problem of not wanting to spank but not having another plan.

There's some great advice here.

For me, parenting is about raising awesome adults, not easy kids. Spanking may help get the behavior you want now but what about later? I don't want my kids to make decisions based on the fear of doing something wrong but the desire to do what is right.

It's a lot of work. You will do much more redirecting, more explaining, more "setting them up for success" but it is so worth it. (Says the mama who spanked for years and really likes my kids more now that we've been mostly punishment free for a couple years.)

WaitPatientlyOnTheLord · 06-06-2012, 11:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArmsOfLove

The best way for you to start is to spend time reading in the Gentle Discipline forum. You can also check out my site at www.aolff.org. There's a reading list in the FAQ for the GD forum.

This site is against punishment--not just spanking--so the answer isn't finding other things that make them miserable

There is no reason to try and make a child suffer as though that is the only way they can learn.

ETA: Discipline means to teach . . . so you teach.

Crystal, I cant find your FAQ section. I would love a list of books to read....

Lily · 06-06-2012, 11:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by allisonlindberg

I have to remind myself that I am an adult and they are small children, so if I can't control myself, neither can they.

Happygrl · 06-06-2012, 11:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArmsOfLove
You can also check out my site at www.aolff.org. There's a reading list in the FAQ for the GD forum.

Quote:

Originally Posted by WaitPatientlyOnTheLord

Crystal, I cant find your FAQ section. I would love a list of books to read....

The FAQ is the GD Info/FAQ forum here, not her website. Here's a direct link to the book list thread and here is the link to that forum.

06-06-2012, 11:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JustMandy

For me, parenting is about raising awesome adults, not easy kids. Spanking may help get the behavior you want now but what about later? I don't want my kids to make decisions based on the fear of doing something wrong but the desire to do what is right.

I ALWAYS have to remind myself that what I am doing to to help mold a great adult that I would want to be around later....

empathetic, follows rules but knows when to question authority (not just a sheep following the herd), a listener, assertive, loving and gentle, tells the truth (not just to avoid trouble)

IMO, these characteristics can be lost or not fostered when a child is raised in a fear-based environment. I have many friends whose kids are very well behaved (like robots), but I will guarantee when the children are grown, they will not be the leaders of the world, assertive and possibly not empathetic enough.

I also have to remind myself the the really hard characteristics of my 3 spirited kids are wonderful traits in a adult, just really hard to parent.

blessedmamaofmany · 06-06-2012, 12:33 PM

Sparrow · 06-06-2012, 12:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JustMandy

I think it's really great that you are looking for ways to parent with out spanking before you are faced with the problem of not wanting to spank but not having another plan.

There's some great advice here.

For me, parenting is about raising awesome adults, not easy kids. Spanking may help get the behavior you want now but what about later? I don't want my kids to make decisions based on the fear of doing something wrong but the desire to do what is right.

It's a lot of work. You will do much more redirecting, more explaining, more "setting them up for success" but it is so worth it. (Says the mama who spanked for years and really likes my kids more now that we've been mostly punishment free for a couple years.)

May is quote the bolder?

it is SO well said.

JustMandy · 06-06-2012, 12:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sparrow

May is quote the bolder?

it is SO well said.

Yes, share away.

06-06-2012, 07:48 AM	#17
kiloyd Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: South Carolina Posts: 16,108	Re: Talk to Me About Not Spanking and How. I also grew up with some spankings, not too many. And you know what? Just now thinking, I don't think any of them came from my dad. THey were from my mom when she was angry and would swat me. I only want(ed) to spank my children when I was mad at them. If I walked away and waited til I was calm the spanking seemed dumb and I could think of another way to teach them. __________________ k-i-loyd, not kill loyd ISFJ/P Katherine, married 8-9-97 ds1 22 (adding a dil in August!) dd1 18 dd2 16 ds2 10

06-06-2012, 08:43 AM	#20
rjy9343 Rose Garden Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Northern Virginia Posts: 10,090	Re: Talk to Me About Not Spanking and How. I grew up with spanking and am the only one in my family that is against spanking. I have a 23 month old that I have been advised to spank several times. I have managed to "fix" the behavior without spanking. Fixing it at times is a pain everywhere you carry tension, but it is so worth it. I do not agree that you cannot reason with little kids. You cannot reason with them the way you can reason with an adult, but little kids understand a lot more than they get credit for understanding. I can tell my daughter not to cross a land mark because she will fall and get hurt and that is it. I do not need to spank or threaten her. Now I do need to watch her, she is still a toddler and needs me to remind her not to get so close, but that is normal. I can tell her not to play with an object that should not have been left in her reach because it is dangerous and guess what. She talks me to death about it, but her hands stay away from it. But (there is always a but), I cannot demand or order her. I have to make it worth it to her. That might look like me having a dramatic over the top reaction to something to distract her, it might look like me asking her if she would like to do something else, it might look like me telling her that there is a favorite treat in the kitchen and she can have it if she puts down the object or something completely different. I could not have done that pre GCM. It would not ever have crossed my mind to use that to gain her compliance. (Oh sure I could do that so she did not cry, but I was the adult, she was going to obey me). That paradigm shift that the others have mentioned is crucial. That shift allowed me to see Ivy as a person that has needs that are as important as mine even if they seem irrational. Seeing she needed something instead of just trying on her power has kept the power struggles out of our home. (Most of the time,though sometimes J or I have to step in for the other before we do something we regret). I know that I battle my parents daily and sometimes hourly because they were going to win. I knew that I would lose, but I was not going down without a fight. It is a vicious cycle. If you don't change your mind set, then I don't see how you will parent gently. (But that is just me, so take that with a grain of salt). Crystal's blog was a huge help for me in learning how to shift my mind set. Herma Linda and Peridot also have great blogs that were also huge eye openers for me. I have a few other thoughts on this, but Ivy needs me. __________________ Rita s IstJ Wife to my brilliant geek James iNtJ since 4/08 Mom to our angel boy Jay 5/08 our quirky miracle DD Ivy 6/10 mellow miracle DS Jacob 7/15 Often Please forgive my frequent typos Standing firmly on Team Lioness!!! Roar!!! I am ready for people to know I am a GCM find me on Facebook

06-06-2012, 08:46 AM	#21
allisonlindberg Guest Posts: n/a	Re: Talk to Me About Not Spanking and How. What helped me the most was learning about what behaviors are normal for the child's age so that my expectations were reasonable. I never planned on spanking (I wasn't spanked as a kid) and my husband was supportive up front. My problem is screaming. I get incredibly angry and out of control. When I get this way, I have to remind myself that I am an adult and they are small children, so if I can't control myself, neither can they. We work together to have them listen more and me be more calm. It is a constant process of learning and growing. I have hit my kids before out of anger (not a spanking as punishment, just a lashing out of anger and frustration). I am firm believer in apologizing out loud to your child when you screw up (hit, yell, break rules,etc). They know that I am human and make mistakes and am trying to do better every day (which is what I expect of them)

06-06-2012, 11:06 AM	#22
Calee Deactivated Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 5,330	Re: Talk to Me About Not Spanking and How.

06-06-2012, 11:11 AM	#23
JustMandy Deactivated Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Among the tall straight pines of the coastal plain. Posts: 5,797	Re: Talk to Me About Not Spanking and How. I think it's really great that you are looking for ways to parent with out spanking before you are faced with the problem of not wanting to spank but not having another plan. There's some great advice here. For me, parenting is about raising awesome adults, not easy kids. Spanking may help get the behavior you want now but what about later? I don't want my kids to make decisions based on the fear of doing something wrong but the desire to do what is right. It's a lot of work. You will do much more redirecting, more explaining, more "setting them up for success" but it is so worth it. (Says the mama who spanked for years and really likes my kids more now that we've been mostly punishment free for a couple years.)

06-06-2012, 12:33 PM	#28
blessedmamaofmany Deactivated I love my life. Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: Tater country...mmm...taters... Posts: 3,255	Re: Talk to Me About Not Spanking and How.

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