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Old 05-09-2012, 04:49 AM   #1
richesabove
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Old 05-09-2012, 04:54 AM   #2
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Default Re: How to give our children a chance of having a healthy self-esteem?

A parenting person that I read says that self esteem comes from doing. We can't compliment our children into it and trying to give them self esteem so they'll behave better is backwards. They gain self esteem by doing better. So keeping the standards high, and showing them that they CAN do it helps. That being said, I think there are personalityt ypes that are more prone to low self esteem The introverted Ns mostly because they are so introspective.
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Old 05-09-2012, 05:16 AM   #3
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Default Re: How to give our children a chance of having a healthy self-esteem?

I think well-intentioned parents can inadvertantly sabotage healthy self-esteem by overpraising and sheltering their children.

I think self esteem follows being able to create and imagine which leads to problem solving and feeling empowered in life. Also, I believe they need to experience the frustrations and disappointments in life knowing they have a parent to support and guide them when they need it.
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Old 05-09-2012, 07:58 AM   #4
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Default Re: How to give our children a chance of having a healthy self-esteem?

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Originally Posted by Marsha View Post
A parenting person that I read says that self esteem comes from doing. We can't compliment our children into it and trying to give them self esteem so they'll behave better is backwards. They gain self esteem by doing better. So keeping the standards high, and showing them that they CAN do it helps. That being said, I think there are personalityt ypes that are more prone to low self esteem The introverted Ns mostly because they are so introspective.
I agree with this basically.

I came from a home where the standard was very high, in every way. There wasn't a SHRED of praise given that wasn't deserved, believe you me. There was lots of criticism, in fact. We kids certainly weren't judged by anything that we inherently WERE apart from what we DID. IOW, I think I experienced the above, ON CRACK.

I would say that all seven of us kids are over-achievers, sucessfull, yet not able to feel right about ourselves.

Thus the reason I'm trying to think this through.

Of course, my parents had a rough marriage, and I think both of them had emotional problems...so that plays in.

---------- Post added at 02:58 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:52 PM ----------

Quote:
Originally Posted by TradCathMamma View Post
I think well-intentioned parents can inadvertantly sabotage healthy self-esteem by overpraising and sheltering their children.

I think self esteem follows being able to create and imagine which leads to problem solving and feeling empowered in life. Also, I believe they need to experience the frustrations and disappointments in life knowing they have a parent to support and guide them when they need it.
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ITA with this as well. We certainly weren't sabotaged with too much praise, and I don't really know if we were over-sheltered. I don't think we were.

I do not think we were given as much lee-way as we needed to be creative and imagine....I do think in many ways we were hampered from making small choices and decisions that would have created more feeling of empowerment in our own lives. Case in point- small matter, but my mother was controlling in the kitchen. She cooked everything, did everything, it had to be a certain way. As a result I had to learn how to bake a potatoe after marriage because I didn't know the first form thing about cooking anything after I got off on my own. We did plenty of chores, but never anything that involved a shred of independence.
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Old 05-09-2012, 12:30 PM   #5
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Default Re: How to give our children a chance of having a healthy self-esteem?

Yes to the previous posts. Fostering competence and empowerment... Also trusting your child, enjoying your child, engaging in meaningful conversation, treating your child respectfully... Iow, treating your child like a fully formed person.
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Old 05-09-2012, 12:37 PM   #6
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Default Re: How to give our children a chance of having a healthy self-esteem?

Value competency over praise. Truly. Offer lots of opportunities to do things by/for themselves, give plenty space for messing up/trying again, and focus on patience, unflappable problem solving. Offer positive feedback for effort and success, and don't be afraid to let them wreck things in the process. That's what childhood is for.

Model this also in your relationship with your spouse.


Everything else is gravy.
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Old 05-09-2012, 12:57 PM   #7
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Default Re: How to give our children a chance of having a healthy self-esteem?

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Originally Posted by Aisling View Post
Value competency over praise. Truly. Offer lots of opportunities to do things by/for themselves, give plenty space for messing up/trying again, and focus on patience, unflappable problem solving. Offer positive feedback for effort and success, and don't be afraid to let them wreck things in the process. That's what childhood is for.

Model this also in your relationship with your spouse.


Everything else is gravy.
Well this is the about opposite of my childhood. No wonder I have about the hugest self-esteem issues one can have.

When you say "value competency over praise" do you mean to rely on building competency in your child more than you rely on puffing them up with praise??? I'm not totally spot on sure that I get what you are saying there and would love to delve into it more.

Thanks, by the way. I"m on a journey. I'm groaning on the inside right now about how hard this is going to be. my programming from my FOO is horrendous. It really, really is.
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Old 05-09-2012, 01:04 PM   #8
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Default Re: How to give our children a chance of having a healthy self-esteem?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aisling View Post
Value competency over praise. Truly. Offer lots of opportunities to do things by/for themselves, give plenty space for messing up/trying again, and focus on patience, unflappable problem solving. Offer positive feedback for effort and success, and don't be afraid to let them wreck things in the process. That's what childhood is for.

Model this also in your relationship with your spouse.


Everything else is gravy.
You are so right, and like the original poster it makes me realise why I'm still working on this in middle age......sigh....I still remember my mother taking a carrot out of my hands when I was married mother in my early twenties, and showing me how I was scraping it the wrong way

So yes, everything else is gravy, or in my case, scraped carrots......
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Old 05-09-2012, 01:58 PM   #9
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Default Re: How to give our children a chance of having a healthy self-esteem?

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Originally Posted by jujubnme View Post
treating your child like a fully formed person.
This!

I had low self-esteem as a child. I sometimes still struggle with low self esteem. I actually don't thing there's one person on this Earth who can honestly say that they haven't struggled with self-esteem at least once.
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Old 05-09-2012, 03:07 PM   #10
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Default Re: How to give our children a chance of having a healthy self-esteem?

Quote:
When you say "value competency over praise" do you mean to rely on building competency in your child more than you rely on puffing them up with praise??
Praise is cheap, and kids know that...obviously, lack of both teaching and praise is damaging, but I think most people tend to knee jerk in the opposite direction when their upbringing was void of both, and slather on the praise like suntan lotion in august. Not so helpful. It might give them a temporary boost, but eventually they'll stop taking it seriously, and in adulthood, life requires competence/confidence, not self-esteem.

Confidence is a pretty cool thing.

I personally value instilling skill with a wide allowance for messing up in childhood ("wow, look at you! You set out to make the spaghetti, and it looks like you're off to a good start! The noodles didn't turn out the way you wanted? Let me know if you'd like pointers, or, if you'd rather, you could bother my cookbook. I'm proud of you for tackling a big project. " ) + unconditional love ("I hear that you're disappointed that the spaghetti didn't turn out on the first try. Sometimes, it just takes a few tries to get the hang of it. And guess what? I love you. "). It sends the message that, yes, life has hard stuff, it takes perseverance, and I don't value you more or less in the process. I'm a safe place to land.

That's what I'm shooting for...tricky when it's not your FOO's paradigm, for sure!

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Old 05-09-2012, 03:45 PM   #11
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Default Re: How to give our children a chance of having a healthy self-esteem?

By the way, to you.

Being brought up with little praising and encouragement and strong on criticism would make it nearly impossible not to have major self esteem issues. I hope you are able to find a good balance in your parenting and healing for your own experience.
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Old 05-09-2012, 04:44 PM   #12
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Default Re: How to give our children a chance of having a healthy self-esteem?

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Old 05-09-2012, 05:46 PM   #13
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Default Re: How to give our children a chance of having a healthy self-esteem?

I think offering praise is important, but it needs to be done right. "What a pretty drawing!" is your opinion. "Wow! You used a lot of red!" in your brightest, most complimentary voice is observable and the child can assign their own value to that. Even the difference between "You are so beautiful," and "You have such blue eyes!" One is a judgement, one is not. Does that make sense?

Not to say you should never say your child is beautiful. I do it all the time! But I try to remember to put in some objective, observable compliments as well.
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Old 05-09-2012, 07:43 PM   #14
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Default Re: How to give our children a chance of having a healthy self-esteem?

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Originally Posted by LilySue View Post
You are so right, and like the original poster it makes me realise why I'm still working on this in middle age......sigh....I still remember my mother taking a carrot out of my hands when I was married mother in my early twenties, and showing me how I was scraping it the wrong way

So yes, everything else is gravy, or in my case, scraped carrots......
Oh hun, we have the same mother. Try having five kids of your own, one of the a teenager and your mom still telling you that you better skin the peaches over the bowl or the juice will run out over the counter and that would be wasteful. I mean, technically she was "right" but give me an everlasting break. She can't help it. She does this to me and did this to me at every turn. She did finish the peaches. She took the knife and peach out of my hand. Yup.
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