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Old 05-06-2012, 05:16 AM   #1
DavidKelleyMay18
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Default DH slapped ds last night!

I'm having a really hard time with ds with the puppy now 4 1/2 mos. old as yesterday when I was about to pick up the puppy he went to pinch the puppy. I've tried making a rule for him of no picking up the puppy without permission. I continue finding him picking up the puppy anyways. He'll pick the puppy up when you know the puppy doesn't want to be picked up, and she will growl. Well the puppy was trying to sleep and dh kept telling him don't touch the puppy. He threatened that he was going to slap him if he didn't stop. I told him oh no he was not going to. Well he touched the puppy again this is seconds apart and DH slapped his hand, and told him how he is the parent and how he is to listen to him. DH said I tell you what you do! You don't tell me what to do with the authority voice. I tried to tell him that was not okay. He said what was he supposed to do. Later I did talk with him about it. I explained to him that you make it happen. If he is doing something he is not listening about that you take him away. He probably won't be happy with it, but put him in his room if he's screaming. I tried to tell him that he's going to listen more than slapping. He disagreed telling me that he'll think twice next time because he knows he'll get slapped. I told him isn't it better to talk about it, and have him listen in a gentle way. He didn't say anything. He just kept saying that he'll try that next time. Did I explain something poorly to him? He has not slapped him in quite some time.

Maybe you all remember it was over toothpaste the last time. I am in no way saying that he was right for it. He has come a long way. He still got on his high horse how he's the parent, but he said how he'll try my approach which is improvement. I'm no longer in fear of the kids being left with him like I was before. He went to a Charlotte Mason approach workshop at a home-school conference last week with Sonya which we were able to talk about. When I brought that up he said she never said not to slap. I said she never said to slap that to try approaches to get the end result. I'm waiting for the book, "Railing the Rails." Maybe we'll finally be a team!

Kelley
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Old 05-06-2012, 05:28 AM   #2
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Default Re: DH slapped ds last night!

I completely relate. Last week DD1 got her bum smacked (4 times-he was cross) by DH. He completely lost it with with her. She did something very vicious physically with DD3. It was a bad scene. DH does so much less, but he wants to reserve the right. I was upset but I went to her and cuddled her, told her I was sorry he did that but I don't control him so, what she did was so hurtful to her sister and I can't have her do that and I just held her for a long time. That was about all I could do.

Dh still wants to punish them when they do things they shouldn't or just won't cooperate with him, doesn't matter if they are overtired, overhungry or anything else wrong.
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Old 05-06-2012, 02:55 PM   #3
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Default Re: DH slapped ds last night!

How old is your son? Young children and pets are often a terrible mix functionally.

http://www.gentlechristianmothers.co...d.php?t=115191

Does your DH have a decent, or adequate understanding of developmental stages? I'm worried that his expectations of children's behavior is going to continue to present challenges and frustrate him.
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Old 05-06-2012, 06:58 PM   #4
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Default Re: DH slapped ds last night!

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Originally Posted by Joanne View Post
Does your DH have a decent, or adequate understanding of developmental stages? I'm worried that his expectations of children's behavior is going to continue to present challenges and frustrate him.
Yeah. I don't see anything looking any different until that changes.
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Old 05-06-2012, 07:18 PM   #5
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Default Re: DH slapped ds last night!

Is your puppy kennel trained? Or does he have a safe zone?
Really, if he's napping - he should be put up. We used a baby gate with our first puppy we got when ds was 11 mo old.
I can tell you it's not going to be fun for the next several months. You will have to be constantly on top of both puppy & child to make sure they interact appropriately together.
However, for us, there was light at the end of the tunnel! Ds & our dog have a great relationship now. Dog is super easy going around young kids & able to withstand an accidental push & kid falling on him. Ds is better at being gentle with him too (though, still at 6yrs old, I have to get on ds about how he handles the dog sometimes).
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Old 05-06-2012, 07:33 PM   #6
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Default Re: DH slapped ds last night!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joanne View Post
Does your DH have a decent, or adequate understanding of developmental stages? I'm worried that his expectations of children's behavior is going to continue to present challenges and frustrate him.
This is true and this is the hard part. I think it applies to my situation at least. DH does not see things this way and I can't make him believe this. I have tried to explain this in different ways at different times. It is very hard navigating life and parenting when you are not on the same page, or in the same book even!
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Old 05-07-2012, 01:10 AM   #7
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Default Re: DH slapped ds last night!

Could you get a puppy crate for him? We have a chihuahua and we have a crate for him to sleep in, the kids are NOT allowed in it and when he is in there chilling they are not allowed near (or he does growl).

My DH is the same when it comes to "discipline". I often get told that we will have "a brat" like our niece if we dont "discipline" J. My response is that J is so strong willed anyway smacking wont do a thing anyway and that showing him works more effectively. Thankfully he has thrown up his hands and said "fine, if we end up having brats for kids its your fault" :eyeroll Because a "smack never did him any harm" he doesnt see the problem, but hes forgetting that HE is the one who couldnt talk to his dad until after he was married about anything. He totally respects his dad (his dad was in the RAF as well so wasnt around much growing up) and loves him but he couldnt speak to him about anything until after we were married. It was always the threat "wait until your dad gets home" from his mom that sent him running to his room. But he doesnt think that its done him "any harm" at all!

ETA now that i think about it i think i was only ever smacked by my mom once in my whole life, and i was 16 and being a total brat to her, im so close with my mom now and i think a lot of that is becasue i wasnt smacked, she taught us gently. She would probably get on great on here
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Old 05-07-2012, 05:13 AM   #8
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Default Re: DH slapped ds last night!

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Dh still wants to punish them when they do things they shouldn't or just won't cooperate with him, doesn't matter if they are overtired, overhungry or anything else wrong.
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Boy can I relate!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joanne View Post
How old is your son? Young children and pets are often a terrible mix functionally.

http://www.gentlechristianmothers.co...d.php?t=115191

Does your DH have a decent, or adequate understanding of developmental stages? I'm worried that his expectations of children's behavior is going to continue to present challenges and frustrate him.
My son is almost 8. I talked with him about the puppy the other day. I've been trying to teach him that when he growls what she's trying to tell us. So if he is picking her up when she's growling I say what is she letting us know of what she needs. This seems to be working better. I can only hope and pray! Developmental stages with kids..yeah probably not..

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Originally Posted by 3PeasInAPod View Post
Is your puppy kennel trained? Or does he have a safe zone?
.
Sometimes when we are eating etc. I have a cage that I put her in.

Quote:
Originally Posted by weerach View Post
My DH is the same when it comes to "discipline".
I know DH has done a lot better. He at least listens to me. So many times I tell him how I'm clueless what to do. My husband was raised "very strict" and he sees nothing wrong with that. But he does seem a little more willing to listen to me now.
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Old 05-07-2012, 05:24 AM   #9
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Default Re: DH slapped ds last night!

This is where I'm probably going to put my foot in my mouth, but I have to ask your reasons for not letting an 8yo pick up a puppy. That is just going to cause trouble, or at least it would in my house. And I remember you posting a while back about the puppy, so it's not a brand new puppy any more, right?

I think I"d change the rule and that would probably solve a lot of your problems. If you can't trust an 8yo with a dog, then you don't need to have the dog.
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Old 05-07-2012, 06:09 AM   #10
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Default Re: DH slapped ds last night!

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Originally Posted by MomtoJGJ View Post
This is where I'm probably going to put my foot in my mouth, but I have to ask your reasons for not letting an 8yo pick up a puppy. That is just going to cause trouble, or at least it would in my house. And I remember you posting a while back about the puppy, so it's not a brand new puppy any more, right?

I think I"d change the rule and that would probably solve a lot of your problems. If you can't trust an 8yo with a dog, then you don't need to have the dog.
Yes, we got the puppy when she was 5 weeks old so we've had her about 4 mos. now. I'm not saying that I won't let my 8 yr. old pick up the puppy. There are times the puppy will growl when he picks the puppy up, so I've been trying to teach him that when she does that she's trying to tell him I don't want to be picked up right now. I feel maybe I was approaching it wrong before saying put the puppy down. Now I think I'm trying to teach him respect with the puppy. I think I am anyways. If you think I am approaching something wrong I would take ideas too.

thanks, Kelley
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Old 05-07-2012, 06:11 AM   #11
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Default Re: DH slapped ds last night!

Puppies can generate respect for themselves. HOnestly, even with younger kids I finally let natural consequences take over, like a puppy or dog will nip, growl, etc. If a child gets a little nip or snapped at because the animal is annoyed, I figure that's worth at least 100 lectures and scholdings by me. Also, micromanging the relationship requires me to be hyper vigilant and consistent and that's really not me. So I warn the first several times, and then I let the dog or cat decide how interactive they want the child to be with them. They have ways of letting this be known to their "pack".
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Old 05-07-2012, 06:18 AM   #12
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Default Re: DH slapped ds last night!

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Puppies can generate respect for themselves. HOnestly, even with younger kids I finally let natural consequences take over, like a puppy or dog will nip, growl, etc. If a child gets a little nip or snapped at because the animal is annoyed, I figure that's worth at least 100 lectures and scholdings by me. Also, micromanging the relationship requires me to be hyper vigilant and consistent and that's really not me. So I warn the first several times, and then I let the dog or cat decide how interactive they want the child to be with them. They have ways of letting this be known to their "pack".
This is what I do... Even with little ones I tell them that when a dog growls it's his way of saying "back off" and that continuing to mess with the dog might mean they get nipped.

Now I also train the dog to "be nice" as well as possible. If they are growling when a little one is touching them, then I pet them too and keep their head away from the child until they stop the noise.

I think my view might be colored some too because my oldest just turned 9. I might act/react differently when my youngest is 8, you know?
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Old 05-07-2012, 06:20 AM   #13
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Default Re: DH slapped ds last night!

This is how we've approached things with our dog too. I've warned that certain things will make the dog growl, which may lead to nipping. Unless what my DC are doing is actually going to hurt the dog - I leave it between the kids and the dog .
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Old 05-07-2012, 06:30 AM   #14
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Default Re: DH slapped ds last night!

I agree, especially with the natural consequences part at that age. I remember my brother and his friend at five or six messing with the cats after we told them to leave them alone, and getting a scratch or two before figuring it all out. What kind of a dog is it? Are you concerned that it will get snappy and mean over time? Dogs and children really can be a great mix, or they can be an unholy disaster. Make sure the dog has clear escapes, and a place to go away from little pokey fingers. I'm also teaching my dog to escape when my two year olds form of love is too much, because she's a giant push over of a Lab mutt who would allow Pugsley to treat her like a trampoline if I don't train her to leave when he's being rough.

And your DH has come a far way from when you first started posting. It really is a total shift in thinking, so it really isn't as simple as telling him and having him jump right in with all the right things. So many times, all our spouses hear is, "No smacking, no shaming, now go get 'em, tiger!" I've had to model a skajillion times to my DH that we state a goal, and then we make it happen. My DH is finding that it's very tricky to view discipline as teaching, much like a math concept, just because he has a lot of things to unlearn, in terms of how he has previously seen children responded to. It's a continuum, and he'll get there! probably not exactly how you imagine, but a balance can be worked out.
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Old 05-09-2012, 08:41 PM   #15
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Default Re: DH slapped ds last night!

Well my 7 yr. old has been doing great for a few reasons I believe. This week instead of saying Jacob I told you put the puppy down or I told you to ask permission to hold the puppy I have tried a different approach. If he picks up the puppy and she growls I say what is the puppy trying to tell you. He'll now say that she wants to be put down. Even earlier today I saw him do it on his own, and I told him that was a great job that he did!!

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And your DH has come a far way from when you first started posting. It really is a total shift in thinking, so it really isn't as simple as telling him and having him jump right in with all the right things. So many times, all our spouses hear is, "No smacking, no shaming, now go get 'em, tiger!" I've had to model a skajillion times to my DH that we state a goal, and then we make it happen. My DH is finding that it's very tricky to view discipline as teaching, much like a math concept, just because he has a lot of things to unlearn, in terms of how he has previously seen children responded to. It's a continuum, and he'll get there! probably not exactly how you imagine, but a balance can be worked out.
This dog (pup) isn't big. She's only 9 lbs and is a Parm/(not sure exactly) but a small dog she'll be. There will be times he's basically on top of the dog, so I feel the need to teach him which I feel like I'm doing now instead of telling him.

Thank-you for noticing about my DH coming a long way! That makes me feel good..really! I finally feel a little closer to him. I never got when I would hear someone say that they married their best friend. I'm not all the way there, but I see it and understand those words now. My husband is an engineer so I think he doesn't understand it. But talking with him about it what I've tried helps better than do this or do that. Who wants to be told what to do anyways. I'm getting there too I guess. We can only try to always do better right!!

Kelley
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