[DolphinMemae]

The last couple months have been very hard. I started a thread when it seemed to me inevitable to put our 17 year old dog down. He had been incontinent for months, gradually he had less and less control over his back legs. Sometimes his dementia seemed to cause him to forget how to work his legs, and getting him to eat was a huge struggle. I felt strongly that it was getting to the point that it was cruel to him to not put him down. We gave him meds for his multiple issues, and took him regularly to get lazer treatments multiple times a week. I wanted to put him down. That sounds terrible, but it was far past being about what was best for the dog. Dh was unable to let go and stop trying everything imaginable to get the dog in better health. This went on for over a month. I would say how I felt and what I thought was best for the dog and dh would say he didn't agree. If I brought it up again he felt that I was pushing him, but if I said nothing about it dh kept focussing on any indication that there was hope for continued life. Finally I reached a point at which I could not continue to go on as it was. I had my first real fight with dh in the almost 17 years of our marriage. I said it was cruel to the dog and cruel to me. The things dh was doing to try to get Gideon to eat was triggering my issues with food, and I was feeling that he was making whatever his issue was about not putting Gideon down ahead of his concern for me. It was so excruciatingly painful for me to talk that way to him, but I had reached my limit (something that doesn't happen often or easy). The next day I had a counseling session in which I was broken hearted about my sort of fight with dh (he just listened to me rant and then said he had to think about it) and my counselor was spinning in his chair and shouting hurray because I had let myself get really angry at someone I love, told him just what I felt, and didn't turn it into something wrong about me. He was saying, "This is great news!! We have been working on this for years! I know you are miserable but I'm just thrilled for this great victory." I was crying and laughing at the same time. That night when dh came home he said he was ready to make the decision to let Gideon go. We already had an appointment for the next night to do another lazer treatment so we just changed the purpose of the visit. Two of our children were able to come be with us at the vet's office. When it was over we brought him home and buried him in the back yard.
One of the things the vet encouraged me to do was to reassure Gideon that he didn't have to hang on for our benefit, that we would get another dog soon after he was gone so he didn't have to worry about us. That promise (plus some other factors) made me driven to pursue getting another dog right away. I spent hours searching the internet for information about adopting a new dog and also looking for the right dog to adopt. We finally decided to adopt a three month old Chiweenie (dachsund and Chihuahua mix) - and yes they really do call them that. He is the most adorable little guy you ever did see. (I would be delighted to show you a photo but I still don't know how to download pictures yet on my new computer, so description will have to suffice for now). His body is white with light brown streaks that start at his eyes and spread out to cover both ears, and brown patches all over his body including a perfectly shaped dot in the middle of his head, and light brown freckles all over his nose and legs. He looks like a little clown. I thought Freckles or Jester would be good names, but dh wasn't thrilled with those. We finally settled on Tobi (Mexican and Hebrew origins for "God is good". He is doing okay with beginning training. My psychiatrist suggested we use dogface organization to train him. He will start with puppy I and work his way up to being a companion dog eventually. We took him to see Heather's new dog, and Tobi did not behave well at all. He was too excited with having excited children and another dog to play with. Earlier today my son and his wife came over for a visit and at first he was nippy to them, too; but we gave him a time out for about 10 minutes and after that he was much better behaved. He has been contentedly cuddling in my arms for the past few hours while I have been at the computer.
I got a pot of pansies for Mother's Day and we planted them on Gideon's grave. I'm so glad we have him buried where we can visit the site often and easily. I think he would be happy that we have another dog. When we were still at the vet's office I imagined him running happily with Princess (the dog we had before we got Gideon) through the fields of tall grass in a place where he will never hurt again. I don't know that that is good theology but I don't care. God knows my heart.
I'm sitting here with tears running down my face and a very contented little puppy snuggled in my arms. I miss Gideon, but I'm so glad he isn't still in pain being confused and unable to anything anymore. Tobi doesn't replace Gideon, but he is an important part of moving on.
So now that you've read my epic, I'd love some feedback.