Lilly_of the_ Fields

I so understand. I find myself tripping up particularly when I'm around Ezzo parents and I realise they're scrutinising me.

Recently we stayed at my B&SIL's house while we had our floors done, and on night one Ds was delaying going to bed, even though he was obviously tired - he wanted to check out his new surroundings etc (like anyone would, much less a curious toddler!)...anyhow, my BIL looked at me pointedly and said 'That's direct disobedience, Amy' and it really got to me...

Even though Ds then went to where we'd set up bed with no problems, afterwards, when he was having problems drifting off to sleep I felt this rising tide of I felt so judged, all my patience went out the window and I got into that "I need my child to behave right now to prove that Dh and I are good parents" thinking (which is just another way of focusing on your child's external performance at the expense of empathising with their felt needs, and worst, drawing your own self esteem from it, which is idolatry really)...

and I ended up growling at Ds! I was so mortified afterwards that I actually burst into tears in front of my B&SIL later on in the evening! I told them I felt really disappointed in myself as a parent because of the above reasons, leaving out that it was my BIL's comment that had triggered it (more correctly - what I had allowed to trigger it). It seemed to really take them aback - in a good way - which was a blessing. But it really made me realise how easy it is to be reactive rather than proactive with our kids, and how entwined with negative emotions that punitive mindset really is.

Anyway, just wanted to say - I understand your frustration, and I know these things can creep up and bite you on the bum and throw your world upside down for a while, it happens to all of us, but we have the holy spirit helping us become more Christlike every day (the very fact that you felt so convicted is testament to that changing power - so many parents aren't even aware of their own inner thinking processes when they deal with their kids, much less challenged to change them!) and a gracious gracious God who wants us to know that all our disappointments, fears, and hurts have been nailed to the cross and done away. We can relax in God's grace even when times get tough - in fact, especially when times get tough and he WILL renew us!