Thread: Bean Dip
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Old 03-24-2005, 05:05 PM   #1
Joanne
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Default Bean Dip

New parents often feel their decisions are being scrutinized, debated and judged. My years as a mother (and one who has made some alternative choices) have taught me a few helpful things.

One is how to deal with overly concerned and inquisitive family members.

The specifics will vary from family to family, but the principle behind the strategy remains constant. When setting boundaries, people (often moms) typically confuse setting the boundary with trying to convince the other person about how right they are in needing to set the boundary.

In setting boundaries, we don't need to convince the other person you are right and they don't have to agree about the boundary. We just need to be prepared to enforce the boundary, at any cost, using progressively more firm responses (if need be).

Here is an example:

First, I learned early on that most of my choices were on a "need to know" basis. Most people don't "need to know". If asked "how is the baby sleeping?" Answer: Great! Thanks for asking! Want some bean dip?

"Are you sure you should be picking her up every time she cries?" Answer: "Yes! Thank you! Want some bean dip?"

"When do you plan to wean" Answer: "When she's ready. Thanks! Want some bean dip?"

The majority of people will stop at that point. However, some others, for reasons of concern or poor boundaries, will continue.

In that case, you will need to set *firm* boundaries. They will need to be backed up with action (like hanging up, leaving the room or even the event). Practice kind but firm responses:

"I know you love us and the baby. We are so glad. Our sleeping choices have been researched and made. I will not discuss it again."

Also, don't confuse setting boundaries with trying to convince someone of the rightness of your choices. New AP moms often struggle with this. The boundary is that no one else has a right to tell you how to parent and create a hostile environment. You set boundaries by doing the above. Where new moms often invite problems is by citing authors, studies and sites to "defend" themselves. Each time you do so, you create more time for discussion and rebuttal and send the message that your decisions are up for debate. Don't defend your choices beyond generalities, and then only once or twice. "The doctor is in support of our choices. Want some bean dip?"

Finally, look them in the eye and say simply "I want us to have a good relationship. I want you to *enjoy* the baby. I'll parent the baby - you enjoy them. Let's not discuss this anymore. If you bring it up, I will leave the room."

I’d like to add one more suggestion. I know there are areas you feel absolutely convinced of your decisions. It might be that you believe in your baby’s birthright of breastfeeding or your son’s right to an intact penis. Never offer unsolicited advice, opinions, books, links or articles. To do so is a violation, no matter how “right” you may be. If we want our inboxes free from Ezzo endorsements, anti family bed propaganda from the Juvenile Products Coalition and weaning articles, we need to respect the right of others to make their choices.



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