[delightedmama]

Originally Posted by ArmsOfLove

these rewordings will sabotage you

You don't need them to clean up--if you do then the focus is on you instead of them learning what is their responsibility. The point of saying "you need to" is that it is their responsibility--their toys, their time, their teeth, etc.

"Please" is, technically, a request and that means that, especially for literal children, saying this makes it optional. I can always tell when I've slipped into "please" with my young children because I have children who let me know, "No," they won't be stopping to do it I inform them that was my bad on the word choice and it isn't optional and follow with, "You need to X because this is your responsibility."

Step 3 isn't really reworded And 4 isn't either--but that's a lot of words and at that point the amount of resistance it takes to get there usually means it's better with less words

Also, for very young children or children who need to have parental authority (re)established I do step 1 and step 4 at the same time (or quickly following).

by all means use whatever words you want with your child That just wouldn't be the 5 Steps

ETA: the words feel awkward because they aren't how we normally speak . . . but they are the healthy way to speak. I have even found the first step works wonders on lots of people in my life who are crossing boundaries )

Thanks for your response -- this is exactly what I was looking for. And especially the explanation of why it's true that they "need" to do whatever... I was feeling like it wasn't honest to say "you need to" because I'm the one bothered by a pile of toys, but you're right that they need to learn responsibility.

Thanks again