We all do, and you've come to the right place to get it. Grace is what we're all about here.
I'll let others who are more eloquent help with your questions, but I just wanted to say welcome, I'm glad your heart is changing, and please give it time. I've heard that when parents stop spanking, the little ones really test to make sure it's "for real." When they know it is, it will get easier.
for you and your family. We'll walk this road with you.