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Old 07-18-2006, 02:56 PM   #30
akmyilee
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Default Re: I need to say a few things about the idea of defiance

Sorry, I am totally not making sense.........

ok, I am suppose to think about the reason behind the action/behavior but it isn't suppose to matter what the reason for the behavior is because the response, from me, is the same.

In the cereal example..........it doesn't matter if the spill is from an accident or from anger or whatever, my response is still "ok, you spilled, lets clean up" I TOTALLY get that.

But in other treads and other conversations we (GCMers) spend a lot of time talking about the reason behind the behavior and getting to the reason and "fixing" that issue will improve the behavior.

So how does that fit in the whole "defiance" issue?

I *think* that what Chrystal said in the first post is what I need to focus on here.......maybe that it doesn't need "fixing" because it is developmental ( like a toddler exploring or a 4yo questioning) OR like someone else said about it could be an organic issue (like they are tired, hungry, etc.) OR that it is an issue with the way that I am responding to them or that I haven't spent enough time or filled the child's love tank.

Are we saying that there is NO direct defiance? like it doesn't exist? Or maybe that their is defiance but it is just a symptom of another thing, like I talked about in the last paragraph? and the defiance causes the inappropriate behavior but you have to get to the root of the defiance not just the behavior?

I visualize it like this:

drops cereal on the floor when I asked him to be careful -----> Defiant attitude -----> didn't get a good nights sleep

And the lack of the good nights sleep is what we should focus on.

I am not saying for sure that I am with this idea. Just thinking outloud now that ya'll have me thinking

Thanks for working with me to sort this out ya'll. I started a blog post about 2 weeks ago about Direct defiance as it seems to keep coming up IRL issues for me, and couldn't finish it because I wasn't sure how to explain it all or what I thought.........sorry, that is OT but I just wanted to explain more about why I am picking ya'lls brains like this........I don't disagree with what you are saying I just don't fulling undersand *why* I agree that direct defiance isn't or shouldn't be a mindset that we put ourselves in. One of my big issues is pitting parents against their kids and this seems to be the place where the rubber meets the road when I start to talk about the adversarial parenting stuff.
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