willful defiance vs. lack of impulse control
Willful defiance is actually a product of the punitive parenting camp. Often it is a negative intent assigned to what is really a lack of impulse control. Lack of impulse control means that a child (or individual) is not mature enough to stop themselves from something. Many adults lack impulse control. Willful defiance is based on the idea that a child could stop themselves if they wanted to but is choosing not to because they know it is the wrong thing and will upset the parent. Willful defiance is not even an issue in GBD homes because the parent is aware of the level of maturity in their child and does not take offense at this and there is no benefit to the child who may actually defy their parent willfully. The instruction is going to be accomplished on their own or with help so it becomes a non-issue. Also, resistance/defiance is viewed as an indicator that something else is going on within the child and because people who feel badlly act badly any presence of negative behavior is addressed first on the emotional level and roadblocks are removed so that the child is set up for success.
punitive (previously, i saw only spanking/slapping as "punitive")
Punitive is adding something extra and typically painful (physical or emotional) with the belief that a child needs to suffer in order to learn. Punishments detach the relationship and discipleship cannot occur without relationship. This is why within the church most punitive teachers will develop "the right way" to spank that involves re-attaching after the detaching experience. This would be the hugs and prayers that are part of the ritual of spanking. This actually makes the punishment more problematic because the child is forced to engage in attaching behavior in the midst of a detaching experience.
grace vs. permissiveness
Grace is, by definition, unmerited favor. Permissiveness is not exercising parenting authority to teach and train a child. Often permissiveness is motiviated by fear of a child's big feelings; often it is motivated by a desire to make a child happy; often it is the result of not wanting to spank/punish and not knowing what to do instead. The ideas behind permissiveness is that children know what is best for them or that children just need some guidance and suggestions. Permissiveness is parenting that lacks action. Grace is the absence of a penalty for an action combined with teaching so that the behavior is done away with. Grace is how God interacts with us. He forgives us our sins so that we can be in relation with Him. He teaches us how to live so that we will have good lives. He doesn't always remove the natural consequences, but He paid the penalty for us on the cross
consequences -- natural, imposed, logical
A consequence is anything that is the "then" in an "if/then" situation. If you run on wet cement then you may fall.
A natural consequence is what naturally happens UNLESS there is intervention. If you run into the street in front of a car the natural consequence is the car hits you and you may die. I believe that the parent needs to determine the likely natural consequences and decide whether their child is ready to BOTH survive and learn from them. If not, prevent them; if so, allow them.
An imposed consequence is something added that may be logical or arbitrary. When they are punitive they are called "piggybacking" and actually take away from the lesson that a natural consequence would provide. This is because they distract from the natural consequence and often by frustrating the child. A time out would fit in this category. The natural consequence is actually prevented and the child is put in an arbitrary consequence that does not contain a lesson.
A logical consequence is an imposed consequence that the parent determines is logically connected to the offense. These are likely to be punitive with a young child because logic isn't developed until age 10 (pre-logic at age 8). The appropriate way to apply logical consequences is what Jane Nelson suggests when she speaks of "Solutions". In order for a logical consequence to be a solution it needs to be 1) related; 2) relevant; 3) respectful; and 4) helpful in preventing the behavior from occuring again. This may be anything from handing a toddler a towel to clean up their spilled food to removing the keys from an older teen who has broken rules related to being entrusted with the car. The appropriate use of Solutions is teaching life skills and, often, preventing the natural consequences that will come with this behavior if the life lesson isn't learned.
normal vs. normative
Normal is what your child is doing--what they always do--what you know they are going to do. Normative is what the culture says your child should be doing. For example, our culture believes that babies should sleep through the night early--that is a normative thing. Normal for any individual child is whenever they actually sleep through the night. This is an important issue because if a child hits when they are frustrated then it is not fair to them to expect them to not hit or even tell them to not hit and then leave them to navigate a frustrating situation without help and then get mad when they hit. This is setting a child up for failure because of some normative belief of what they *should* do. As parents we need to deal with the reality of who our children are and what they are truly capable of as well as what they are most likely to do if left to deal with something alone.
appropriate vs. age-appropriate
Appropriate would be what is acceptable, what is okay for the child to do. Age-appropriate is what I prefer to call "age expected" because it's the behavior that is normal for a child of a certain age or circumstance. If all (or most) normal 2yo's do something then it is age appropriate. That means it is the way that God designed 2yo's to be. Typically this can be directly connected to a developmental milestone or issue. For example, preverbal children express their frustration through a variety of expressions including crying, hitting, biting, etc. If a 2yo is doing these things that is age appropriate or age expected. Clearly, however, these behaviors are not appropriate. If it's age appropriate then punishing for it would be punishing your child for being 2; but if it's INappropriate then it needs to be corrected and appropriate behavior needs to be taught.
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