[gentlemommy]

Originally Posted by marbles

I'm thinking about the various responses here, and I'm wondering about this idea that it's punitive to tell the parent how you feel about hitting.

I don't think it's punitive to tell them how you feel about it. I *do* think it can be punitive and shaming to say, "Oh, how horrible!" or "That's so sad!"

Obviously, "what a horrible thing to do to such a poor little child I can't believe you would do that!" could be hurtful but simply letting it be known that it distresses you or that you are sad for the child isn't, I don't think, the same.

I don't think letting it be known that it distresses you is necessarily wrong or shaming or punitive either. I think there's a way to communicate that directly and respectfully. Saying you feel sad for the child seems like kind of a passive-agressive thing to say to their parent. I also think it shuts down the relationship. If I shared that I extended breastfed or coslept and they said, "Oh, I feel really sad for your child." Well, okay, that doesn't really lead anywhere good. I would much rather they say, "I disagree with extended bfing and cosleeping. I do not think it's best for the child." and then I can either talk about it more or not, but there was no shaming or p/a in the interaction. It seems much more respectful than if they had said, "Oh, how horrible." Or "Oh, how very sad."