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Title: Hitting the pillow
Post by: akmyilee on May 24, 2005, 06:12:59 AM
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Ok, so how do you feel about this as a way to deal with Anger? Kyle (3yo) has been hitting ALOT lately and he has in turn hit me 2X and dh once. We went round and round last night about it. I have told him that he has to hit the pillow if he is angry or go sit onthe stairs. The stairs are kinda a timeout but I usualy sit with him until he can talk to me about what just happened. Last night when it happend I was in the middle of fixing dinner so he had to sit on the stairs til I was at least to a stoping point and I could go to him, it was not more than 5 minutes. I am sure there where other ways that this could have been handled but I surely couldn't think of any better ones in the moment. Any ideas?
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Title: Re: Hitting the pillow
Post by: momjis22 on May 24, 2005, 10:09:29 AM
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well, i am facing the same situation.my dd is almost 3 and picked up hitting from pre-school!!!!
. now she does it every time we say a "no" to anything.! I am trying to be patient with her...but sometimes I just loose it. I keep telling her "no hitting, thats bad behaviour"
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Title: Re: Hitting the pillow
Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 24, 2005, 10:10:51 AM
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I would take out the stairs. They aren't flowing with what you're trying to teach him which is appropriate ways to express his anger. Hitting the pillow is great (though, yes, in some children it can increase physical aggression, in most it seems to provide a safe and healthy outlet). When he's hitting I'd immediately tell him, "Hitting hurts. Do not hit me/daddy/friend/etc. If you need to hit you need to hit the pillow." Then I'd keep saying, "Hit pillows, not people" and help him hit the pillow. If he is totally over the top then it might be time to take a break and come back when he's ready to be kind with his hands, but it sounds like he's still learning the concept and needs more help being successful at it. I think "you hit, you sit" is a great rule after your child knows how to control the hitting urge and has been taught the tools of redirection, etc. Teach before you correct
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Title: Re: Hitting the pillow
Post by: akmyilee on May 24, 2005, 10:22:42 AM
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I think that he understands the concept he just doesn't have the selfcontrol, which is understandable........We have talked about how it is ok to be angry but it isn't ok to be mean to others. I think the pillow thing is working, only when I am in the middle of something else, as in feeding ellie, talking on the phone, fixing dinner. Should all action cease and focus on him until he gets himself under control..........I think this is my hang up with timeout, it gives him the chance to get control with out having to stop all other family activity. Maybe what I am going toward is a comfort corner type of thing? but how does it not become time out?
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Title: Re: Hitting the pillow
Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 24, 2005, 10:36:07 AM
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does stopping the behavior really signify having regained self control at hist age? or has he stuffed the frustration and it's just going to come back out at another time? When he's done taking his break (and I would definately recommend CC over TO--have you read the sticky in this forum about it?) does he come back and talk to you about what was happening? How does he return to you?
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Title: Re: Hitting the pillow
Post by: canadiyank on May 24, 2005, 10:40:23 AM
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I have read that using large muscles groups helps with diffusing anger vs. hitting a pillow but I've never put it into practice, LOL. eg, stomping feet, dancing, running outside...
Also, a good book I'm reading on the subject (and where I got the above ideas
) is: Dealing With Disappointment by Elizabeth Crary...
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Title: Re: Hitting the pillow
Post by: akmyilee on May 24, 2005, 10:52:18 AM
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ok, about stopping the behavior, I don't think I was clear, I mean should I have to stop what I am doing because of his lack of seft control? I honestly don't know? I definatly don't want to have a "stuff the frustration" kind of thing.....that is why I say "you can be angry but you can't be mean" and have him hit a pillow. I would like him to express the anger but what is an acceptable way of doing that? and when I am sure that he expresses the anger in an unacceptable way how do I teach him to do it an acceptable way.
As far as how he returns to me, he comes to me and says "I am ready to talk now" sometimes he is ready to talk before I am, as in I don't have control yet, I don't know what to do there either. We go over how it hurts mommy or who ever when he is mean and that it isn't ok, he has to tell me that he is angry or upset or sad in big boy words (we have a whining issue as well).
I guess what I don't understand about the CC is how it is differnt from TO IF it is only a place to calm down and isn't a punishment........as in the child has control of when and how long and what he does there.
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Title: Re: Hitting the pillow
Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 24, 2005, 04:35:45 PM
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Quote
I mean should I have to stop what I am doing because of his lack of seft control?
Yes. Or live with the results of his lack of self control. It's great when there are times that you can tap into enough self control in them to at least distract them or get them to do something else, but when they lose it then, yes, you need to either help them or endure it. Any method of parenting/discipline would require that you get up and engage with them.
The CC is different from a TO in a few important ways:
presence of comfort objects
child determines how long they stay
not isolated
goal to learn how to regroup, feel good, calm down
I'm not opposed to pure "take a break" times, but if there is a time limit or a "wait for me" or isolation then it's not teaching a true life skill
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Title: Help me weather the NONSTOP HITTING STORM...OH YEAH, IT'S BAD
Post by: reneandbaby on May 23, 2005, 05:40:43 PM
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Let me preface by saying Elijah has always been high need with a VERY VERY intense personality.
come very frequently to him because he has intense emotional reactions to every little thing throughout the day. This is a personality trait of his that we need to actively work with.
He will be fourteen months in a week and a half. Since month 12, he has been a hitter. For the past month, he has been a HUGE, NONSTOP hitter. Especially when frustrated. He hits everything and everyone within his path. When there is no one in his path, but he is frustrated, he will SEEK someone out to hit them.
Let me give a few examples: he was playing with his large lego toy. He was trying to put two of the blocks together and was having huge difficulty. He would scream and arch his back and throw the block when he couldn't place them together. I was making breakfast and had an eye on him. He ran up to me after throwing the block to hit me repeatedly. (My reaction was to tell him "ouch! That hurt's mama! We do gentle touches! and make him touch me gently. I then placed the blocks out of reach and view for a while)
This afternoon, he was playing with a bottle and I was sitting on the ground playing with him. It was clear he wanted me to do *something* with the bottle, but I haven't the slightest clue what. He attempted to hit me repeatedly each time he held out the bottle. (I stopped him from hitting me and told him "Remember, we do gentle touches to mama! Hitting hurts! And put the bottle away)
About fifteen minutes later, he wanted to sit in my lap. He climbed in my lap but was clearly displeased by something and kept hitting my arm and face. (I got up and placed him down and said "Gentle touches for mama.)
This weekend when we were at the mall, he ran around trying to hit anyone who came in a twenty foot radius of him. He was standing in an aisle of the store just looking at the lights. There was a family all the way down the other end of the aisle and he started running in that direction. I just assumed he was wandering around the store. But he wasn't. As soon as he got to that family he had grabbed hold of the mother's pant leg and hit her (I was one step behind him...but I just didn't anticipate he was going to hit them, I thought he was trying to walk around them). As soon as he spied someone, he was up there attempting to hit them.
He's so fast, and a lot times it is so unexpected and out of the blue, that a lot of times he does in fact hit, even though I am right there six inches away.
He is constantly running around our house trying to find the dog and give him a few whacks. It's random throughout the day.
I have basically removed him from a lot of situations in which he would have contact with other people, to minimize the amount of hitting or aggressive behavior he can display. Any time I see that he is about to hit I stop him and redirect him to gentler touches.
Just in the past day I have realized he probably also needs an outlet of something that is acceptable to hit. I gave him a pillow and we're redirecting hitting to the pillow, but that usually engenders a huge meltdown because he doesn't want me touching his hands.
The only thing we have had a moderate amount of success with, is once he starts hitting and hitting, I pull him until he is directly facing me and I grab his arms and shake them while saying "OOOOOOOOOOOOO! Elijah is SOOOOOOO mad, he just needs to do a mad dance!!!!" and I shake his arms really vigorously. Sometimes he goes for it, but a lot of times he gets upset.
What are some great ways to set him up for maximum success with this? Should I be keeping him away from other people until we can get this under control? How long can this stage last even with active teaching away from hitting? Does anyone else have any other tips besides the above? Any tweeking of my technique?
I really feel like we are going to be in this trench for a long time. He is so intense and combined with poor impulse control and a very short frustration fuse, a lack of an ability to communicate verbally..... he hits or attempts to hit at least fifty to sixty times in a typical day.
Is there a point in which this type of aggressiveness becomes outside the realm of normal toddler behavior?
Rene
P.S. On a wonderfully encouraging note, I think my husband now understands the paradigm shift to GBD. When his parents were asking him on the phone how we were punishing Elijah for his hitting, my husband's response was "What's the point of trying to punish him? We're really not interested in punishing, what we want to do is teach him how not to hit, not waste precious time and energy on punishments that do nothing." I was so proud him.
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Title: Re: Help me weather the NONSTOP HITTING STORM...OH YEAH, IT'S BAD
Post by: heartofjoy on May 23, 2005, 06:11:07 PM
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What a cool dh!!!
I think you are doing great with the hitting! Keep it up! Hopefully it will get better sooner than you think!
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Title: Re: Help me weather the NONSTOP HITTING STORM...OH YEAH, IT'S BAD
Post by: jujubnme on May 23, 2005, 07:09:12 PM
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This is such a tough age. There is so much frustration, especially over communication issues. Have you tried/had any success with signing? For example, we taught Julius to use the sign for help when he was getting super frustrated with doing something. Even little improvements in communication seemed to go a long way in reducing the frustration levels. For happy, just-don't-know-what-to-do-with-my-energy kind of hits, teaching high fives helped. Otherwise, it sounds like you're on the right track. It just will take some time.
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