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Old 07-18-2006, 06:19 AM   #7
pneumaphile
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Default Re: I need to say a few things about the idea of defiance

Quote:
Originally Posted by akmyilee
I mean I would still give them a towel and would expect him to help clean it up, but should that "attitude" (I hate to use that word) be dealt with?
Not Crystal, obviously, but I have $.02, as always, if you're interested.

I think about adult Christians I have discipled or shepherded in the past. If there's an attitude one day, we would probably overlook it. If there's an ongoing attitude problem, well, we would lovingly address that with our Christian sister, because that's a character issue that God probably wants to deal with, right?

Piggybacking on what Crystal said, if it's a character issue we'd deal with it, the child and I together. Crystal mentioned "character training"; I've never quite used that term but you betcha if Jody's in a spate where he's lying a lot, we're not only dealing with the behaviors as they happen, we're having Bible class regarding lying, we're having discussions of all types, etc.

I have to agree with Crystal that again, it's about what I'm feeling when the kid does it, if I'm calling it defiance, and that's not fair to the kid because it's not consistent. Kid dumps milk accidentally, I'm annoyed but that's about it, it's not his fault, it was an accident. Kid dumps milk while looking me in the eye after I told him to be careful, I'm a little more than annoyed. On a bad day, I'm outraged! But we've still got the same problem - there's milk on the floor! Needs to be cleaned up! If I start telling myself "he's willful, he's defiant, he did it just to get my goat," well all that assigning of intent does nothing more than fuel that outrage I'm feeling and continue to make me feel like he needs to be punished, that I need to make him feel sorry, whatever. Nothing helpful there.

That's why it's so helpful to just practice assigning benign intent (age-expected, just seeing what would happen, etc.) to keep my blood from boiling, and deal with the behavior, not the intent. And if he's spilling milk every day, he might not get milk for a while, or he might have to drink it on the porch, or only get a cup with a lid, or any number of a million ways to address the behavior, who cares about the intent, trying to figure out his intent just gets me mad and keeps me mad and keeps me from being the kind of gentle parent I want to be.

And if it's a character issue, we deal with it overall, when we deal with character issues. Not just related to the specific behavior (though I might use the behavior or one like it as an example when we're discussing it in a calm moment) but overall. If there's a character issue that God wants addressed, God doesn't just, in my experience, use one type of behavior to get at it. It starts popping out all over the place and it becomes clear that's what's to be addressed next. Not just in my kids, in me, too!

Sorry that was so wordy - I'll go in later and try to cut some of it down! LOL!
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