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Title: Question on "You hit, you sit" and Comfort Corners
Post by: Lady TS on May 30, 2005, 07:47:42 AM
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I read in another thread about if a child hits someone, to have them sit on the couch(or wherever) until they can behave nicely toward their sibling/whoever they hit.
What do you do when they WILL NOT sit? Do you hold them there? Sit on them?(only half-kidding--my ds is very hard for me to physically control with my pg belly. He's very strong and gets away if I don't use all I have to hold him)
And a similar question on the Comfort Corner--say a child is just generally not acting nice(picking at his brother, intentionally running trucks into the walls when asked not to, etc). Is that when I 'should' send him to the Comfort corner? And what if he WON'T go? How do you "make" him go there and have it not be punitive?
And kinda along these lines again...what is your response when you ask your dc to do something/not to do something and they say "NO! I WON'T do that!"?
BTW, I am asking these questions in reference to my 4yo ds. I also have a 2yo ds and am due anyday with bb3. I realize that the coming changes are most likely adding to the stress/misbehavior, but I am looking for ways to deal with all this BEFORE my time is more limited at the computer to do 'research'.
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Title: Re: Question on "You hit, you sit" and Comfort Corners
Post by: DogwoodMama on May 30, 2005, 07:52:18 AM
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I can't adress the you hit/you sit question, but with the comfort corner, can't the parent go there with the child? It's really not supposed to be a punishment thing, so it would be best to frame it as positively as possible, right?
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Title: Re: Question on "You hit, you sit" and Comfort Corners
Post by: Lady TS on May 30, 2005, 08:02:55 AM
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Quote from: BetsyPage on May 30, 2005, 07:52:18 AM
I can't adress the you hit/you sit question, but with the comfort corner, can't the parent go there with the child? It's really not supposed to be a punishment thing, so it would be best to frame it as positively as possible, right?
I guess my quandry is what to do with the other child when sitting with the child in the comfort corner. I am afraid that if when ds1 is acting out and then gets to sit in the Comfort Corner with Mommy, that it would be perceived as a reward for his misbehavior and then he would act out more in order for me to sit alone with him.
Does that even make sense?
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Title: Re: Question on "You hit, you sit" and Comfort Corners
Post by: DogwoodMama on May 30, 2005, 08:13:09 AM
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That does make sense. I'll be interested to hear "btdt" responses to your questions.
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Title: Re: Question on "You hit, you sit" and Comfort Corners
Post by: ArmsOfLove on May 30, 2005, 10:18:41 AM
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Well you're coming at these tools from a punitive perspective. There is no power struggle attached to them--no *forcing* them to sit or having to deal with defiant *NO*
When we instituted the You hit, you sit rule I sat my children down at a time everyone was getting along. I explained that there was too much aggression, which I understood because of all the changes we'd gone through, but the hitting and hurting needed to stop. I told them that they weren't thinking right *in the moment* and they needed to take a break and collect themselves so they could make better choices. So, from now on, when you're being aggressive--hitting or hurting in any way--I will tell you it's time to sit on the couch and take a break. The first day or two I had to move them a few times to the couch, and even sit with them a couple of times, but after that they went on their own. If they protested I assured them I would listen to them after they had taken a break and calmed down--that they weren't making any sense when they were that upset. And I did listen to them--sometimes helping them resolve the issue, sometimes helping them rethink it, sometimes stepping in and changing something that was not working well.
When you're on the same side it's a totally different dynamic.
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Title: Re: Question on "You hit, you sit" and Comfort Corners
Post by: greenemama on May 31, 2005, 05:38:19 AM
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i had the same problem -- taking henry (3) to the comfort corner after hitting jude (almost 1) but having jude needing comfort and henry still batting at him and jude crying more. so. i did something similar to what crystal does. i told him at a calm time that if he hits or hurts he will need to go and "take a break." normally this is by himself so that i can attend to the baby. if henry has hit me then i sit with him, normally, and it's more like the comfort corner. i guess i use the comfort corner more for meltdowns and freak-outs rather than for hitting. you hit you sit is more instant -- there's a chair here, a couch, a bench, a step, whatever is close so that he is instantly taking a break so that i can help the baby. he does tell me now, "i don't want to take a break!" and i tell him, "you need to take a break, i will help you" and help him over there. he's not obstinate about sitting normally -- sometimes he'll stand up and look at me like, "i'm standing now!" and i move towards him and he sits down so that he doesn't have to have help.
i don't know what i'd do if he were stressing out and refusing to sit. i guess i'd be thinking it wasn't about the hitting anymore, more of a meltdown, and may move to try things like the bear hug.
it's hard!
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Title: 1 YO hitting me
Post by: sarahtar on June 05, 2005, 03:46:55 PM
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My 13 month old hits me when he doesn't get his way. What's a good GBD way to deal with this?
Thus far, I've been "helping" him stop hitting me by trying to get him distracted with something else or with physically restraining his hands. He finds it funny when hitting me gets me angry and when I restrain his hands like that. It's not always possible to distract him with something else.
example: today, he was tired and I had him in the wrap and we were walking at the mall. He started to get fussy and squirm to get down. I did not let him down. So he hit me. I asked him to use gentle touching with mama, showed him how. He hit me again. I held back his hand to keep him from doing it again, so he flung his head into my chin. At this point, I took him out of the wrap and put him on my back so he at least couldn't hit my face. But he hits a LOT. And he hits other children, too. Sometimes he hits just to see what will happen - he was hitting my sister who is visiting us for the weekend - he would hit her, then sit back and look up at her face to see what she was going to do about it.
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Title: Re: 1 YO hitting me
Post by: AmyDoll on June 05, 2005, 07:06:16 PM
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When Sam wants to hit - we have a big ottoman in the family room that he's allowed to hit or he may bang a drum. Having things he's allowed to hit has really helped to calm the hitting storm!
I help him touch me and say "nice" "gentle" and I remind him when we're in situations where he might be tempted. He likes to hit my mom's dogs
so I remind him. Or if he looks like he's getting ready to bean a friend - "friends are for hugging!" or just "Gentle"
HTH
Amy
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Title: Re: 1 YO hitting me
Post by: greenemama on June 05, 2005, 09:00:39 PM
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i think that boys need to hit in general. maybe all kids?
anyway, when jude (one tomorrow!!) hits and i react or anyone reacts he thinks it's funny -- for him it's more the reaction than the actual hitting.
i tell him gentle hands and show him how to be gentle and if he continues to hurt (sometimes it's pinching) i put him down and say, "gentle touches, jude" and i give him gentle touches, etc. putting him down has really helped us with the nursing/biting thing. he's totally heartbroken when i stop nursing and put him down. i mean, he's horrified. i pick him back up (almost immediately) and he nurses gently and i praise him for it, etc. sometimes putting him down for hitting helps him, other times i don't think he's equating the two at all.
it's hard when you don't know what to do! it's pretty much a trial and error sort of thing with babes this age. :/
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Title: Re: 1 YO hitting me
Post by: Joanne on June 06, 2005, 07:28:36 AM
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Quote:
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So he hit me. I asked him to use gentle touching with mama, showed him how. He hit me again. I held back his hand to keep him from doing it again, so he flung his head into my chin. At this point, I took him out of the wrap and put him on my back so he at least couldn't hit my face
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I would drop the gentle touch. He's not feeling gentle. He's feeling anger and he needs coaching on how to feel that but not act inappropriately. I would name it "You are angry that you can't walk" and then explain the rules "But you may not hit. Hitting hurts."
When you are able, walk away from him when he hits. When he hits others, stop him and teach him how to ask for a turn, some space, or whatever.
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Title: Re: 1 YO hitting me
Post by: sarahtar on June 06, 2005, 09:20:10 AM
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He does get plenty of opportunity to hit in appropriate ways. He has a "drum" (it's really an old 5-gallon popcorn tin) and several toys that encourage pounding (a workbench with a hammer and some sort of pounding balls into holes toy). He knows he can hit the cushions on the furniture, and he can hit the sides of the file cabinets in my office (they make a very satisfactory bang). Perhaps when he gets angry and we're home or somewhere else where it would be appropriate, I should show him to hit those things *instead* of mama. (He just seems to want to hit me when we're not somewhere with something appropriate for him to hit, though!)
Joanne, you make a good point. When he's angry, he doesn't feel like being gentle and I would probably only get angrier if someone told me to chill out and be nice when I'm feeling angry or grouchy...duh moment here!
I'll save the "gentle touching" for when he's hitting just to see what happens.
Amy - we visited my sister last weekend, who has two dogs. He was afraid of them on our last visit, but warmed up to them significantly this visit. By the conclusion of our visit, he was hitting them, too. But it was more like - "hmm.... I know I can pat the dog and I know I can touch his nose. What happens if I grab a handful of skin? What if I hit him on the back? On the face? What if I pull his tail? Can I use him as a stepstool?" It was cute, but still inappropriate.
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Title: Re: 1 YO hitting me
Post by: ellies mom on June 06, 2005, 01:51:51 PM
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If you live close to your sister (or someone else with patient pets), that may be a good way to learn "gentle touching". He isn't hitting the dogs because he is angry, but he is hitting because he is "experimenting". We have two cats, so DD has always been shown "gentle touches". She is pretty good at it now, but I never leave her alone with them, nor would I suggest getting a pet just to practice. If the opportunity arises though, I'd be right there with him showing how to touch gently. Since he really wants to touch the dogs, it is a good time to teach him. Like I said, however, they need to be good patient dogs that you feel comfortable having him around.
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