[ShiriChayim]

"People should just use their common sense and intuition to know when to stop doing, or not use something. Chew the meat and spit out the bones."

I've heard this comment quite often from people when discussing parenting methods gone awry. Often it's used in defense of a particular book: "They didn't use their common sense to know it wasn't working for them" (most recently that one has been used ALL the time from people defending the Pearl's teaching); other times it comes judgmentally towards another parent's decisions for their children.

I know for a mother who is very good at using their own intuition it seems like an obvious answer and is genuinely confusing how someone else wouldn't see it that way. So I thought we could discuss 1) the fallacy of the idea when discussing a specific topic or book, and 2) why certain people really do struggle with it.

So for number 1: Well I think Crystal mirrored my own thoughts very well in a previous thread when she said that a book or teaching isn't judged on how people DON'T do what it tells them to do, it is judged on the merits of what it actually tells people to do. This is especially important if one of the things it tells people to do specifically is ignore their own instincts. That is one HUGE flag of caution that I note and to which I pay special attention. If a person must tell others to ignore their own gut to follow the advice being given, I have to ask why.

For number 2. I hope other moms will come help to describe it, but I can only share my own experience. The following is a list of teachings that I had accepted as Truth when I was a young new mother:

1) Babies are born with a sinful will that is evidenced from the day of their birth.
2) At times a parent who truly loves their children will do what is hard for them to do because it is in the best interest of the child. This I applied to vaccinations, CIO, and all sorts of things I was TOLD BY PROFESSIONALS was in the best interest of my baby
3) Parenting is the hardest thing you will ever do, you cannot be prepared for what it will do to you, you will be lost and not know what to do, so listen to those around you and do what they tell you to.
4) The heart is deceitful above all things, God's will is HARD to do, but whatever you do don't listen to your own heart if it "contradicts" what you "should" do. (This is insidious, it directly undermined my own instincts in every aspect of my life). That one is directly paired with: "There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to destruction." This is such a wonderful verse that is very easy to pull out and throw at ANYONE who doesn't want to do what has been determined as GOD'S WILL for them

On top of that, I was very directly prepared by circumstances in my life (an abusive relationship among other things) to have completely rejected my own intuition and accept what anyone else told me as truth, even if it went against what I was certain I had known. Throw in a MAJOR bout of PPD, PTSD, and anxiety into the mix and well...that's why I didn't use my own intuition when people told me to do what was wrong. Thankfully I didn't get ahold of some of the worst books at that time in my life, and I had specific people in my life encouraging me towards a more gentle way of parenting. It wasn't until I saw Dr Sears on an episode of Dr Phil (of all things ) and heard him actually ENCOURAGE a mother to do what I wanted to do (instead of calling it lazy self indulgent parenting) and then even MORE told her, "wherever everyone gets the best sleep is the best sleeping arrangement for your family-do what works best for you" that it even occurred to me that I COULD do what I wanted to do.

Then I found GCM. And the mommas on here encouraged me in so many ways; including affirming over and over that I could and should listen to instincts I thought were long dead and gone. Now that's just my own story. I'm sure many other mommas can come and share. Overall though I have to say that while I will at times accept an intellectual exercise of digging through a teaching I disagree with to analyze and learn: when dealing with a topic I am unfamiliar with or uncertain about if I'm having to put that much effort into LEARNING-well I figure there's got to be something better out there that doesn't require all of that on my part KWIM?